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Show 1 0 Vernal Express Wednesday. October 17. 2001 domestic By Virginia Harrington Feature Wnter October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month, a good time to examine this crime in detail and to look at the effects of this world-wide problem oa our homes and our community. Defining domestic violence Domestic violence is distinguished from other violent crimes by the fact that it occurs between intimate partners, those being legally married spouses, boyfriendgirlfriend pairs, common law spouses, or intimates living together. If other individuals, including children, chil-dren, are also injured or involved in any way in the violence, another crime label is applied to that portion of the incident Sexual intimacy intima-cy is the defining characteristic in domestic violence. Information from the Uintah County Sheriff's Department indicates that if children are affected academically, emotionally or physically by domestic violence, that is considered con-sidered to be child abuse. The parent committing commit-ting the violence is obviously considered a perpetrator in that child abuse, but the reach of the law goes beyond that If the abused spouse separates from the abuser and then returns, subjecting the children to further violence, vio-lence, that spouse may also be charged with child abuse. This is an indication that the law makers of the state of Utah Uke the effects of domestic violence upon children very seriously serious-ly and that they expect a battered spouse to do everything possible to protect the children from the abuser. Who are the victims Over 95 percent of all domestic violence victims are women. Of those few women who are charged with domestic violence against men, the vast majority are long term victims of abuse who have finally attempted to defend themselves against their attackers. Abuse victims and perpetrators are from every age group, every economic class, every profession, every ethnic group and every educational edu-cational level. However, the majority of women victims who come to the attention of law enforcement are of low income, limited education and are in their 20s or 30s. That does not necessarily mean women in these categories greatly outnumber other female victims. Women with more education and greater financial resources may simply have alternatives for escaping the abusive situation that are unavailable to other victims, or the shame involved keeps them from reporting the abuse. What constitutes domestic violence On the surface, determining what is or is not domestic violence seems simple enough, but the reality is extremely complex. Not only must the laws of the slate be considered, there are multiple cultural factors involved. It is easy to label as violence a punch that results in a black eye, a broken jaw or cracked ribs. But what about an open handed slap that leaves nothing more than a slight reddening of the cheek, or the push that sends someone sprawling across a soft bed or into an easy chair and leaves no marks whatsoever? Again, the sheriff's department helps draw distinguishing lines: "Domestic violence means any criminal offense involving violence vio-lence or physical harm or threat of violence or physical harm, or any attempt, conspiracy, or solicitation to commit a criminal offense involving violence or physical harm, when committed by one cohabitant against another. Domestic violence also means. ..aggravated assault, assault, criminal homicide, harassment, harass-ment, telephone harassment, kidnaping.. .mayhem, .may-hem, stalking, unlawful detention, violation of a protective order, any offense against property, possession of a deadly weapon with intent to assault, discharge of a firearm from a vehicle. .in the direction of any person... disorderly disor-derly conduct" This broad umbrella of violent acts was written to give law enforcement agencies a strong basis for arrest in cases of domestic violence. Any behavior meant to control a cohabitant through force or through fear of force and violence is considered domestic violence under the law. That slap and that push are crimes. The person on the receiving end of that slap or push is, indeed, being abused. "Any offense against property" adds another anoth-er aspect One very common behavior of abusers is to throw a telephone and break it to prevent the abused spouse from calling for help, or from contacting people outside the home for any reason, no matter how innocent Ripped clothing, broken televisions, destroyed jewelry, smashed tapes and CDs, broken toys plus an endless list of damaged property all constitute domestic violence intended to control the victim through fear. Unlawful detention refers to keeping a person per-son confined against his or her will. This is an extremely common behavior among spouse abusers. Abusive husbands frequently force their wives to quit their jobs, drop out of school and eliminate all clubs and even church organizations from their lives. These women may not be allowed to go to the mailbox mail-box or do their own grocery shopping. Keys .to the car are taken from mem and all access to bank accounts is removed. The telephone may be unplugged and taken to work by the husband so the wife can't even make a simple phone call. The most common reaction by the public to this type of detention is: Why doesn't she just leave when he goes to work? Where is she to vooDeimces go? Chances are he has removed her from any family or other source of social support He has alienated all her friends. She has no money to call a taxi and no vehicle. She probably prob-ably has small children to care for. Is she to simply start walking down the highway with the kids, hoping he doesn't see them? Hoping some kindly person will take them in? In the majority of cases where the woman is kept confined, the husband has told her repeatedly that if she disobeys him he will kill ber or the children. This is often uttered through clenched teeth while calling her every foul name he can think of and with clenched fist beating her about the ribs. The withholding of food is another common method of spouse abusers. Days may go by before the abused victim is allowed to eat even one bite of food: Again, the response of the public is: Why doesn't she eat after he goes to work? He has counted the cans of soup and slices of bread, he has taped the cereal box so he will know if it is opened and he has taken or disposed of any leftovers. She knows if she disobeys him she will be beaten. The pain of the beatings is more severe and longer lasting than the hunger pains. Harassment, telephone harassment and stalking are additional forms of abuse through control. An abused wife who works outside the home may find her husband continually checking up on her activities and whereabouts where-abouts by showing up at her place of employment employ-ment at random times, often causing an unpleasant scene if she is not primly seated at her assigned station or if she is speaking with a male co-worker. He may call frequently, demanding to speak with her immediately. This type of abuser will follow her when she goes grocery shopping, to church, runs errands or takes the kids to a school activity. She will be made to account for every moment she is out of his sight If she gets caught in traffic or is a minute or two later returning home than he expects, she is surely in for another round of punches and humiliation. humilia-tion. Control of family funds is a frequent source of friction leading to additional abuse and control. If the abused wife is allowed to use the checkbook or to have cash, the abusive husband will generally make her account for every penny spent He will count the cash she has before she leaves and will check the receipts she brings home against the items purchased and the amount of cash she has left She dares not leave a tip or drop a coin in a jar at the checkout counter. What are the warning signs Prevention, the best defense against being stuck in an abusive relationship, is not always an easy thing to accomplish. Abusers are practiced manipulators. They manipulate police, judges, employers, friends and just about anyone with whom they have contact. Years of experience makes it simple for them to manipulate the women who love them. There are warning signs that nearly all abusers exhibit that should be watched for by potential girl friends and wives. Unfortunately, most women are unaware of what these warning signs are, or the potential abuser has a quick and ready explanation for them. A word of caution: one trait from the warning signs does not necessarily make a man an abuser. However, three or four or more of these traits exhibited in a fairly consistent con-sistent pattern should set off sirens in the minds of women. He will manipulate a whirlwind relationship. relation-ship. He will be the story book prince who comes dashing into the life of his victim and sweeps her off her feet with romance. In the beginning, she is living the storybook, fairy tale romance that our society teaches little girls to dream about In most abusive marriages, mar-riages, the wedding took place within the first six months or less of the original meeting. He will be jealous of other men, friends, children and anything that takes her attention away from him. At first this is flattering. He will tell her he loves her so much that he can't help but be jealous. This is a major red flag. Jealousy is not a part of love, it is a part of possession and will grow with time. Eventually a jealous rage will ensue if he thinks another man has spoken to her or looked at her. Let's be sure this is clear. She doesn't have to look at or speak to another man for this rage to flare up. She can be innocently inno-cently minding her own business. A man can accidentally bump into her and apologize for it The abuser men beats her in a jealous frenzy fren-zy and accuses her of deliberately causing the incident He will demand to know everything she does, everyday. He will have to know who she was with when, where, why and what was done. This isn't the general interest any couple cou-ple in love will demonstrate for each other, rather it is a need, a demand to know. He will find something in her day to disapprove, giving giv-ing him an excuse to start telling her which friends to keep and which to drop, where she can go and when. He will tell her this is for her own good because he knows what's best for her. This is not love. This is control. She is an adult and has every right to choose her own friends and her own activities, but he will deny her this right Moreover, he will convince ber that he is looking out for her best interest because he loves her. Remember, he is a master manipulator. He will want to know how she spends her money. Early in the relationship he will not have control of her income if she is employed but he will want to "help" her with her budget, bud-get, her investments and her expenditures. He a choice Cpl. Anthoney Byron of the Uintah County Sheriffs Department and Sgt Steve Howl of Naples City Police see too much domestic violence in their routine work days. m4 Diane and Alison tie a purple ribbon around a tree planted in memory of all domestic violence homicide victims. will disapprove of how she handles her money, regardless of how expert she may be budgeting. These will not be give and take discussions where long term planning is done and each person has an input His suggestions will be the only ones that matter to him. He will never take no for an answer. If he suggests a movie and the response is negative, nega-tive, he will pout, plead, demand or use some other type of manipulative behavior to get his way. "If you loved me you would..." is a very common reaction whenever the woman says no. His expectations of her will be completely unrealistic. She must be perfect in every way, including dress, cooking, walking, speaking, grooming, housekeeping and most of all in her attentiveness to him. When she falls below his expectations he will make suggestions sugges-tions to "help" her improve herself. Over time, these will become stronger suggestions, then demands, then physical abuse. Whenever she strives to attain the perfection he wants, he will change the criteria for perfection. She will never reach the goals he sets for her so he will always have cause for complaint He will attempt to keep her isolated so her attention is totally on himself. If she suggests a double date he will tell her he loves her too much to share her with anyone else. If she wants a night out with the girls he will accuse her of not loving him as much as he loves her. Eventually he will see to it that she is cut off from all family, friends and social support so she must become totally dependent on him. He will tell her he wants to take care of her. This is different from wanting to share his life with her. What he really means is he wants her to depend on him for everything so that his control over her will be complete. He will tend to blame others for his behaviors behav-iors and feelings. "You made me do it" or "You made me so mad" are regularly uttered by the abusive man. "What did you expect me to do? Huh?" (slap, punch, push) "You made the coffee too hot, not me." or "I saw him looking at you. You think I'm just going to take that?" (more slap, punch, push). Qf course, the slap, punch, push part usually comes later, but the idea that someone else can make him behave or feel in certain ways, that he has no control over himself, is a very common trait of the abusive man. What he wants and expects from the woman changes frequently. He will have any number of excuses for why he changes his mind, and these will usually involve something some-thing she has done wrong. He needs to keep her guessing so she will never gain self confidence confi-dence and will always have to look to him for approval. When the abuse gets a good start, whether physical, psychological, emotional or physical, physi-cal, his apologies after an argument or fight will be profuse, romantic, exaggerated and seemingly sincere. His remorse will be expertly expressed and deeply felt by his victim. vic-tim. This is part of the control. If he can't convince her to stay he has lost his control over her. He is an expert manipulator and this is where he puts on his greatest performance. Only a cold hearted witch, or a very experienced experi-enced victim of abuse, could turn away from an abuser's apology. He does not take responsibility for his own actions. There is always someone else to blame for his problems or failures, whether it be at work or at home. In the home, the wife is to blame not only for things that go wrong, but for his reactions to things that go wrong. If he kicks her in the abdomen with his steel- ftlhiati Euiiartis v t Hi'' 1 ' .r ft Lai .a enjoys a moment of peace in the . cozy kitchen of the crisis center. toed boot it's because "she made me do it" A physical abuser is also verbally abusive. Early in the relationship he will probably "correct" her, maybe gently jelling her what's wrong and how he can help her change it. Later, he will tell her repeatedly that she is stupid, incompetent ugly, too fat or too thin and will use every foul name for her he can think of. The ultimate question For most people, whether the general public, pub-lic, law enforcement counselors, health professionals pro-fessionals and families of victims, the ultimate ulti-mate question is, "Why doesn't she leave?' These people are asking the wrong question. The real question is, "Why doesn't he stop?" She doesn't leave, at least not right away, for many reasons. At first she believes him when he says it will never happen again. She has hope that she hasn't made a terrible mistake. mis-take. By the time she finally realizes things will only get worse, she is trapped. She has- no money, no income and no way to support herself her-self and her children. She is totally dependent on him for all financial support She may be hundreds of miles from her family and, sadly, they may have also been manipulated by the abuser into believing everything is her fault Yes, there are shelters for women and children chil-dren in most towns, including Vernal, but those will take a woman and her children for only 30 days. What is she to do after that? Food stamps and welfare payments will help, but how does she pay the first and last month's rent plus a deposit on an apartment when she has not one penny in her pocket? Another reason for not leaving is that she has zero self-esteem left, no confidence in herself, and is in a constant state of severe depression. She has probably started to believe' the horrible things he says about her and has no reason to think she can take care of herself and her children. This is not a weakness in her. This is a normal reaction to captivity and is well known as the Stockholm Syndrome. Prisoners and hostages often come to be sympathetic to their captors and will go so far as to defend them against physical harm. Abused women are no different They are captives in every sense of the word, beaten, beat-en, deprived, dependent and isolated. Why does society accept that a man taken captive by strangers will fall into the clutch's of the Stockholm Syndrome yet act surprised or even disgusted that a woman held captive by her husband would do the same? The most compelling reason for not leaving is that she 'puts herself and her children in greater danger if she separates from him. He has warned her repeatedly that if she leaves, he will kill her. Way too many times, he means it The homicide rate for battered wives jumps dramatically during a period of separation. Many women die within days or See Violence on Page 12 For Immodlato help call 911 Victim Advocates 789-4350 or 799-1524 or 790-1526 Shelter! 781-4253 or 781-4250 j . Community Calendar October 17 Utah Legal Services will be hosting a free Legal Clink "at the Roosevelt Senior Community Center, 50 E. 200 S, from 12 noon 2 r Jn. A free workshop for people interested in becoming licensed child care providers will be held in Vernal at ,7 p.m. by Child Care Resource and Referral. Preregister by calling 435-636-2355. October 18 Vernal Rotary Cu0 weekly meeting. 12 noon at the 7U Ranch Cafe. Mr. Jins Lekas will be speaking on Uintah County government gov-ernment , Parenting Classes: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP), Lov e and Logic, and Help for Parents. Eight weeks of realistic realis-tic and practical approaches to meeting the challenges of raising children in today's world. 630 p.m. - 8:30 p.m. in Ashley Valley Education Center. The class is free and books are optional. Child care for children ages 0-1 0 will be provided. pro-vided. BPW meets at 6:30 pjn. during National Business Women's Week. Call Kathy Mashburn at 789-4880 for information. "Unemployment Insurance Appeals: 27 Ways to Avoid Losing," presented by Michael Medley, administrative law judge from the . Unemployment Insurance Appeals office in Salt Lake City from 8:30 a.m. - 10:30 a.m. in the Dept. of Workforce Services, 1050 W. Market Drive. Cost is $10 per person. Register with Ben Taylor or Brad Anderson at 781-4100. Refreshments served. Sponsored by Vernal Employers Council and the Utah Dept. of Workforce Services. October 19 A community dance will be held for people of all ages at the Golden Age Center, 1 55 S. 100 W. beginning at 8 p.m. October 20 'Health Naturally Yours!" is an interactive presentation by Dr. Phillip Landis, president of a natural nat-ural health college. Starts at I p.m. in the Vernal City Offices, 447 E. Main. Free to the public. A community dance will be held at the Way Opt West Dance Hall in the old Jiffy Pawn Grocery building build-ing from 8 p.m. till midnight October 24 USOMATO concert and Halloween party, 6:30 p.m. - 9:30 p.m. at Western Park. Family tickets tick-ets are S5 and individual tickets are $2 to help defray the costs of refreshments and- prizes. USOMATO USO-MATO is a non-profit, non discriminating dis-criminating organization. Uintah Animal Care will meet at 7 p.m. in the Fire Center behind the Forest Service. There will be a video presentation on feral cats! New members and guests are welcome. wel-come. October 25 The Uintah County Republicans are sponsoring a Public Forum on the Council vs Commissioner form of county government It will be held at the Vernal Middle School in the auditorium at 7 p.m. Both sides of the issue will be represented rep-resented and questions' from the audience will be taken. Admission is free and the public is welcome. Vernal Rotary Club, noon at the 7-U Ranch Cafe. Kathy Irving from the Utah Historical Society will present "Behind Swinging Doors"; October 26-27 GED Test in the Uintah School District Office, 635 W. 200 S. Test begins at 6 p.m. on FrL, Oct 26. Fill out an application by 5 p.m. that day. Fee is S40 but will be increased to $55 on Jan. 1, 2002. Also as of Jan.1, no scores from, previous tests will be carried over. Instead, the entire 2002 series GED Test will be required. Call David John or Elaine Gardiner at the Uintah School District 781-3110, 781-3110, for information. October 29 Blood pressure clinics at' the Golden Age Center, 1 1:30 am."- 1 pm. Glucose tests done if needed. To place hems of public interest on the Community Calendar mail to Vernal Express, P.O. Box lOOO, E-mail, editorvemal.com or call the Vernal Express at 789-3511.: |