OCR Text |
Show JIMMY, THE NEWSBOY, ON THE EXCHANGE COLUMN -'. I tlnk race suicide would kind of be a good ting. Why? Well, for one thing It would reduce the number of suckers dey say are born ever" rolnlt. How's dat? "See dat fellow, over dere? Dat's youn' Van Gilder. You say I seem to know more dan half of de swell young guys in de town? Huh! If I didn't , know more dan all of de dudes put together to-gether I'd chase meself back to de text books. "But, say, gettln' back to de exchange columns again. Can a. woman exchange ex-change her black hair for some of a Are scene brand? She can? Say, I knows a calico dat would give anythin' to have hair like Leslie Carter's got? Ain't women funny dat way? If dey're tow-headed dey want to have hair like de red raven splits; If dey're top is thatched wid hair like a bottle of Ink dey want it made to look like a phony gold piece. Dey always wants to change, don't they? "Say. If dat bill dat 'dey got in Kansas Kan-sas passes out here so de women can get a divorce after beln' married to a guy three years wot a lot of business you'd do In dat exchange column. "Say, I bet some of de women would sit up nights and call time JUBt as soon as de three years was up. Sort of couldn't wait for the regular edition of de poiper but would want an extree out Just as soon as the clock tolled off de last minute on the three-year yoke. "Wouldn't ads. look funny like die: 'Want to exchange a man wld one eye and a wooden lea- for a man dat's built "Say," said Jimmy, the newsboy, as he came up alongside The Telegram man on Main street, "dat's the best wrinkle yet that The Tele's sprung. What do I mean? Why, the free exchange ex-change department dat dere runnln. It's the double O all right and hits de mark. "But, say, I was thlnkln' of some of the funny ads. that might go in. Will every thin' go? Sure, eh? "I've been readin' it ever since It was started a few days ago. But say, I ain't seen no notice from the Utah Light and Railway company offerin' to swap dere water rights for an even tent' of a mlllyun wld an extension of de charter for half a hundred years, have you? "But maybe dat will be advertised later, eh? But, say, dls free exchange page Is all right at dat. Say how would dls notice go? 'Wanted, by the Russians, Rus-sians, to trade a tew defeats for some good Jap victories.' Dat ought to suit the Csar. eh? "Gee if de Tele' keeps dls up all a person has to do Is to press de 'phone buttons, tell dere troubles, and de poiper poi-per does the rest. Ain't dat about right? "Say, you've read a whole lot about Roosevelt's beln' against de race suicide condition, eh? But, say, on de level I've been thlnkln' some of dat meself. I meets all kinds of rummies in me business of sellln' polpers to all comers. like dat fellow who's named something like seltzer water. Apollo, I guess dey call him. Must be kin' and gentle, house broke and wld a bank account.' Eh? "Say, I've got an ad. dat I'd like to put In. Dey's a goil up me way dat for endurance on de piano has got Jeff beat to a finish. She does nothln' but play 'Annie Laurie' all day long and half of de night. I can see her from me window bangin' at dat poor, inoffensive inof-fensive music box. She gets up wld de early birds and Is the last one to turn In. Say. I'd like to get hold of a hammer ham-mer or an air gun or a dynamite bomb. Wot has I got to offer for it in tradln"? Nothln' on de level except good intentions. inten-tions. Tou say If it Is as bad as I say ni get wot I want? Put her In den and I'll come aroun' to get the tools to work wid, all right, all right. "Say, can I trade a lot of Confederate money for a gold watch and chain? You say 'Nixey' because dat's a crime? Wot is? Swapping money dat's bogus for a ticker? Dere ain't no crime in dat unless you gets nailed. Dat's the crime all right. Dut business of being foun' out "Say. I'll tell you a hot one I heard down to de firehouse yesterday. Chief Bywater was puttln' a lot of applicants thtoo dere paces. One of de applicants for de Job of puttin' out de sparks was told dat he would have a lot of night work to do if he got on. 'You are not afraid of beln' out late. I suppose?' said the chief, kind of stringin like. Wot do you think? Before de guy could make a speel of his o,wn his mother who was wld him up and says. 'O, dat's all right. Mr. Chief. Never fear for Percy. His grandmother Is going 'round wid him for de first two or three nights, until he gets used to it." . Well, wouldn't dat loosen a smile, eh?" |