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Show Uncle Vslfe Wff feel m PRACTICE OF ECONOMY '1VTI:' so-l:iu" tl,e 'Iniggist, is 1V1 selling some wonderful liquid porcelain, and I think we ought to have a bottle," said Mrs. .Tainesworthj'., "There are u dozen things about the house which would he greatly im- I proved if enameled. enam-eled. The bath- til), for instance, is a disgrace, as most of the white coating has disappeared." disap-peared." "People who don't like our b a t h t u 1) don't need to wash themselves In it," replied .Tameswor-thy. .Tameswor-thy. "It's a good enough bathtub for any reasonable reasona-ble person. Of course, you want to put a coat of your liquid porcelain on It, as a measure of economy, but, like all your retrenchment retrench-ment schemes, it would be a Dzzle. The porcelain would never dry, and the first time I took a bath I'd get my person covered with it and would have to go to the taxidermist for relief. "Last summer you had another great scheme for saving our hard-earned doubloons. You painted the lawn swing and never said a word to me about it. After dark, I took a seat in the swing, to rest my weary bones, and when I wanted to leave It, I found I couldn't. I stuck to that swing like a two-cent stamp to a dunning letter. The neighbors had to come over and pry me loose with spades and things before I could get away. My raiment was ruined, and it was a suit I bad worn only three seasons. You explained ex-plained to me afterward that you thought you'd be saving money by painting the swing yourself. Your passionate pas-sionate fondness for the kind of economy econo-my that involves spending money has brought these gray hairs to my sideboards side-boards and made me old before my time. "There's only one reliable way to save money, Mrs. Jamesworthy. Salt it down. Put it in a tin can and solder the lid down tight. If you go to the druggists and grocers and hardware men, and ask them how to economize, they'll try to sell you something that will put you in Easy street. I don't blame them for it. They are in business busi-ness for the purpose of selling things, but no sane woman would accept any one of them as her guide, philosopher and friend, in matters of retrenchment. retrench-ment. "It was the druggist who sold you five gallons of his patent disinfectant, telling you that you might save vast sums of money by having it on hand. There was a contagious disease in town then, and the druggist pointed out that people who had the disease were almost bankrupted by the expense. ex-pense. In case the disease was headed head-ed in our direction, all we bad to do was to use this disinfectant and we'd be immune. The disgusted malady would turn in its tracks and hike away in some other direction. "Of course, having the disinfectant on hand, we were suffering to use it, and when you heard that a man in the neighborhood had the heaves you concluded con-cluded it was time to get busy. You sprayed the house with the stuff, and you know what happened then. We had to borrow a tent and camp out on the lawn for a week. The aroma infesting in-festing the house was so strong that the clock stopped and all our priceless oil paintings turned bluck. "Nobody could enter the house without with-out wearing a sack over his head. It rained all the time we were camped on the lawn, and we till caught the champion colds of our lives. It was a week of uuadulterated misery, and it was the result of your determination to save money by every expensive means. The only comfort or pleasure I got out of the whole business was derived de-rived from twisting the druggist's nose and telling him what I thought of him. "The grocer told you last fall that you might suve fabulous sums by buying buy-ing several bushels of tomatoes, and eight dozen glass jars; and endless quantities of spices and vinegar, aud making your own ketchup. You made it, Mrs. Jamesworthy, and it all spoiled. spoil-ed. 'We buried it darkly at dead of night, the sods with our bayonets turn- iDS-' " "You thiDk you're smart, don t you? inquired Mrs. Jamesworthy, petulantly. |