OCR Text |
Show Vernal Express Wednesday, August 22, 2QC1 BPMaaiiiMaaM ; : by Dr. Val Farmer JM. I Love cfloesn'ti Hnave ti Ibe fol'md A tot of very difficult and sometimes some-times insurmountable marital problems prob-lems have their origins in the courtship process. Mismatched couples cou-ples differ too much in terms of goals, values or interests. Even worse is when one partner discovers discov-ers too late that their mate has character char-acter or addiction problems mat plague their marriage. Some couples cou-ples start out with two strikes against them. . Fools fall in love; wise people grow in love. The initial infatuation can be powerful, intoxicating, and disorienting. Objectivity is impaired. Judgment is clouded. The rose-colored glasses come on. One's fantasies are mixed with reality. real-ity. Lovers see only the good while ignoring red flags and warning signs. They are also good at putting their best foot forward while minimizing mini-mizing their less than desirable qualities. No quick courtship. The picking of a partner is one of the most important decisions we ever make. It is a decision that has lifelong consequences. It shouldn't be left up to emotions or a pathway of least resistance. Pre-martial change is much easier than post-marital change. Motivations are at their peak during courtship. "Married in haste, we repent at leisure." - Congreve "Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward." -Scuderi "As the husband is, the wife is; if mated with t clown, the grossness of his nature will have the weight to drag thee down." - Tennyson. "Measure a thousand times, cut once." - Folk saying How to manage, courtship. Duly warned, how is the weighty matter determined? John Van Epp, Ph.D., of Medina, Ohio has developed a process to determine how new relationships rela-tionships grow in attachment He takes five dimensions knowledge, trust, reliance, commitment and sex - and discusses their inter-relationship in the bonding process. These five bonding dynamics should grow together with time, mutual self-disclosure and diverse experiences. However, Van Epp feels these bonding dynamics or forces are in a hierarchical relationship. relation-ship. Van Epp believes, The extent to which you know the other person should set the limits of your trust, which should set the ceiling of your reliance, which should indicate the degree of commitment you make, which should establish the boundaries bound-aries of any sexual involvement" The wisdom in courtship is to not get ahead of yourself as you develop devel-op your relationship. For example, mistakes are made when you have sex with someone with whom you don't have commitment Or if you are depending on someone you don't know very well. The greater your knowledge, the more you can trust the more you trust the greater your willingness to rely on your dating partner to do and say what they have said they would do, etc. The genius of courtship is to slow the pace so that you can experience these qualities and gradually raise the thermostat on each of them as you become confidant of each of them. When a person maintains a balance in the bonding areas of their relationship, they minimize their vulnerability to marrying a partner with, whom problems can't be solved . Five areas of concern. What are the important tilings to know? Van Epp feels that someone in a courtship should come to deeply know and understand five areas of their dating partner's life. These critical areas are: 1. The dynamics of their childhood child-hood and family experience. Listen to the story of his or her life. Does it hang together? Does your dating partner have insight into key events or relationships? What did he or she learn from parental mistakes? mis-takes? How much baggage is brought from the past? Meet the family and observe the relationships first hand. " 2. The maturity of their conscience. con-science. : Does your partner have a sensitivity sensitiv-ity for the rights and needs of others? oth-ers? How ? m situations . where moral judgment is required handled? han-dled? Have mere been lapses? How well does be or she live up to their professed standards? 3. The scope of their compatibility compatibil-ity potentiaL How easy-going is he or she? How rigid? How flexible? What do you have in common? What are their goals and dreams? Is he or she a team player? How controlling? 4. The strength of their relationship relation-ship skills. How well does he or she listen? Empathize? Negotiate? Handle conflict con-flict or stress? Share thoughts and feelings? How does he or she get along with key people? Does he or she avoid conflict? Have a temper? Can he or she apologize or forgive a mistake? What happens when you express your opinion? Is he or she consistently loving, kind and generous? gener-ous? 5. The patterns of their previous relationships. Get the story of past romantic relationships and understand the dynamics. What are the patterns? How is his or her insight? Does it make sense? Is it one-sided or is there a full and balanced account of particular contributions to past problems? How do you probe without being too obvious? Read between the lines. Ask open-ended questions. Come back to points you don't understand. Put the pieces together. Tune is your greatest asset The more experiences you have, the more you share, the more you will know love doesn't have to be blind. . For . more information on courtship, you can visit Val Farmer's website at www.val-farmer.com www.val-farmer.com ,, v. Val Farmer is a clinical psycholo fist with MeritCare in Fargo, North Dakota. He specializes in rural mental health and family business consultation. L . . - " " 2001 SUPEROIEV $Iy500 Rebate or 0.9 AFH for 36 Months $1,000 Rebate .---AnjH or - -Tl"" 'fr"" -- ' - ? " r 1 5.9 APR for 36 Months 'j I 2001 SUPERDUTY $1,000 Rebate or 2.9 APR for 36 Months (J 4 2001 FOCUS i n to n , it in it i r ii HMSVUULJUULH. 333 VJ. Main 789-3818 Want lower fees? Quick decisions? Balances on your receipts? Statements you can actually read? uWe can do that." It's not something you get used to hearing in a lot of banks these days. That is, unless you happen to bank at Ziora.That's because unlike a lot of other places, our employees have the power to take personal responsibility for your accounts right there in the branch. So if you have a question, a problem, or a situation with special circumstances, they can handle it for you. Without passing you off to someone eke in another branch, or another state. Personal service. It's what makes Zions a different kind of bank. And it's our commitment to you. If your bank isnt making that same commitment, maybe it's time you give us a closer look. Just call 1.888.723.9719 or your local Zions Branch, and let us show you, there re ally is a difference. a a - ; , - . . , I r-, r 1 I Jim Linschoten Vernal, t'T L |