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Show I t JUST A FEW ANECDOTES Too Narrow. fllt A T THF3 International Peace conpTce k'r Al 1" Boston, Mr. Belva A. Lock- 5 J XJL wood, the center of a group of , ladles, pointed out the uncharlU- I A blcncsa, tho soltlnhncse. of thoso who I 'h . would not help to right the wrong of I -J cVhere, of foreign, on tho ground that I'f '3 chrlty bovine at home. , ,:V,; "sch puraona." said rlMr. Lockwood, I i "it-o Tm"tw, provincial. They are like. 'J nnold laA'y wh0 ,ivcd ,n LIma wW,e 1 ' ' wiuj a etWnt there. "Tlala')tl ,ady was absont-mlnded. One M Sunday mTVnff sbo walked Into church, took a front A and Joined In tho ser- ket waa pasa K her. and, putting a coin l it ia'&ZhloWa&F'te' mind civ-red. m BnaVSSSm of amueement over- :M BP'ho cot 'up6' She hurried down the X $ al.S? Iho o?crtSk nan with the i collection basket. !,,., -whls- j ? "'I'm In the wronc huich. aliei 1 perod, nnd, taklnr out the coin she bad I ' S put In, she hurried forth. ' Helpless. v II C Barnabee, the voter U "jar, lay, i J disabled from a fall, and llsioned to th "AS ' condolences of a dramatic critic ifa Tor years and years," the writer saia. 1 : ft you haven't mlsecd a performance. 2ow iV hero you 11c. helpless -ia a corpse 1 "As helplcas aH a oprpso. ad Mr. ill Barnabee. "or as , hellw 'n6 1; 1 hrla'ea of whom I heard tho other a. r ! ThSe two men had dined together, and niter dinner had Hat too Ion? over their f 1 Saw. thefr liqueur, their brandy and so f1 W on. When it camo time for thom to go Vi home, thoy were In a vory baa way. m MoMeae. In fact. They leaned on ono an- I 4 other going with linked arm., but each, 'i? as a reed to lean on. won rotton. "Pinnllv thev fell. and. with a loud . ! J eplSh? iney rolled into a' full Witter. A J t. : vol Ice , 'officer appeared and wabbtd tho ; . upper man by tho collar to 1 ft him out ' 1 ,. but the Inebriate cried in a loud, heiolo j VKo. no. Save my friend. Never mind i : J. me. 1 can swim.' " 1 Tlio Motlier-in-lA-wr Again. jH At tho luncheon that followed the Chris- i tcnlnK of tho Nebraajca at beattlo, I f Mar- Mickey told a naive fltory of her ' i f father, who Is Nebraska's Governor, lif "One evening my fathuT." aho said. ' t "dk-tatcd som of hi correspondence to K t ,nc There 'was one letter that struck mj I It -was to an employee of my father s. It Inclosed a railway ticket and t said: ; "You ask me for u ticket for jour - mothor-ln-law. who Is about to visit yo.i. '11 "h ticket la ; within. You will notice that 8 "r I did not forget to sold an acurslon ticket, and that the return coupon Is limited lim-ited to three days.' " Got His 3Money?s "Worth. Georpe Herbert Head of CambrldBO is In America aa .1 defender of Kinir Lo-pold'a Lo-pold'a policy in the Congo estla'tflr' Head, the other day, wa talklnf.- to a number of men about King Iopold ji unselfish un-selfish handling of the Conj;o UTeo State revenuee. when a Chlcagoan aaid. "I tell vou what it la. Leopold is cleor. You can't icet the bett of him. This is what I aaw happen to him in Paris it a bnTar. A llttlo'ffirt. a flower irirl. tho dauKliter of a DuchcKs. extended to him a small silver tray on which a boutonnlere lay. It to.h one p.. tliqao bazars where they poubc you right ana left, where. If you don't "watob. out, ou depart without cab-fare home. " 'Yonr arajestft-.' aid the ilttlo girl, will you buy a Mower?' " 'Yes. my child.' wild Klnff Teopold. How muehr ... 1 "Tho flower girl had boon coached beforehand, be-forehand, and 8no replied: "Two hundred and fifty francs that 8 SSQ for a small roe! It waa a little too extortionate. IClng, Leopold handed oyer the money, though. Then ho took the llower and put it In his buttonhole, and taking tho tray also." ho slipped It In hla capacious pockilf. and hurried off. ' To Be Sure. Prof. Wllov of the Burtau of Agriculture's Agricul-ture's chemical department, was talking about explanations tnat do not explain. "These explanations that make nothing clfcar, these answers that throw no lljjht, ma.kc me think of an acquaintance of my boyhood. Jeromo Hart of Inillnna. Jerome Hort had a thick head, a slow mhwJ, Ono day ho was .ui work In a lonely field when ho heard a voice from the' upper air. ' ... " 'IXeyi Hey, you!' the vc-lce shouted. "Jeiome looked up in amazement. About flfly fvt above hla head was a balloonist. The ba lloonist, on a wajrer waa doing a slxtv-m U Journey to EvansTllle. Now. though, ho had lost hfs Tva and from Jerome l'Ji-rt ho wished to aiicertaln It. " 'Hev vhero!' he repeatetL " 'Wall?' nald Jeromu. " Vhere Am I?' cried tho balloonist. "Thereupon Jeromt made a. reply of that opaque, Uark sort that TV0 are speak- " liero arc you? Why, up In a balloon,' bal-loon,' ho aald. . 1 What Hd'd Have Done, Charles M. Schwab, after his -return from tho West, wan pralslnj? San Francisco, Fran-cisco, when somo ono interrupted him with the remark: "But you hurried back homo. You didn't sftiy long." , "You speak." .said Mr. Schwab, "obliquelv Your rtunjLrk. In ail Indirect way. is disparaging. It is liko tie remark that I once hoard a bachelor mako on a train. , , , "Ho waa an old and crusty bachelor, and It was hla 111 fortuno to be seated be-sldo be-sldo a woman with a baby that cried and cried. Tho woman dandled tho baby, caressed ca-ressed It. Jumped It up and down, sans to It. But It only shrieked the louder. Finally. Fin-ally. In despair, she exclaimed: " 'Dear me, I don't know What' to do with this child.' "Tho bachelor leaned toward her. " 'Shall I open the window for you, madam?' ho said." It Did Look Like -It A college professor was talking about the late D. W. Flske. who left to Cornell Cor-nell university C0.0. "Flsko," he said, "had a shrewd sense of humor. Ono day he was talking about a certain fashionable physician, a tall and robust man. always beautifully dressed, a flower in his buttonhole, his nr.Ils polished by a manicurist, his handkerchief perfumedyou per-fumedyou know the typo, I guess. "Flake aald this gentleman Impressed women profoundly with his manner at onco hearty nnd delicate. Ho unJd tho man among his brother physlolans was laughed at for an Ignoramus. Few of his brothers, though, had so lucrative a practice prac-tice as he. All the women of wealth for ton miles round-about employed him. "Ono afternoon ho called on a lady, tho young wife of a millionaire, to treat her for some slight Indisposition. Sho sat on a sofa In her drawing-room. Her Ilttlo daughter, a child of 7 or S years, played by the window. Tho physician, with hlo well-known manner, seated himself be-!do be-!do h's pretty patient, looked sympathetically sympa-thetically Into hor eyes, took her hand, nnd laid his linger on her pulse. "Gravo and tender, in this attitude, he sat there, and then ho happened to glanco at the Ilttlo girl. She was regarding him curiously. " 'You don't know what I am doing, do you?' he said to her. " 'Yes.' Bald tho little girl, 'I do. You aro making lovo to my mamma.' " Cryptic Charles W. Kcmpel, tho Mayor of Akron, Ak-ron, in tho course of an addrcxsn at a banquet ban-quet said something vague, wheroupon a man at tho other end of tho table called out: "Cryptic A cryptic utterance!" "Why. not at all." sold Mr. Kempol. "That utterance was not cryptic It waa only significant slgnlllcant llko tho broker's brok-er's speech to his orphaned clerk. You might, perhaps consider that speech cryptic, cryp-tic, too, but I assure you that tho orphaned or-phaned clerk did not. "He. poor chap, camo to his employer ono morning with a look of woo in his eyes. " 'My father, sir, has died.' he said. 'Ho is to he burled In Los Angeles. I deslro a week off to attend his funeral.' " 'A week off? To be sure.' said tho broker in a kindly tone. 'And your salary, Albert, will go on Just the sarao whllo you are away. Bear up, my boy. It's hard, I know. But bear up.' " 'I'll try, sir,' said tho clerk In a choked voice. Ho put hlH desk in order, drew his salary In advance and departed slowly, with drooping ahouldero and downcast cyt a. "A ff-w days later there wn3 a visitor at tho oftlco for him. " 'Albert Albert Hartwoll-he la In?' said a hearty voice. "The broker looked up. "'No.' ho said, 'Albert, I regret -to inform in-form you. Is not in. He lias gone to Los Angeles to tho funeral of his father.' "Tho visitor seemed puzxled. " 'The funeral of who?' he said. " 'Of his father,' repeated the broker. " 'Why, nonsense. cried tho other. 'I'm his father. I'm John Hartwell.' "And thereupon, thinking how he had been duped, the broker amlled and bit his lip. "Albort Hartwell, at the end of tho week, returned to work. On his arrival ho noticed something queer In the looks of hla fellow clerks, but he Imputed this to the lmaflnlngs of his own uneasy conscience. con-science. He bent over his desk, and was working soberly when his employer en- ! lured. "Tho employer called him to him. ' 'Albert.' he said, 'did you bury your father?' " 'Yes,' the clerk answered. 'We burled him last Thursday, elr.' " "What kind of a man waa your father. fath-er. Alfred?' "The clerk perceived that all tho eyeo In tho room were on him. He said In a sad voice: " 'Father was a noble man. He was charitable and wise and' "Tho employer smiled and bit his lip ngaln. He looked around to assuro himself him-self that all tho clerks and stenographers in tho big office were listening, ami then ho cald: " 'Your father, Albort, was all that and more. I hadn't the pleaeuro of knowing him during his life, but on th day of his funeral ho called hero, and his conversation conversa-tion showed him to be worthy of all tho praise that a bereaved son could possibly lavish on him. A wise and good corpso ho was. Now, Albert, that will do. You may return to your desk.' " The Cheaper "Way. Col. G. C. Goodloo of -tho marine corps said rucently, apropos of somo philanthropic philan-thropic schemo of small utility: "This is tho kind of help that a certain cer-tain aristocratic family of Kentucky gives. "Thero Is an olderly widow, a poor relative rel-ative of tills family, who has a hard tlmo to get along. She has three daughters, girls ranging In years from 15 to 20, and ono day sho applied to a friend of mine for help for thorn. " 'I'd like to get somo winter dressoa for tho girls,' she said. 'Aren't thero at your house somo old woolen frocks that aro not needed?' " "Why. yes, I guess so.' said my friend. 'But I thought your rich relatives looked after your daughters.' "Tho old woman signed. " 'Only their morals, sir:, only their morals,' sho said." The Gallant HuBband. The lato Senator Hoar, at a meeting of the Daughters of the American novo-lutlon, novo-lutlon, once depicted very strikingly tho boorish married mao at borne. "Ono Incident, If It bo well selectod," said Senator Hoar, "gives us a picture of this man's entire homo life. Tor Instance. In-stance. "Ho Is spated at the breakiact taVilo, hla wife opposito him. and suddenly ho rings furiously for tho cook. Whon. pale and frightened, the. cook appears, ho say a to her: " 'Maria, look at that piece of bacon I've Just given your mistress. It's tho thickest nnd worst cut I over saw In :ny life. And this piece I'm going to take myself is only a little bit better.' " Business Is 'Businces. S. W. Stratton, of the Department of Commerce and Labor, was talking about a small ilrm that had failed In business. "Somo of the actions of thla firm," ho said, smiling, "mnde rno think of an old shoemaker in a little Illinois town. "To this shoemaker a m.in took, one duy. a pair of shoes to be half soled and heeled. " 'How much will It bo? he asked. " 'One dollar,' said the shoemaker. " 'And when will they bo done?' " 'DHy after tomorrow.' "Tho man paid for the shoos In advance, ad-vance, and In two days ho cnllod for thorn. But he found tho shoemaker's shop closed and the shutters up. " 'What can this mean?' he muttorcd. and ho banged on the door lustily. "An upstair window opened, tho old shoemaker stuck out his head and said in a sour voice: , 'Well, what do you want?' " I want my shoes,' returned the other. 'I want the shoos you mended for mc, "Tho old shoemsker, with a look of disgust, drow In his head. " 'But I've failed,' he said. Tvo clossd down. Everybody knows that-' , " 'That makos no difference to me, yelled the patron. 'Give me my shoos, whether you've closed down or not "Thero was a moment's pause, and then tho shoemaker's arm shot out of the window win-dow and ono shoe was thrown down on tho pavement at the man's feet. Ho waited, but the othor did not come. " 'Hoy. shoemaker, the other shoo!' ho called. "You've only given me one shoe.' "Tho shoemaker. In a rage, stuck hla head out of the window again: " 'One's all you'll get,' he said. 'That'B all you'ro entitled to. I'm only paying 00 per cent. " The Best .One Always Indispensable. "Plerpont Morgan Is a quiet man,", said a Wall street broker. "Ho only speaks when he has something good and memorable memora-ble to Bay. "Recently he wanted to get a superintendent superin-tendent for a certain new department that ho had established. lie thought ho Iccw tho man for this superln tendency an assistant as-sistant to one of his colleagues. He sent for the colleague and said. " 'I am setting up, you know, a certain new department. I shall want a new superintendent. su-perintendent. I think Brown. In your office, of-fice, would fill tho place very well indeed.' " 'I am suro he would.' said tho other. 'Tho only trouble Is, Mr. Morgan, Brown can't bo sanred.' "Mr. Morgan'H eyes lit up, and ho smiled. " "1 1 don't want a man that can be spared,' ho said." Disappointed. During his residence In Canada, Ernest Thompson Seton. tho woll-known writu-r i of nature .books, visited Niagara often. Reccntlv he said: , "Sometimes at Niagara I would frator. nle with the cabbies thero. 1 would ask them to tell mo the odd comments en the falls that they had heard atrangeia and foreigners mako fiom time to tlmo. Many an odd comment 1 would come upon in that way. Aa odd a one a3 any was that which an Englishman made. "This Englishman, a porter In London, had come nil thti way across the Atl.mtla In December, when the rates were low. to see Niagara. Tho spectado had some, what disappointed him. He said to a cabby, over a mug of ginger beer, on tht ninht of his arrival: ' 'As for the falls, they're 'andsome, qulto so. But they don't quite hanswer my expectation. Besides, 1 got thoroughly thor-oughly vetted and lost mo 'at. 1 prefer to look at 'em in a hengraving, in 'ot weather, In the 'ouko. " |