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Show iirrHimTioN on riif-iuoT lb iiuIm wu u to uurgiar lutht rerguson psntry slight as It was, Jl-turned Jl-turned the light sletper In tho bedroom not fsr swsy and the midnight marauder marau-der waa surprised n moment Inter, to find himself covered with a big revolver revolv-er In the hsnds of a determined looking look-ing msn In a long white robe. ' I bain t done rrathln' hut cat n tw cold victual, mister," stammered the burglar. "I sec" sternly replied fltorgo rtr-guton rtr-guton "ou have been eating tho remains re-mains of n strawberry ahortenko my wlfo made for my dinner last night Do you know what I'm going to do with youT' Turn me over lo tho police, I s'pose," gsiped the helpless thief. "Worse than that," said Fcrguion with a Icrorloua grin ' I'm going to mako you eat a qunrt of health food Its a new kind my wltn heard ot an! fixed up for ua yesterday, and Us pretty dry eallng, but you'll eat every particle of It or I'll horn alx holei through you Thero It Is, In that big bowl Turn yourtelf loos on Itt" With grtm determination the Inillg nant householder stood over him till It was finished, after which be picked up tho luckless scoundrel, who bad fallen exhausted to tho floor, and threw him out of tho open pantry window "It may kill him," soliloquised Mr Ferguson somewhat remorsefully as he crawled hack Into bed without disturb Ing the rest of tho f tmlly, ' but n man who breaks Into another man's house take lilt llfo In his hand anyway," Chicago Tribune J UK A. .U.WU Pltl R. From tho I-omlon Tlt-DIU: A day or so ago n sailor entered n well known bank In Hull Having got fairly fair-ly Inside ho hailed tho clerk with: "What cheer miitcy! How' your business doing hey?" Tho clerk, who was all things to all men, replied blandly that bustncsi was not so brisk, but doubtless would Improve, and naked tho briny one what he could do for him. Out csmo n check from tho tar's pocket, ' I'ay to bearer 100," nnd he handed It to tho clerk with n chuckle 'That's tho fruits ot being a steady young mnn, nit' thcro's moro where that como from, for l'vo had several years' cruising round Chlny, and not for nothing" After scanning the check tho lork nsked tho usual Inquiry: "How will you have It. sir?" Tho salt hesitated a moment, then leaned over the counter nnd said In n Jioarsiwhlpri JiWelt, matey.. I don' want to bo hard on ycr (Jlmmo ten pun' now, and I'll take ths rest a pun' a week." m: out tiik miimt, Prom the London Answers A Henley Hen-ley man hna a son, sged C, who recently re-cently clamored for money, after tho manner ot small boys "What do you want to do with ItT" asked his father. "Oh, nothing'" responded the boy Indefinitely, "You have plenty of spending money, and I buy you overythlng you nJ or ought to want. Unless there li some special reason, I can't lot you hire It Thero Isn't any reason, Is Here?'1 "Not exactly: but I want It Yoti know how It Is, papa; you were t little lit-tle boy once" This appeal failed to mors the pi-tcr'a pi-tcr'a heart, so thu youthful diplomat said: "Papa, suppose I was lo meet a tilth-wnyman tilth-wnyman In n lonely street hti at night." "Yes, my son " "And suppose ho should pull out a pistol nnd say, 'Llttla boy, your monty or your life!' what could I dor tiik i'mjw. wcrni. "Did any ono ever read hli playr "O c, Indeed He mads his U read It" A eti ntmi: Ati!vr tiik pot. "I had a funny driaiu last night." said the young man to hit father whoso Income, was 119,000 an boor "It seemed that you had decide sot to bnlld libraries or universities tht would servo to perpetuate your mon-ory, mon-ory, hut Instead, had made up j mind to withdraw from buttneat-to Just pull out with your IS200000H and let somebody elio hive the iin( kind of a chance that you had h you started, nnd the richest man la lb. country was worth only about HWWo 'Then, after throwing on all tttu cares you got to filling yoir noc,,, with money nnd going around honttti for people who really needed a lilt n every little while It seemed that re! would run neross somebody who u Just about to be compelled to nW m the struggle, and you'd gits uJ enough to set him on his feet, or least to make him eomtnrtsble lo Inst hours and then you'd stand hicj nnd smile and seem to enjoy yourself seeing the Joy you had given lo others. Sometimes you would fairly yell with delight at the good tblnge you had done and ono of theso outbursts seemed seem-ed so real that It actually woko m tip" 'Oreot hem ens'" tho troubled magnate mag-nate exclaimed; ' that wnsn t a dream Your mother hnd on uncle that went Insane I'vn always been nfrald It might crop .out again and now my worst fesrs are r-llxed Hero- Ilelpl Help'"-Hecord Herald IOVcl UIHTANLI III Rmlthers' That's an athletic looking look-ing chap Walks like a long distance pedestrian Wonder If ho Is7 Sneorly No, he's a long dlstancs fighter NVJIrVTIIV JimUNIII ItSTIMII) Prom thu Huston Advcrtltor I was talking In tho direction of n cortaln hospital the other morning when I noticed no-ticed a little girl soma flvo or six yours old toddling nlong nt my heels. Whenever When-ever I stopped, sho stopped nnd waited wait-ed for mo until I started on ngaln "Well, He," I queried Sho looked coyly down nt n pair of ragged shoes. "What do you want? A cent? ' I rcntured Sho shoolc her head "I wants to toller ycr to dcr hospital." "All right Como along." I answer-(d answer-(d "Uut what nro you nfrald of?" "I-m n-rcareil to go alono. So I foist foi-st some one." Scared of what?" ' Dcr Salvation Armory," sho an-it an-it ered "Dey ketches ycr and brings ycr In-lir In-lir dcr nrruory house, nn' den dey says, Tcr my chile nn so I'm scared " M.OTLII Mir. Prom Sparo Moments A drunksn Irishman was onco lodced In tho cell l n Scotch country pollco station, vben ho mado a tremendous nolso by Mklng the cell door with his heavy tKnnfttiTd loots. I The conttublo who had chnrgo of tho pollco ttatlon, going to tho coll door, opened It n llttlo nnd said k'Man yo mlcht pit off ycr butts, an' 111 glo them n bit rub, so that yo'lt bo rjspectnble when yo como up aforo tho nlllo tho morn" fcrlio prisoner, flattered at tho re- $ii it, at oncu compiled, and raw his nUUko only when tho constablo shut hv door upon him, saying coolly i Yo can kick awn, noo, my man, as apg ns yo llko" jJvTIlT Till! I WUIIIWIT IHIINT. Il'nUy Augillna Bwlixleblottom had Sllon from her wheel and spralnid her wrist, and Augustus Illoomcngarden, Err manly escort, was kneeling by her lido endeavoring to bind a handker- i thief about tho disabled member. Itubber neck, rubbee neck," yelled a icarby newsboy lo n passing wheel-nan, wheel-nan, who turned to look back nt tho pathetic accno. "Hut her neck Isn't surt, don't you know," isplled the astonished as-tonished Augustus, nnd tho nowshoy went and poundod hit held ngalntt a limp pott " iiTTirj r.Ainm. Neighbor "I saw the doctor at your door this morning Is any one sick? ' Nelllo (nged 6) "Ycs'm. Papa'a got the exclamatory rheumatism " Neighbor' Neigh-bor' Oh, no. You moan lnltnmtuutory rheumatism." Nollle "Well, anyway, he Just hollers all the tlmo." 'I'm very much afraid I'll never rdnt yu' 'n h'aven, Johuny," said a Sunday school teacher to a mischievous mischiev-ous pupil "Why," exclaimed tho In-corrlglblo In-corrlglblo youth, "what havo you been doing now!" at tiucino. First Attendant' Well, that' tho mott discouraging thing I've heard yet Second Attendant: Whnfa that! Flnt Attendant: Hero s a msn from Jenoy City who says ho'd rather be homo. |
