Show BA RKER BICYCLE Barker is a old friend of mine and this story is not told with any malicious stor anY malcous intention Not for the world would I do anything to rupture the bond of friendship which has existed between us for many years I have had a talk with Barker about it anyway and he says he doesnt mind provided I handle the thing in a neat and intelligent way and do not exaggerate gerate which I shall certainly be very careful not t do Barker i5 employed ir a bank during dur-ing the day He has never made it very clear to me just what the nature of his occupation is In that institution but he can be seen at any time between the hours of 10 and 3 seated on a high stool and waving a long black ruler I a informed that he uses the rule once in a while to draw lines with and even puts down an occasional figure in a large book that is always open in front of him but this 15 i only hearsay and a I have promised to confine this narrative strictly to facts I would rather ra-ther not make any positive statement about i But while It may be well to give some gve short insight into the nature of Barkers Bar-kers daily pursuits and the general tenor of his existence it Is by no means essential to the full comprehension of the events with which this story has to deal as the scene is laid entirely after the set of the sun at which time Barker Bar-ker ceases to be an ordinary individual and becomes a bicycle fiend of the most desperate description As a matter o that such fact it is entirely probable would have been his habitual condition at all hours if he had not found It necessary for financial reasons to waste his talents part of the < time In a bank Barkers bicycle Is a machine of the most approved pattern and equipped with all the latest appliances for securing se-curing speed safety and grace There was one point however on which he experienced great annoyance He could never find L device which would exercise exer-cise a sufficiently startling effect on pi destrians and make them jump out of his way in a lively a manner as he would like A bell ant worth a cent you know he would say to me People are getting so used to hearing them that they dont pay any attention to them I ran over three little boys a dog and an old lady last week and its getting to be a nuisunce I said I thought it was and that I had no doubt the three little boys the dog and the old lady also thought so Its an outrage said Barker when a man cant go along the street without being tipped over by people who dent look where they are going There ought to be a law against i I Now what I want on my bicycle is I some sort of a thing that will show i people who go rushing around the streets at night that they dont own the whole town I dont mind telling you though added Barker that it will take a pretty smart man to invent something that will fill the bill You see it has got to be something out of the ordinary ordi-nary run The only way I can make them move now is to yell at them and theres too much work about thatWell Well Barker said 1 I am not an extraordinarily smart man but if yelling at them makes them move I can fix you How said Barker Carry a phonograph said I Barker stood for a few moments in profound meditation Then he slapped me on the back with every appearance of great enthusiasm Perkins said he youre an inventive in-ventive genius Now here Ive been puzzling my brains for a month about this thing and couldnt hit on a simple little scheme like that Ill go and get a phonograph right away Theres one thing about It Barker said I and that is that phonogharphs cost a good deal of money I What do I care for that said he I had rather pay a hundred dollars I than be constantly in danger from those reckless people One or two evenings after this I was crossing Howard avenue when I heard a voice Barkers voice but with an unfamiliar nasal twang about it hallooing at me Look out there Involuntarily I started There was an uncannlness about ita weird and unnatural emphasis I was a voice pregnant with the ring of authority and as I stepped quickly to one side there shot by me a vision of gray golf stockings sweater and cycling cap with which I well was pretty wel acquainted So he actually rigged up his wheel with a phonograph Darting into a nearby bicycle agency I hired a wheel in feverish haste and sped up the avenue in pursuit of the fleeting figure in gray In the dim distance I could hear the howl of the fiendish thing as it sped on through the night and as I sped over the asphalt with the speed of the wind the space between us lessened sened and I began to catch the melody of shouts that were pouring forth from the vicinity of Barkers handlebars handle-bars He had evidently loaded it with a variety of expressions suitable for all sorts of emergencies and the thing was spitting them out with an intelli gence that bordered on the marvelous Would you be so kind miss it said with theaccent of a Chesterfield as a woman of the fat and forty persuasion stepped in the way as to turn to the right a little Aw thanks And the woman smiled at Barker and thought he was such a polite young man A few rods further on a small 1 boy darted across th street beneath the flickering rays of the electric light Hi there yelled the phonograph get a move on you now yi yi l yl whereupon the boy was convinced he was being pursued by a lunatic and fled down a side street Barker said I solemnly pushing my wheel up alongside of him by a tremendous effort you had better take that thing off Why how do you do said h take it off Why Because I am morally certain said I I that its a violation of ordinance No 5046 I one of those mounted policemen icemen comes along and that thing howls at him youll go to jail But Barker evidently thought that was all nonsense He didnt care if it violated the whole council series from A to Izzard He had got hold of an elegant ele-gant thing and was going to stick to Hand H-and I was a gay sort of a man to recommend rec-ommend it to him and then advise him to give it up All this time the phonograph phono-graph was talking in the tone of deep I disgust to a heavy Individual who was i pedaillng along in aleisurely way justin j just-in front of us and who must have been I stone deaf or he would certainly have clambered down and punched Barkers head Then I was initiated into the mysteries myster-ies of the thing and saw how by pushing push-ing a small attachment down so that it rubbed on the front wheel the mechanism me-chanism of the pihonograph was made to revolve and it shouted out whatever was in it until the clamp was released Barker said he had talked into it half I a day and it was evidently well supplied sup-plied with a vocabulary By the time we got to the dub for we belonged to a club both of us Barker was in a state of hilarious delight de-light and half of the dogs children and old ladies in town were on the verge of insanity Of course all the other fellows in the club had to learn about It and Barker pushed his machine ma-chine around on the sidewalk and made the phonograph curse them and all their relatives to the tenth generation which seemed to afford them the most unbounded pleasure As a fitting conclusion to the evenings even-ings entertainment we all went upstairs up-stairs and I regret to sy that Barker Bar-ker after placing the phonograph carefully care-fully on a table beside him gota l drunk as a lord and talked and sang and shouted in a very scandalous and disgraceful way After i was all over I took him > home and put him to bed and while doing this he informed me in a maudlin maud-lin and disconnected way that he was going out riding the next evening with the two Cutter girls daughters of old man Coupon Cutter one of the directors direc-tors in the bank and he wished I would drop around and ride with the big one so he could talk to Ihe little one He said that I was his only friend 1j and that he loved the little one He did not love her in any ordinary way C either but In a way in which no one ever had loved before Now I like Barker and he is a friend or of mine and ac a matter of course it was only common charity to help him out in a case like that So I gave him a lot of good advice about how to doctor doc-tor his head in the morning which he received with very bad grace and promised to be in the neighborhood of fall old Cutters the next evening without fsilI I was a little late getting off and had hardly got within sight of the house on the fololwing night when I met the two girls and Barker coming towards I me He seemed to be in high spirits rj and was particularly jolly when they t met me I wanted to ask hIm about the phonograph but hesitated todo so He immediately mentioned the matter ll himself however and explained that the youngest Miss Cutter was infatuated J infatua-ted with the thing and had insisted in having it put on her bicycle and that Y 1 they were all anxiously awaiting something 1 I some-thing fo trJal I afterwards discovered Ji I that Barker ha represented to them 1 that the whole thing was his own idea and they had declared that he was 3 I wonderfully ingenious I We had gone about three blocks A Barker and the little ones being In front and the elder Miss Cutter and X myself in the rear when a man tried J to cross the street in front of us f Hooray gimme me another drink said the phonograph in a ghastly counterfeit t coun-terfeit of Barkets voice The man gazed at us in astonish mpnt and fell into the gutter Barkers machine wobbled violently and I could see that his nerve had crumbled while I felt a shiver along my own spine as I took in the situation p Her golden hair was hanging down her hhhhlsback sang the I wretched instrument in Barkers well known treble Evidently the little lone couldnt loosen the clamp I Drops of sweat stood on Barkers I brow joke and he tried to turn it off as a Funny aint It said he never can tell what it will say Youre a liar screamed the phonograph phono-graph Come long now and pas the whisk ps I could see the little one turn pale and the elder Miss Cutter looked daggers dag-gers at Barker Tra la la tra la la wow wow wow whoopee said the phonograph Shay it continued in a confidential confiden-tial whisper Im stuck on the hie prettiest hie girl prettesthicgrl Take i off growled Barker making I mak-ing a lunge at the instrument but his I equilibrium was gone and he fell in an ignominious heap on the pavement Ho ho youre drunk shrieked the I machine derisively a we darted on i and left him Mr Perkins said the elder Miss T Cutter dismounting and pointing Imperiously Im-periously in the direction of her sisters wheel l take that thing off I obeyed her with the utmost alacrity and cast it at the dark spot where its owner was reposing o said the elder Miss Cutter take us home sir And so I did and when old man Cutter looked at me In aD inquiring way over the tops of his glasses I felt as guilty as a man who had robbed a bank and strangled the janitor They didnt ask me to come in so I went off to hunt up Barker I found him sitting on the curbstone pounding at something with a brick Whats that said I I never saw a man who could ask so many foolish questions said he sulkily and then he climbed upon his I bicycle and rode away and now I understand that the board of directors have become economical and cut down his crat salary New Orleans TimesDemo |