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Show 1 (food Jokes A Relief Movement. "Sir," said tho aggrloved music-teacher music-teacher to tho philanthropist who lived In tho apartment beneath him, "you agrcod to pay mo for all my tlmo provided pro-vided that I devoted It only to tho pupils pu-pils you should sond mo." "I did," acknowledged tho philanthropist philan-thropist pleasantly. "You gave mo to understand It was In connection with your work along cotrnln lines of relief." "That Is truo." 'Tot tho only pupils you havo sont mo aro armless pooplo, who cannot possibly uso a piano." "I know. I may have omitted to montlon that I was doing this for my own relief." Judge. An Opportunity for Rest. Wo como upon tho Idle Humor, taking tak-ing Its caso In a qulot spot. "How now?" wo say with an air ot chiding. "Why this lack of Industry? This Is no way to got alone In tho world lying around llko a sluggard, as though there wero nothing for you to do." "I was quito busy yesterday," yawns tho Idle Ilumor; "but to-day I can loaf all I llko." "Indeed?" "Yes. You soo, this morning they began denying mo." Judgo. Might Help 8ome. Ma Hut perhaps tho young man wants a Uttlo encouragoment. Oaugbtor Yes, ma; how would It bo K you kept out ot sight when he's horo? Clear Gain. "Uut, 'Mnndy, If you can buy ribbon rib-bon llko that for 45 cents a yard at tho little storo up hore on tho corner, what's tho uso ot going all tho way to town, and paying car faro both ways, to got It for 42 cents? You don't savo anything, do you?" "Goodness, yes. Papa always allows al-lows mo money for car faro." Chicago Chi-cago Tribune What the Jury Thought. "FJatmon, I hear you wero arrostod the otbor day for insulting and browbeating brow-beating a Janitor. How did you como out?" "I was trlod for it and acqulttod." "On tha tho ground that It was tustlflable?" sKo; tho Jury couldn't bo made to iellivo such a thing was possible." Chicago Tribune Ready to Listen. "And so," said her haughty J-thor, "you wish to marry Into my family?" "No, I haven't any dcslro to do that," replied tho candid young man, "nnd It you can toll mo ot any other rcspcctablo way In which I may havo your daughter I'll bo mighty glad to hoar It." Chicago Ilecord Herald. For Life. "Hear tho nowa? Blg30r Just got a Uto sontenco!" "What in Jail?" "No In marrlago." Cincinnati Com-mcrcIal-Trlbuno. Sometimes So. "So Flckles wont back to his Aral lovo. I wonder why." "She' was tho only ono that would havo him." Dotrolt Free Press, Up to Her. "Is sho In society?" "Well, Just a sort ot probationer; sho has novor bcon divorced yet." Houston Post Making It Hot for Hubby. Private Dctecllve Madam, hero lo my bill for shadowing your husband during tho past four weeks. Suspicion Wlfo Very woll; presont It to hi m. And go on shadowing him until you rccclvo furthor orders from me. Judgo. Ho Enjoyed It. Meeko' Did your wlfo enjov her two wooVa' Bojourn In tho countjfyf Knpecl I don't know, but yftu bet I did.--Cnlcago Dally News, J! V Immaterial. Tho elderly and somowhat flustrated lady stopped an obeso man on a crowded street. "Does It mako any dlfforonco," sho asked, "which of those cars I tako to tho cemetery?" "Not to mo, madam," answored tho pollto heavy-weight, as ho lifted his hat and passed on. Chicago Dally News. One Point. Miss Passo When I fenco I always wear a mask Miss Tabasco Yes, I Bhould think you would find fencing a decldod advantage. ad-vantage. Chicago News. Workers In the Vineyard. Spokesman (at donation party) Mr Goodpastor. tho principal donation of tho ovonln' hasn't arrived, owln' to somo delay on tho railroad. It's a piano for tho parsonage Mr. Goodpastor (delighted) A piano? Yes, an It's a good one, too. Wo beg that you will receive It as an expression ex-pression of our regard, and wo only ask that, as a good many of tho dona-tors dona-tors haven't any pianos of their own, you will allow their darters to uso tho parsonago piano to practice on." N. Y. Weekly. Facts In the Case. "Is It truo." queried the bachelor 1vho sometimes yearned for tho strenuous stren-uous life, "that It doosn't cost a map rled man any moro to ltvo than It does a slnglo oneT" "It Is," answered the man who had been up agalnU tho matrimonial gamo for many months, "but It costs about threo times as much for his wlfo to llvo." Chicago Dally Nows. MOURNING FOR A HUSBAND. liPif Maud Why Is that lady over tho way always In black? Is sho mourning mourn-ing for anyono? Doss Yob; a husband. Maud I didn't know sho'd beon married. Hess No; but sho'a mourning for a husband all the samo. Tho Tattler. Convincing. Her But do you roally and truly love mo, Harold? Him I asuro you, Elolsc, I love you as much as I lovo myself. Her Thon I am yours, dear. Creator Creat-or lovo than that no woman could uvon daro to hope for. Chicago Dally Nowb, Proof. "What reason havo you for thinking that tho thlof who cntorcd your houso was a locksmith by trado?" asked tho dotectlvo. "Why, I saw him make a holt for tho door," said tho victim at the rob-bory. rob-bory. Judgo. Between Friends. Askttt Isn't that a now umbrolla? Noltt No; It has boon In my possession pos-session for noarly two years. Anklet Don't you think It about tlmo you returned It? Chicago Dally Nows. Not Proud. "A man should not bo proud bo-causo bo-causo ho la rich." "Of course not," answered Mr, Dus-tin Dus-tin Stax. "Now-a ! vs wo'ro looking for sympathy." Washington Star. No Real Grievance. "I s'poao you're tnkln' a vacation?" "Yes, and 1'vo earned it, by Gcorgot It's tho first one I havo had for a year. Been working llko a horeo for 12 long monthB." "You think that's tough, do you, mister? You don't know what hard luck Is. if you had to hunt Jobs the war I do you'd chango your tune. 1'vo only had threo months' work In tho last year." "Thou you'vo had nine months' vacation, va-cation, you lucky dog. What aro yoa tklcktng about?" |