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Show MILLARD COUNTY CHRONICLE, DELTA, UTAH tfOAfiWAY AND MAIN STREET This Guy Khrustalev Must Have a Lot of Crust Making Fun of Poor Old Joe Stalin That Way 1"" By BILLY ROSE Peaf J1" I'd like to be so bold. call your attention to a matter which Zmt iDatter' even thUgh U'3 been 6ettinS 8 lot of laughs l! c0 Namely, the recent efforts of your propaganda boys to win 1; a influence people in this part of the world. T Z instance, last winter's about how your engi- - rsffe with whether you peo- -' rto thrive on be s Ma ,,,, says ; w we want to t"' i:k rt.1 Pi Li M exploded nothing but giggles. Time magazine reprinted the item as a gag, my chorus girls threatened to picket the Russian consulate, and the syndicate which handles my stuff picked up a few more papers ALL OF WHICH should have taught your word-waster- s a lesson, but it didn't. A few days ago, someone mailed me the February issue of your magazine. Novy Mir (New World), and lo and surprise! In it was an article by one P. Khrustalev which, by way of docu-menting the degeneracy of Amer-ican culture, described me as "a gangster with three chins" who "murdered a man and grabbed his capital." took this, I assure you, as a plaudit rather than a potshot. On your way up, as I get it, you knocked off a couple of banks yourself, and since have undoubt-edly knocked off an opponent or three. Khrustalev, it was evident, meant to be complimentary when he word-painte- d me in the image of Soviet Citizen No. 1. All kidding aside, though, don't you think it's about time you sent for your typewriter assassins and pointed out that their releases are getting more howls than hosannas? And while you're at it, you might point out that Joe Goebbel's theory the bigger the lie the more apt it is to be believed only works with people who desperately want to be-lieve the lie. One thing more: I fraternally suggest you keep an eye on this Khrustalev fellow who said I had three chins. Such a man, in a reck-less moment, might describe his premier as having two heads. Sincerely, Billy Rose said one of them. "Let them think they invented gunpowder." Some issues later, the same periodical ran another captious cartoon in which several Politburocrats were debating the question, "Shall we invent television now or wait until they perfect color?" As another, and admittedly pica-yune, example of what I'm getting at, let me tell you about my own experiences with your editors and copywriters. Every now and occasionally, as some idle-ey- e in your press divi-sion has apparently noticed, I take a playful poke at your re-gime in my column an event which certainly doesn't figure to precipitate a crisis of state. But instead of filing it in the waste-bask- et and going about their business, your name-calle- have twice made the mistake of an-swering back and both times with the finesse of a lumberjack trying to tat. The first time, a year ago, both Pravda and Izvestia reported I was a "white slaver" and that my humpty-dumpt- y little cabaret was "the biggest bordello In the world." And as if that weren't enough, they went on to say that my partners in this enterprise were John Edgar Hoover and Bernard M. Baruch. Well, as might have been ex-pected, this bombastic bombshell Zf when Billy Bo. jSt - . ole in the there were the recent hum-,- Z which claimed that every S (ram the wheel to the fly Saucer had been Invented by a Kow. I can't doubt that I,., an important idea has been .ied between the Carpathians He Urals, but when your prop-L- i, machine gives the rest of lm:i credit for nothing but the r,jy hop and the bubonic plague, who might otherwise , lot of (oiks ' h friendly begin to titter and ,ven your legitimate claims get isst in the chuckle. OH MASS REACTIONS were jdtiy summed up a few months uo when The New Yorker car-,-dn-a group of your agents in : cna discussing policy. "The main - ,g is to handle them with tact," King Tut's Sandals Still in a state of perfect con-servation, a pair of leather-sole- d sandals, painted and embossed in gold, were found in the tomb of Tutankhamen in Egypt. Painted on the inner soles were figures of traditional enemies, Syrians and Libyans, "on whom the King trod". WHAT SAY? . . . Sporting his first new hat In 50 years, Frank E. Gimlett, famous hermit of Arbor Villa, Colo., and advo-cate of a return to the gold standard, shows how he re-gained control of his speech after suffering a stroke last February. The Stupid Balk Change BASEBALL was getting along without any change in the balk situation. In the first place, 1948 was a record attend-ance year and 1949 was almost as good. There was no complaint from the customers, ballplayers or um- - fcti(VrlilgifWi 1 pires. The Dalle was where it be-longed out of sight. Then sud-denly it popped back in again. It is a type of rule violation that few ballplayers and practically no fans could ever Grantland Kice understand. Few umpires really do. They merely guess. The base runner who bene-fits from a balk gets something he hasn't earned. It is simply a blind gift. Veteran pitchers are charged with balking four times in one game. As many as 20 or 30 balks are called in a week against var-ious teams. No one seems to know how the plaque slipped In. Ford Frick says he was out for no vital change in calling balks. President Harridge of the American league is even more outspoken along these lines. There has been no public or private demand for any change. But suddenly this past spring In exhibition contests, the rhubarb-mak- er was on the scene. The pest had arrived. Exhibition torn apart. Few umpires could tell you exactly how long a second was. Leo Durocher was one of the first managers to predict the up-heaval that was to follow. I believe Dizzy Dean called the turn correctly. "Brother," he said, "If one of them um-pires called a balk on me, I'd just hand him the ball and my glove and say: 'After this, you are the pitcher. I'll do the um-piring.' " Here is the main point: Who Is responsible for all this trouble? The presidents of the two leagues, baseball's commissioner or the um-pires? Certainly the players and fans are not. Baseball has had enough trouble this spring with bad weather, tele-vision and badly conditioned ball-players to carry a new burden. The two big leagues are over $2,000,000, as we get the sour statistics, below normal years. Many teams are playing be-fore 1,500 and 2,500 spectators. Certainly the present balk sit-uation isn't going to help an already soggy baseball out-look. ... ' All Around the Map There is at least one extra thing you can say about any Kentucky Derby. You meet practically every-one who is in any way identified with sports. We kept track of only one day and the list included Louis B. Mayer; Bill Goetz; Harry Goetz; Don Hutson (all-tim- e end) ; Paul Bryant; Kentucky's winning foot-ball coach; Wally Butts, Georgia's football coach; Billy Conn; Max Hirsch; Dick Andrade, Dallas sportsman; and too many others too mention. The most interesting argu-ment we waded into was the coming football situation, es-pecially as it affected the Southeastern and the South-western conferences. In the first place, it was interest-ing to see Don Hutson and Paul Bryant together again. The last time I saw them together was against a great Stanford team in the Rose Bowl game of 1935. Hutson and Bryant starred on Alabama's winning team that sea-son and figured heavily in Stan-ford's defeat. Bryant was a great defensive end. Hutson was the finest offensive end football has ever known. He proved this later as a star on the Green Bay Pack-ers. Hutson, that day, gave the greatest exhibition of offensive end play I've ever seen. Don proved later against the Bears, Giants, etc., that this game was no fluke. Today he looks as if he could step into action tomorrow. Both Paul Bryant of Kentucky and Wally Butts of Georgia agreed the Southeastern conference would be one of the best of the year ahead. No Arcaro Alibis "A poor way to inspire confi-dence is to start in with an ex-cuse," a sporting philosopher once wrote. Christy Mathewson once said that a ballplayer needs an alibi to bolster his confidence. "When you can throw the blame on the breaks, you help your own esteem, often needed when a slump arrives." There is something to this angle. But one competitor who never uses it is Eddie Arcaro. Personal To Women With Nagging Backache Am we set older, tress and train, n, excessive smoking or exposure toi cold sometimes slows down kidney func-tion. This may lead many folks to com-plain of nagging backache, loss of pep and energy, headaches and dirtiness. 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I i wim prince mm in I teofoRPA.wor - MY PIPE I'M SURE OF tRIMP CUT PRINCE ALBERT '7''' i MILDER, RICHER-TASTIN- G rolls UP FAST AND EASY - " i4j SMOKING COMFORT. INTO A FIRM CIGARETTE. 4 ) ITS A JOY TO SMOKE AND GIVES ME A I j MIGHTY TASTY SMOKE. ' - - I,--..- --, t;-;- i. ft.- -. f nrrfi1 E. J. Beynoldi Tobacco Co.. N. J, The choice naturally mild tobacco selected for Prince Albert is specially treated to insure against tongue bite. And crimp cut Prince Albert gives a fresh, smoke right down to the bottom of the humidor-to- p tin. j, ; I i 1 fun In "Grand Ofe Opry. - -- ..r M mi eii- -f i Saturday Nights on NC This Is . Your Paper 'A Little Late Means Trouble By William R. Nelson n PUBLICITY chairman of a prominent civic group rushes breathlessly Into the newspaper office, her face a picture of worry. "I hope you will forgive my be-ing late with our news, but I simply forgot what day this is," she "I just have to get this an-nouncement Into the paper." In a metro-Deadli-politan news--1 Is paper office Deadline nothing could be done to help her. Deadline is deadline there. But, in the home town paper office it is sometimes difficult to be so rigid about deadlines. In the hypothetical Instance cited, let us assume an exception is made. Here is what would probably happen. " The breathless chairman would go her way much relieved. Although received after deadline time, her organization's news will be in the paper, . as usual. At the newspaper, however, the chairman's tardiness has precip-itated a chain reaction of upset schedules that will affect virtually every member of the staff. An editor will have to handle an-other news story. One or more items already in type will have to be shortened to make room for the late story. Type already set will have to be discarded and more set. Page dummies will have to be altered. Lockup of page forms will be delayed. Printing and distribu-tion will be off schedule. This probably - Cause e x a g gerated of e x a m p 1 e of Inconvenience what happens when someone imposes late news upon the paper, is duplicated, even more disrupt-ingl-whenever an advertiser fails to get copy to the paper on time. As long as humans are prone to forget, have accidents, or other-wise be delayed in performing du-ties, it will probably be necessary for stores and newspapers to occa- -' sionally accept such impositions. But these disruptions of necessary schedules will be materially re-duced, no doubt, when people fully realize what inconvenience their tardiness causes. Whenever you have news or ad-vertising for the paper, get it in well ahead of the deadline. You will get better service, and have the satisfaction of knowing that you did not impose upon the newspa-per's people. VANITY ALL I C0RNER By Richard H. Wilkinson fpVERY MAN," said Inspector Joe Warren, frowning over the letter which he held in his hand, "has a weak point. In the case of 'The I Flash,' most dar-- -- Minute ing criminal of 3 FlCtl0n this city's crimi-- , nal history, it ap-- pears to be van-ity." He gestured toward the letter. "The fellow has become drunk with his success in accomplishing two outstanding robberies. And now he has taken to writing us let-ters, stating just where he's going to be at a certain time and what he plans to do." Detective Fargo blew smoke rings at the ceiling and evaded his chief's eyes. "So far," he said, "he seems to have been pretty successful in car-rying out his plans. This is the third letter we've received. "Each time The Flash has appeared where he said he would at exactly the time de-noted In his letters. And while we've stood Idly by he's com-mitted his crimes and es-caped. What's he up to this time?" "The Devonshire party," Warren growled. The truth of Fafgo's state-mer- it scored him. "Mrs. Devonshire is planning to wear that valuable emerald her husband brought her from Europe a month ago. The Flash states in this letter that he intpnrts tn steal the emerald and "What's happened?" Warren barked at Fargo, Ignoring the incoherent babble of Mrs. Dev-onshire. "It's gone," Fargo grated. "About an hour ago. I was standing behind Mrs. Devonshire in the reception line. Someone poked a gun in my back and told me to walk back-wards. When I saw the fellow's face I knew it was The Flash, be-cause he was a dead ringer for myself." "A ringer for you!" Warren gasped. "What the devil do you mean?" "I mean," said Fargo grimly, "that his disguise this time looked like me, generally speaking. He forced me into a closet and cracked me over the head. Naturally no one noticed that anything was hap-pening, as Mrs. Devonshire was ex-hibiting her emerald at the time. "Ten minutes ago I came to and began to kick on the door. Devonshire opened it. I rushed to Mrs. Devonshire and discov-ered that she had just missed her emerald. The Flash has outsmarted us again!" Warren slumped wearily into a chair. "Tomorrow," he groaned, "every newspaper in the city will have the story. It will be the most humiliat-ing moment of my life." Fargo smiled bitterly. "Every man has his weak point," he said. "Yours seems to be vanity." defies us to stop him." Fargo crushed out his cigaret. "Have you taken any steps to prevent the robbery?" "Fargo, as you know, the Flash's disguise is perfect. He'll appear at that party as a guest, or servant or someone with whom the Devon-shire- s are but slightly acquainted. I want you to go up there early. 11 The butler's face was white and drawn. meet Mrs. Devonshire when she comes down stairs and stick with her until the last guest has gone. Then see to it that the emerald is stored away in a safe before you leave. I'll have Johnson and a couple of other, men mingling with the guests." 11 O'CLOCK on the night of AT the Devonshire party Inspec-tor Warren drew his roadster up before the palatial mansion and ascended the steps. Warren stepped quickly inside. And at that moment Mrs. Devon-shire, accompanied by her husband and Detective Fargo, came flying down the stairs. I By INEZ GERHARD nOSALD C0LMAN has emerged " completely from professional ' s'itment that nobody would be raised il he returned to his first the stage, where Lilian Gish unvered him years ago and had tm engaged as her leading man n "The White Sister." His radio a ici, 'The Halls of Ivy," Wednes-- "mm EON'ALD COLMAN i!! nights on NBC, was the first Next came the hilarious :4 Artists picture, "Cham- -' 'K lor Caesar," his first film I a tee nm Colman is wonder. a quiz con-- ) ? who wm his take up to a i 510 iackpot. Even the tal-C-parrot who plays "Caesar" ij.'.,! scenes irom him quite 3 Thomas, CBS newscaster, I,""" a week recently. The . :!.,r'et h discard the crutches "1 using for seven months, since he was thrown from a a while trekking through Tibet. son was married, with .; ' " the best man. The wedding took place in a . "5 church in Greenwich, I 41 Jani Melton sang. .,H Sterling's standing at wm boosted so ttr udience reaction to work to ..United gtates htn Station 2 rCWS' that he was r;?elteem? has been wr-u,- ., wtIe and looks so roles i, 'eared she'd never ,ere stie could look her ihttr ,1 Cm iust see my tk Tnl up'" sa'd she. friend movies w'th or, Jmtm6 'o a bobby- - a "Branded l00ks her tcGors!"g going to be " IT" pictures a ' pertance in tCir,,MmeS'" and will r rJcr . followed ta by that old bflilldnn r,tormfor'Kiplann8.d J I CROSSWORD PUZZLE I ACROSS 3. The shank 22. Secular sCARjijIjll l.lndian (Anat.) 24. Put (Peru) 4. Fossil resin through HffHlS 5. Crowds 5. Part of face a sieve 7aTg5iES 9. A rule or 6. Finnish 27. Fate !rTiTAGT? standard seaport 29. Bowl IE3emjt7op 10 Incite underhand AjCFgooraftR II Bush (Paints) 30. Stirs up 12 Norse god 8. Severe 31. Abounding ob3lT 14 Tungsten 11. Male deer in news ft il e Is lc Fi .... L Y fj--i (abbr.) (pi ) 33. Primary 15. God of 13. Masculine color earth nickname 35. Weep con- - CEfrypt.) 16. Insect vulsively 42. City 17 Anger 19- Sleeveless 36. Peevish (N. Brazil) 1 Old wine garment 37. Around 45. Attempt cup feArab.) 38. Become 46. Witch JO City (Vt,) 21. Male cat mature 48. Pen point 23! Talks No- 5 25. Gazelle (Tibet) 26. Edible mollusk 28. City (It.) 32. In place of 34. Center 85. Broadcast, as seed 39. Arch 40. Sphere 41. Slope 43. Pronoun 44. Stall at a fair 47. Flower 49. Reliable 50. American Indian 51. River of Hades (myth-- ) 52. Seizes DOWN 1. Brutish 2. Likewise not IP IP 4 1 8 1?? 11 9 n - 11 11 M zizP 3 Wr Zili 27 2a i" 5' 44 7 48 |