OCR Text |
Show ' 1 1 ' "I Would Lay for Him at the Drug Store dependent manufacturers' price ten per cent, Zapp, is it any wonder that the daughters of our best families prefers a marriage match with a foreign for-eign noble feller? Am I right or wreng?" "Yes and no," Zapp said, "because while your idee is a 'good talking point for the president of the Airy-o Club, Birsky, supposing he does promise prom-ise a feller that if he becomes an airy-onaut, airy-onaut, he stands a chance to leave a rich widder provided the wedding takes place before the accident, y' understand, where is the inducement? The fact of the matter is, Birsky, that the members of the Airy-o Club of America is starting in from the wrong end. What them fellers should ought to do is to get after the manufacturers manufactur-ers to make up a line of semi-safe airy-oplanes, where if you fly in 'em, y'understand, you will stand a show for your life somewheres between' a feller working in a powder mill and a feller in a submarine in other words, not so safe that it wouldn't be considered a good tropic of conversation conversa-tion with ladies, y'understand." "For my part, Zapp, I am content to stay out of airy-oplanes till they get so common that talking about flying in 'em will be so much a tropic of conversation con-versation as saying ain't it a rotten weather we are having," Birsky declared. de-clared. "At the same time, Zapp, I hand a cancelled insurance policy and underneath the motto: 'Kindly omit flowers.' " "And he expects that American airy-onauts will risk their lives flying to the Pacific coast for such a prize?" Birsky said. "I suppose the second prize is a safety razor with twelve blades and styptic pencil in leatherine case complete, and the third prize a year's subscription to any two of the monthly magazines. It's too bad that the North Pole was discovered before this here member of the Airy-o Club started in to offer prizes, Zapp. He might of loosened up to Admiral Peary for a cut glass olive dish or something." "I guess the president of the Airy-o Airy-o Club thought the same thing as you, Birsky," Zapp said, "because so soon as he got the letter from the member who offered the trophy he comes right back with an offer of $20,000 for first prize, $15,000 second prize, $10,000 for third prize, $7,500 for fourth prize, and so by degrees down to 'You done poble' for the ninth prize, 'Fine work' for the toth prize and 'What detained you?' for the 11th, 12th and 13th prizes." "Sure, I know," Birsky commented, "but twenty thousand dollars ain't to be sniffed at, neither." "Listen, Birsky,'" Zapp said. "There is already entered In the Airy-o Club's i ill BIRSKY and ZAPP By MONTAGUE GLASS ' i I SEE where the president of the I Airy-o Club of America hits got a new plan to encourage young fellers to learn how to fly," said Louis Birsky the real estater us lie laid down :he morning paper in Wasseruauer's Restaurant. "What was the old plan?" Barnet Zapp the waist manufacturer asked. "Well," Birsky replied, "I suppose le took the young feller to one side md said: 'Listen, be a sport. You ;ot to die some time, aud a long, expensive ex-pensive sickness ain't so pleasant leither. Get it over quick. Learn to ly.' " "And naturally the young feller vasu't encouraged," Barnet Zapp sug-"-sted. "Naturally," Birsky sa d. "So now he president of the Airy o Club says : Looky here, why don't you learn it lying in an airy-oplane And after you rraduate I would get vou and two housand of your classmates to fly 'torn here to San Francisco, and who trrives first gets $20,0OOV" "Aber supposing the feller don't ar-ive ar-ive first?" Zapp inquired. "Then that's his funeral," Birsky ;nid. 1 "Well then where does the encour-tgement encour-tgement come in?" Zapp commented. 'Furthermore, Birsky, this here prescient pres-cient of the Airy-o Club of America tas got it wrong. The thing to do is tot to encourage young fellers to learn t flying in an airy-oplane but to DIS-:ourage DIS-:ourage 'em." "Well, what he said in the first dace didn't sound so encouraging to ne," Birsky said. "What he said was all right," Zapp admitted, "but he didn't lay no pipes 'or it. For instance, if I would be the president of the Airy-o Club of Amer-ea Amer-ea and I wanted a young feller he ihouki be an airy-onaut, y'understand, would find out .where the young feller fel-ler is working and get him fired. I .vould then fix things so that the girl le is going to marry wouldn't got aothing to do with him no more. El'n Iter wards I would use all this as Bvidence why his father should throw tiitu out of the house, aud when I got he young feller, absolutely in despair, 'understand, I would lay for him at the drug store and just when he is going to buy the poison he is figuring dii taking, I would say to him : 'Listen, 'Lis-ten, since the war has stopped Germany Ger-many shipping drugs to America, you couldn't rely on poisons no more. Stive your money and try sonething f -rtaiti. Learn to fly.' " "Aber not considering the funny side of this thing, Zapp, why is it we ain't got more as one airy-oplane flyer to Europe's twenty?" Birsky asked. "It's a question from etiquette," Zapp replied. "Over in Europe if a young feller has got a father with a rating anywheres about D to F credit' fair, for such a young feller to work for a living is considered like eating with his knife or wearing tan shoes with u full dress suit. So what is a feller like that to do? Cards he soon gets tired of, because you've got to use your head to play cards, and In Europe up to the present war using your head wasn't considered becoming neither. Gollef and tennis is all right once in a while, Birsky, but if a feller Is hitting a ball mlt a club day in day oi' y'understand, he might just so well be hitting a nail mit a hammer and become a carpenter. The consequences conse-quences was that until airy-oplanes was Invented, all such a young feller could do to get any excitement out of life was to climb mountains mit snow on 'em or go to Africa and kill once in a while a menagerie animal like a lion or a tiger. However. Birsky, after airy-oplanes was Invented, flying became be-came more fashionable than mountain climbing and killing menagerie animals, ani-mals, as It was found out to be just as dangerous, but with less traveling expenses and more convenient to a hospital. So therefore, Zapp, for every son of a millionaire in this country coun-try which Is working hard to carry on the old man's business and give employment em-ployment to thousands of operators, y' understand, they got over in Europe a son of a millionaire who i learning to My in an airy-oplane and has working work-ing for him steady two mechanics, a surgeon and a trained nurse. "Well, you couldn't blame such a young feller in especially if he is poiug out a good deal into society," Birsky said. "The fact that a feller (s learning to fly In an airy-oplane and so to speak could never tell which moment is going to be his next, Zapp. makes him in a way very interesting to meet, especially for ladies. Zapp, tvhich they could say h 'afterwards : 'Only yesterday he was talking to me the same like you are now.' Also an niry-oplnne flyer hes got a tropic of .onversation more attractive to ladies. Zapp, which I don't care how good looking a young American millionaire could he. y'tinderstantl, if he would j sit down and tell a lady how he was ; up till tlm-o In the morning figuring j rite costs i :i a big shipment of enamel 1 v.ir" wtf-h tubs, and now by re-ap-riit ni: i. r; tltL- overhead, he cut the in- , , CJ u 0 0000 " -y4 t 0 11 "ooo II OUOOOPp j 5-" ,. ...... , 'nun1 I! LI U LI oo- 9(0 q a o o or ,, i) ; n o a o Br v " p' nO'OP jjno r ' r 01 t' ,i 0 O 0 (J ' ' n w OOOO o ". , (' I J 1 . "The Air Would Be Black With Customers." think that tim Is coming fast, on account ac-count I seen it In the papers where over in Europe they are learning a great deal from airy-oplanes, and that after the war is over, Zapp, they will make big improvements in 'em." "The itlea of Airy-o Club of America," Ameri-ca," Zapp said, "Is that we shouldn't wait till the war is over but we should go right ahead experimenting on our own account mit airy-oplanes, and learn from one accident to another just what it was about the airy-oplane that killed the airy-onaut. One member mem-ber of the club in particular feels quite sore that we should be willing to learn h Europe's mistakes and not hy our own, so he is offering a trophy for an annual airy-oplane competition for flying across the continent." "What for, a trophy?" Pirsky asked. "He didn't say." Zapp replied, "but the chances Is it would be a widder in sterling silver holding in her right 1 contest thirteen concerns which manufactures manu-factures airy-oplanes in the United States, and. so far as I heard it. they ain't in business for the benelit they will get from the systematic exercise of making up a weekly payroll exactly. exact-ly. So you can trust them fellers to see to it that enough young billionaires billion-aires learns to fly to net the manufac- turer anyhow ten per cent on his in- I vestment, and that is the secret o." i airy-oplane preparefulness, Birsky. To the members ot the Airy-o Club of : America an airy-onaut is only an airy- ' onaut, but to a feller in the airy-o- ! plane business an airy-onaut is something some-thing more than that. He Is a cus-! tor.ier. P.irsky. So. therefore. Birsky. i what the Airy-o Club of America nutsi do is to train traveling salesmen f"t the manufacturers of airy-op!ar,s. .pile, .pi-le, case of wcr. F.Irsky. the air v.,:i be Mack with customers. ' tCoi.yiifel:t, New Vork J; jii.-.) |