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Show Cyclops predicts 1992's top news stories The newspapers and TV staffs are now compiling their year-end wrap-ups featuring the most important impor-tant and vital stories of 1991. ("These are the stories that made a differenceand, more importantly, the glorious photographs and TV footage have already been paid for!") s t Cyclops by Brian Gray the girl is whisked away to the school counselor who quickly puts the youth on Ritalin. Woods Cross City Mayor David Wright agrees to truthfully answer a question from news reporters The reporters are so shocked by Wright's compliance, they forget the question. Davis County Health Department asks grocery stores to hide Snickers bars behind the check-out counter After successfully having tobacco products removed from the aisles, the health department focuses on candy bars. "We're protecting pro-tecting the children against sugar," says a health department spokesman. "The theft of sugar-tainted sugar-tainted products represents a major health crisis in our community. In addition, we suggest that Bowman's Market stop selling Kellogg's Frosted Flakes. ' ' State Fire Marshall gives warning warn-ing on Stoker School facility The fire marshal asks that the school be retrofitted for student safety. "I'm concerned,' he says, "that the school will not withstand a nuclear bomb dropped on top of it. ' ' Merrill Cook actually wins an election-After losing the 1992 gubernatorial racehis fifth loss in five elections-Cook ekes out a vic tory as secretary-treasurer of his daughter's school PTA. In his acceptance ac-ceptance speech, he cries, "This shows that the people of Utah truly want a change in the direction of their government." Davis County Health Department asks grocery stores to hide cheese behind the check-out counter Concerned about increased increas-ed cholesterol, the health department depart-ment zeroes in on dairy products. "The theft of cheddar cheese hunks represents a major health crisis in our community," says a spokesman. "In addition, we suggest sug-gest that Bowman's Market stop selling any milk that contains more than two percent butter fat. ' ' Joy Beech files FCC complaint against auto mechanic commercials on television Fresh from filing complaints about bad language used on KTKK Radio, smut fighter Beech says she is appalled at TV commercials mentioning dirty phrases. "The other day I heard an auto mechanic's commercial mentioning men-tioning rear-end alignment," she says. "This kind of language is offensive to young children, and should not be shown during family viewing hours." Centerville City agrees to let an industrial firm into its industrial park But after further consideration, considera-tion, the city council rescinds the idea. "Sure, we want industry," says a city councilman. "But nothing that reeks of oil, grease or dust Instead of having machinery or oil tankers in in our industrial park, we're trying to recruit a quaint, little calligraphy shop to offset off-set our residential tax burden." Parent sues high school teacher for talking about sex After a teacher told students he "lived in a condominium," a parent sues the school district for introducing the term "condom." L Farmington City establishes panel to define rock n' roll Since rock music is not allowed in city parks, the city hires Dick Clark to advise members on what music is allowed. The first meeting of the panel will concern the song "Louie Louie" while the second scheduled meeting will examine the bass guitar influence on Perry Como. Davis County Health Board asks grocery stores to hide aerosol deodorants de-odorants behind the check-out counter Concerned about aerosol effect on the ozone layer, the health department... And those are the 1992 headlines. You read them here first! r But since this column is on the cutting edge, Cyclops won't become muddied in this annual time warp. We'll look into the future, not the past, and predict the most important im-portant stories of 1992. These will be the future headlines: Davis County student actually shows up in class wearing Wrangler instead of Girbaud jeans After announcing to her classmates that Girbaud jeans are overpriced and sold only on status, |