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Show How to Find A noted divorce lawyer examines By SAMUEL G. KLING Author of "Tin Complttt GuItU to Divorce" and "Tht Compl.it Guid lo tvtryday low" rv A .1 4 I popular misconception many persons have is that once they end an unhap- py marriage, everything will become rosy again. That's foolish. Thirty years as a divorce lawyer has taught me otherwise. Whether he or she knows it or not, the newly divorced person faces critical adjustments to a new life social, economic, sexual, and emotional. And this is no easy transition to make! Over the years, I've gathered considerable information on the subject of postdivorce problems, and I'd like to share this information with you. Here are the general problems the divorced person faces and what to do about them: What immediate emotional reactions does a divorced person usually experience? He may completely reject the fact of divorce. This is exactly what happened to a client of mine he wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. In his case, he insisted on remaining married while philandering to his heart's content. Refusing to see it his way, his wife sued for divorce, charging adultery. After the divorce was obtained, the man refused to accept it. One of his favorite stunts was to teleat all hours of the phone his night and plead for a reconciliation. Other times, he would actually come to her apartment late at night while in an alcoholic stupor and put her in fear of her life. Terrified, the woman called her attorney, who phoned me, and we persuaded him to see a psychiatrist. He is presently ex-wi- fe 4 Family Weekly, February . - 9, 1969 t undergoing therapy. Others react differently. Emotionally strong, they don't overreact to the trauma of divorce, but rather plunge into a new world of social and business activities. What sexual adjustment will the divorcee have to make? It all depends on the nature, depth, and and quality of the sexual drive, his or her conscience, and how emancipated or conventional the individual is. In shovt, each individual has to work out his own sexual adjustment based on his personality, temperament, moral background, and the social climate in which he moves. ex-wif- After divorce, who is able to make the better sexual adjustment? The Studies indicate that the divorced male resumes an active sexual life, with one or more partners, a short time after divorce. One reason for this, of course, is that the male is the aggressor. After divorce, the average male can call up and date any one of a number of women, but the woman can't. It is a much more difficult adjustment for her, being less aggressive than the man. The result is that for many women sexual activity ceases almost completely after divorce. What social adjustments have to be made after divorce? One of the most important is the need to make new friends. After divorce, former mutual friends often take sides, depending on which of was "guilty" and which the was "innocent" in causing the divorce. It is invariably the male, ex-mat- es though, who finds himself bereft of old friends and who has to make the greater social adjustments. Everyone, in a word, feels sorry for the "helpless little woman"; she is usually believed to be the "innocent party," no matter what her part in the divorce itself. The lamentable fact is that it is the man who has to seek new friends, and who develops feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and insecurity. What economic adjustments have to be made? These depend on the financial arrangements in the divorce decree property settlement, alimony (if awarded), custody of any children, and the like. Normally, the earning power of the man remain; constant; the woman's changes drastically. If no alimony has been awarded, she may have to return to her parents' home to live and return to work. If alimony is granted, it is the man who faces financial trouble. In general, divorce reduces the living standard of both Are most divorced wives still awarded alimony? No. Alimony is awarded to about one-thir- d of all divorced women. What is a common solution to the problems of the divorcee? Remarriage. It provides companionship for the lonely, an outlet for sexual drive, as well as economic security for either the wife, husband, or both. Equally important, remarriage offers status to two people who were more or less rootless and emotionally dislocated. Whet is the best way to manage the first few months after divorce? The first few months are the most difficult and trying. Keeping busy is the best solution. Clubs, dating, bowling, social activities, movies all these help one forget the past and prepare for the future. Should a divorcee move 'n with parents following divorce? Not unless the financial situation demands it. One of the signs of a relatively mature individual is the ability to stand alone and cope with problems as they arise. Moving in with parents often presents more problems than it solves. How should you behave if you accidentally run into your Unless the divorce was bitter, with courtesy and respect. If seeing an becomes emotionally dithen the wisest course is to sturbing, make your apologies to your host aid and leave as soon as possible. se Should you go into details about your divorce with friends? No. The less said about the real reasons for your divorce, the better. A simple statement that you were incompatible should suffice. How vulnerable are newly vorced people? They are vulnerable in the d extreme. With few exceptions, the average divorcee is lonely, despondent, and insecure. He needs companionship and, equally important, needs someone to restore faith in himself, to prop up his deflated ego. He thus tends to be drawn to anyone shows him sympathy a very ngerous who da- move! What are the risks involved when divorcees enter an affair rather than a second marriage? A hasty second marriage based on nothing more tangible than sexual attraction can be disastrous. In an affair, as in courtship, the tendency is to put one's best foot forward. Marriage is something else again. In marriage, what is important are two relatively stable personalities who complement one another's emotional needs. If this is present, a second marriage is the best answer. For the woman, getting involved in an affair can be a serious disaneed dvantage since it removes the men divorced for marriage. Many what they reason that if they can get want by means of an affair, they would be foolish to undertake a second marriage. An affair gives them the advantages of marriage with none of the responsibilities. |