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Show EXISTENTIAL FUNKby Don Garrett I've been reading lately about President Marcos of the Philippines declaring martial law throughout his country and jailing 53 opposition opposi-tion congressmen, governors, publishers pub-lishers and other prominent citizens. citi-zens. Now I'd always been taught that the Philippines were one of our Peaceful Freedom-Loving Allies. I didn't understand, so I called up my old buddy Throckmorton. Throckmorton understands politics. He also talks to squirrels and finds Jerry Lewis charming. In short, he's crazy as a loon, and his grasp of politics is intuitive. "Throckmorton," I said, "I don't understand. The Philippines is supposed sup-posed to be a democracy, yet Marcos Mar-cos has arrested all his opposition. That sounds like a police state to me." "Oh no," Throck told me, "Marcos "Mar-cos has said the purpose is social reform." "The police knock down the door," Throckmorton explained, "and say, 'you're under reform.' Then they take them away." "That's his social reform?" "That's not all of it. For instance, he's trying to conserve the wilderness. wilder-ness. You remember that Stone Age tribe they found a little while ago? Well, Marcos has stopped all news from going in or out of the whole country, just to protect them from the world." "Not to mention protecting the rest of the country," I said. "And he's streamlining all branches of government. For example, ex-ample, he's speeding up the judi cial process by eliminating trials, and he's speeding up the legislative legisla-tive process by eliminating legislators." legisla-tors." "But one of those legislators was supposed to be one of his best friends." "Well, you know how it is. These Filipinos all look alike." "What's this communist conspiracy conspi-racy Marcos keeps talking about?" I asked. "Oh yes, the Philippine Communist Commun-ist Party. It's an elderly couple, live up in Luzon. Nice folks." "Two people? Then why did Marcos Mar-cos need to declare martial law?" "To save face." "I don't understand." "You do that a lot," Throck observed. ob-served. "It's really very simple. Lon Nol in Cambodia has signed a law giving himself dictatorial powers. President Thieu has signed a law giving himself dictatorial powers. Gen. Suharto and Chiang Kai-shek have each been running their countries coun-tries single-handed ever since they took over. President Marcos was the only leader of Free Asia who wasn't a dictator, and he was beginning begin-ning to feel inferior about it." "Just one more question," I said. "First he said martial law would last just as long as the crisis did. Then he said it would probably stay in effect until the end of his term, which is several years away. What gives?" "No contradiction at all," Throckmorton Throck-morton assured me. "As long as Marcos is president, his country is going to be in deep trouble." |