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Show Laws Could Add to 1 Personal Comfort f. ' j By RING LARDNER To the Editor : Here's a copy of the message I am sending to conf-re- and maybe they might not dast give it out to the papers pa-pers so here's a copy of it : To Congress : Well, ladys and gents, I realize it nlu't customary for nobody only the president to send you hoys a message but still and all they's no law vs. nobody no-body sending you one a specially a man that come as close to the white house as myself, and might of got all the way in if I hadn't of left Washington Washing-ton a few minutes before the Cool-idges Cool-idges decided to make it a amusement park, at least judgeing from some of the birds that did get in I don't see how they could of barred this baby. And besides if you boys is anything Mike our lust congress a message will 1 go just as big whether it conies from me or the president or the ouija board, so anyway I am going to write and point out a few things that needs tension. ten-sion. Well, gems, ycu know the old gag that people that lives in a glass house shouldn't drink out of a bottle so the place to commence makeing reforms I? right where you are at, namely the nation's capital, and I don't know no way you can make a better beginning begin-ning than appt, a committee to attend all the ball games in Washington this season and find out If the home team is really playing their best And the next thing to do Is to give the town Pullman telephone booths so a person can enjoy a nights rest while waiting for the wrong number and thus kill 2 birds with one nickel besides be-sides getting your shoes shined. "Please use this rag to wipe your razor as one small cut destroys a towel." "Guests without baggage 25 cts. extra ex-tra for meals served in booth." "Stop; have you anything left?" Pass a bill providing for the president pres-ident not to leave Washington during hi? Incumbrance as they are libel to run wild when they get away from home and go to gay Paree and buck the Tiger or something. Presidents, of course, like to travel because they get 10 cts. per mile which nets them about 2 cts. profit at the present rates minus the amusement tax on a upper but if they claim they can't get along without some such kind of a get rich quick scheme, why allow them a dime for every mile they stay on the fairway fair-way and I guess by the end of 4 yrs. they will have enough saved up to buy interest in a milk chocolate. I also wished you would put up the names of the different govt, bldgs. In big letters so as when a man is showing show-ing his Airs, the town she won't act like she has him subpoenaed. Borrow a 16 yr. old dependent child somewheres and give It to the bird that figured out the personal exemption exemp-tion allowance on the income tax and make him support It on $200 a year. Pass a rule to permit smokeing In the senate and house so as you boys won't keep asking teacher If you can leave the rm. So much for local legislation and now we come to matters that effects the whole O. S. States and the first thing to do is pass another amendment because it takes In both the ISth and 19th amendments to have this new amendment provide that Election Day is Kings X from prohibition so a man will have some place to hang around while the madam is spoiling ballots. Repeal the truants law so a person won't have to go all spring and fall without a caddy. Repeal the law vs. the rabbit punch in boxing. This punch is a blow that lands at the base of a fighter's brain and It looks to me that the man that land? it instead of being disqualified ought to be given a seat In the hall of fame along with Columbus and Admiral Ad-miral Peary. No fare minded congress wants to show partiality towards either one of the 2 big govt, war schools so another an-other sporting event that should ought to he laid on the shelf is tin service game. This saves them the trouble of getting rid of the tickets. Pass a law vs. men wearing dinner clothes which don't benefit nobody hut the Chinaman. Or if it looks like there was too much opposition to abolishing this quaint custom all together, to-gether, at least leave us have some govt, regulation so as when you are j called up and ast to dinner you won't have to go through no all day b.itlle of the Marne deciding if you will or you won't. Make some kind of a universal rule in regards lo hats in co-ed elevators. The-way It is now a man Is all right . if he stays in one town but the min- j ute he goes visiting he Is all wrong. j For Inst. If you are In Chicago you keep your hat on unles-t the elevator I in "a hotel or a department store. In N Y city you also take them oft in a apt. bldg. providing the lady ain't your own wife or a relative. lint in places like Washington you got to expose yourself In elevators of all I kinds and when 1 and the madam were I on a siht-seeing trip to the different I floors of office hldgs. I discovered I was the only g:-m in the car with a envercd e.-g and felt even sillier thr.n ever. These n f''w Af "!e needed legis-latiofis. legis-latiofis. Ix'vs. and I wished y-u would i find tii'1'' '" givp thorn tension bin i j snpi'i'Se ynu vv' be too busy nioiik!n ' w':h the v.onls and ni::ie of a pe;M-.? j tr; :;ty wi'li a co'iniry t!:;it knows, or j ;u !';:! tins heard rmpors. tli.-'t ww Bin'l I - en t" ! ; t i 1 1 p them for 1" yrs. j Ct t The Bell fijnuicate. Inc. 1 1 |