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Show GOOD SM1 JOKES HAPPY PAST TROUBLES. tPUWTf If ) Of Hit Jn Mt 0 "I understand Brown is making n lot of money nowadays." "How did you get the idea?" "He's started telling everybody about the struggles lie had when he wasn't." Easy. To vex your neighbors every morn A way is quickly found; Just buy yourself an auto horn With most unearthly sound. Lost I "What has become of that daughter of yours who went on the stage, Mrs. Maginnis?" we inquired of our laundress. laun-dress. "Och wlrra, wlrra !" cried the poor woman, bursting into tears. "We nivver mintion pore Biddy's nnome anny more, ma'am. She married be-nnyth be-nnyth her. She run off wit wan o' thira lizards Iv the Smart Set !" Judge. An Ulterior Motive. "The cabaret features of this restaurant res-taurant are rather elaborate." "So they are." "The management seems determined to entertain guests, regardless of the cost." "Dm. That may be the explanation, but I suspect the vaudeville is designed to keep patrons from noticing the poor quality of the food served." Just Half Enough. "My boy !" said the man of millions, "why is it that you can't pay your bills on aa allowance of $10,000 a year?" "Well, dad," replied the gilded youth, "I presume that's because a year contains twelve months, instead of six." Citing an Exception. "Slow but sure," remarked the mm with the quotation habit, "Is a good motto." "Yes, In some cases," rejoined the thoughtful thinker, "but there Is at least one thing that can never be slow but sure." "What's that?" queried the other. "A watch," replied the t. t. Crushing Indifference. "You don't love me any more," said young Mrs. Dubson, weeping copiously. "What's wrong, my dear?" asked Mr. Dubson, anxiously. "What makes you think I don't love you any more?" "Last night I pretended to be talking talk-ing In my sleep and you didn't even stay awake to listen." More Appropriate. The One And the band played "Yankee Boodle." The Other You mean it played "Yankee Doodle," don't you? The One No, I don't. You see, It happened at a political convention. ADVICE TO NEWLYWEDS. "We surprised our friends by getting married." "Good enough. Now surprise 'em by staying mnrried." Consoling. His Wife John, dear, did you get any consolation from the minister's sermon this morning? Her Husband You bet I did. I was made to realize that I might be n whole lot woree than I am. Melodrama. "Is this what you would call a gripping grip-ping play?" "Most assuredly. The villain chokes the heroine and the hero chokes the villain off and on for nearly three hours." AT THE RACES. Ttedd That fellow over there wns just talking about the horses. Do you know him? Greene Oh, yes, well. "How do you know he's up on the ponies?" "Why, he's n college graduate." "What's that got to do with his knowing the ponies?" "Why, he's a graduate of a veterinary vet-erinary college." . Before and After. "My dear," said Mrs. Wederly to what she drew in the matrimonial lottery, lot-tery, "what is the difference between idealism and realism?" "Idealism," answered Wederly, "is what we experienced during our courtship." court-ship." "Yes," she gurgled, "and realism?" "Oh," he replied, "that Is what we are up against at the present writing.". Whereupon the cat got up and left the room in disgust. Actually Annoyed. "I fear Gadson lacks poise." "Why, I've always thought him rather self-possessed." "Perhaps he is, under ordinary circumstances, cir-cumstances, but I notice that when an Insistent young woman stops him on a street corner and forces him to buy a flag, or a tag or a button, he betrays a slight irritation, instead of smiling in a beatific manner suitable to the occasion." A Point Well Made. "Fathead ! It's a waste of time to argue ar-gue with you !" shouted the Irascible man. "You're an inconsistent cuss." "What do you mean?" "If you consider It a waste of time to argue with me, why don't you turn loose my coat lapel and let me go on about my business?" HIS WIFE'S REASON. "No, I never give up my seat in a street car to women. My wife won't permit it." "Why not?" "She says that if I offer a woman a seat she'll think I'm trying to flirt with her." A Matter of Wills. Tou may call a lawyer lazy. And he may be so until He gets a will to work with Then he works with a will. They Help Some. "Pop !" "Yes, my son." "What are theatrical angels?" "Why, they are the ones who supply the money to support the company, my boy." . "And are the kids In the top gallery some of the angels, pop?" Somewhat Different. Sapleigh That aw pwetty little sculptress I aw met at youah we-ceptlon we-ceptlon lawst evening complewetely turned nie head, doncher know. Mrs. Knox Indeed ! I knew she had quite n reputation as a modeler In clay, but I wasn't aware that she worked In wood. A Last Resort. "In my opinion, a man must be haid up for some wny to spend his Idle moments mo-ments when he sits down and plays solitaire." sol-itaire." "I agree with you. He's In the same class with the man who is so lonely for somebody to talk to that he goes home and starts a political argument with his wife." Incredible. "That old gentleman who just passed us is a connoisseur of pottery. He owns .$100,000 worth of jugs." "What's in the jugs?" asked the man with an ever present thirst. "Why, nothing." "Shucks! I don't see how they could be worth that much If they are empty." So Paw Says. Little Lemuel Say, paw what is an optimist? Paw A baseball catcher Is a fair example ex-ample of what an optimist should be son. He always tries to take things as they come. Memory Discipline. "I have decided." remarked Senator Sorghum, "to train my memory." "What system will you use?" "I don't know. I'm looking for one that will ennble me, when I am Interviewed, Inter-viewed, to remember what to forget." |