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Show "These benches are made for five human hu-man beings or. four car hogs." His rebuke' caused a general laugh, which was quickly turned on him when one of the four men arose to leave the car. As he stepped eff he remarked: "You are mistaken. These benches were made for four three human beings be-ings and one car hog. Take your seat" THEIK USE, THE TIME TO LAUGH. SOME GOOD JOKES, ORIGINAL AND SELECTED. The Big Bostonian Got a Seat, font Had to Take Keen Retort In the Bargain A Quiet Retreat Unele Rastus' Philosophy. I I PERFECTLY PLAIN. Uncle 'Kastus; wno was seeking information in-formation concerning mushrooms, had been referred by a preternaturally solemn sol-emn student to tiie professor of bot-I bot-I any, ana with hat in hand he wa3 ad-I ad-I dressing that dignitary. "Would yo' mind tellin' me, Mistah Mandrake," he said, "how to 'stinguish a musharoon f'm a toadstool?" "Willingly," replied the professor. "In the first place, you must remember that the amanita phalloides, or deadly agaric, closely resembles the agaricus campestris, or edible fungus, which is our common variety and ausolutely Innocuous. In-nocuous. Next, it will be necessary to fix firmly in your mind the distinguishing distin-guishing marks or characteristics of "I wonder why der 'aw compels yer ter have fire escapes." "Why, fer flower-pots, of course." FOOLING A THEATER AUDIENCE. Apropos of the wave of melodrama now almost engulfing the local stage, Justice Jerome recalls this story of his father, the late Lawrence R. Jerome, who as ' L,arry" Jerome was one of the best known of the old school of practical prac-tical jokers and "men about town." With a friend Mr. Jerome was watching watch-ing the progress of a real heart thriller of the old days, the plot, of course, revolving" about the disposition of a mortgage that threatened to thwart the happiness of the heroine the charming charm-ing Mrs. John Hoey, in her day as Donular as any actress of these times. guishing marks or characteristics of the agaricus campestris, which are these: A pileus not covered with excrescence-like scales; gills of a brownish brown-ish purple when mature; stalk solid and approximately cylindrical; ring near middle of stalk; bass not bulbous and not sheathed by membrane. The distinguishing characteristics of the amanita phalloides, or deadly agaric, are these: Pileus destitute of distinct excrescences; white gills, hollow sflk; large ring, and prominent bulb at base, with membraneous upper margin. Bearing these points of differentiation fully in mind, you will never be at a loss to determine which variety you encounter in any given case." "Yes, suh," said Uncle 'Rastus, turning turn-ing his hat round and round in his fingers. "I un'stan' dat all right, but how's I gwine tell 'em apaht?" Chi- With the plot at its thickest, the heroine hero-ine in despair, the villain triumphant, and the outlook in every way dark for the persecuted girl as the curtain was descending at the end of the third act, "Larry" Jerome, with tears rolling down his cheeks, rose from his seat and in most impassioned tones, his voice broken with sobs, but audible all over the house, exclaimed to his companion: com-panion: "By heaven, Tom, I'll pay that mortgage mort-gage myself!" Then this consummate old joker and clever actor strolled out into the lobby to enjoy one of the biggest sensations a first night audience at Wallack's had , had in their lives. Incidentally, too,. , the ruse of Jerome's helped aV,vial)y- , l to the making of the play. New York , Times. cago Tribune. JOHNNY ON THE CAMEL. The camel is a large and homely animal an-imal and has warts on its knees. You can ride a camel if you want to, but I would rather pay 15 cents and walk. Still, if anybody needs exercise and has a camel I think he ought to ride him. The camel Is a very patient animal. ani-mal. He will chew his victuals five minutes and still not have them ready to swallow, but keeps on chewing. The camel frequents deserts and caravans, and has one or two lumps on his back. He is often spoken of in the Bible and In Ben-Hur. We ought to read our Bibles every day and be good. Once there was a lion that dared a camel to run a race, and the camel took him up. They ran three times around the glittering arena and neither one was ahead, but when they dashed under the wire on the home stretch the camel straightened out his neck and won by nearly six feet. The camel has three compartments in his stomach and his hair is useful for making shawls and paint brushes. Johnny. GENEROUS FASHION. SPOTTED. "Weary," said M.'. Waggles Bide . partner, as they reposed on a slant of tender turf beside the quiet highway, "do you know what Jigsby's been a-sayin' a-sayin' about you?" "Nop," said the great man as he looked longingly into the void of his battered can; "wot's he been sayin'?" "He says," replied the side partner, "that you was once so hard up that you actually sawed an armful o' wood fer a widder woman." "It's easy enuff to see wot that story means," said the great wanderer, gloomily. "Wot does it mean, Weary?" "It means blackmail; that's wot it means." ' And then, the subject being a delicate deli-cate one, it was permanently dropped. Cleveland Plain Dealer. Nlbsey Come on, Chimmie, let's go in an' see de show. UNCLE EBEN'S SATINGS. De norf wind hollers 'fo' it hit you. De dog chain tromples on ekal rights. De quicksand don't fool you but once. - De bobbykew takes "way heap o bad feelin's. Sunday breeches fit bes' when dey been paid for. 'Tis dangerous ,to hab de rotten round ob de ladder on top. 1 3 (WW It" v ,' Cholly Aw, my seat s up neah the front, I believe. I ' 'Tain't no con olation to git chewed up by a fus-class dog. De rabbit ain't pertickler 'bout holes when de houn's git in sight. When a man gits too kterful to was'e his tater peelin's, he's runain' de thing in de groun'. A po' man out o' wuk is wus orf dan a stray dog. 'cause he got to keep on explainin 'his s tivation. A QUIET RETREAT. "The doctor recommended me to go to a farmhouse for two weeks this summer," said the man of nerves, "and I'm wondering if he ever passed a night outside of a city. On my first night the tree toa'is kept me awake, on my second the r.:osteis crow;d from midnight on, and in my third a big bullfrog in the horse pond didn't permit per-mit me to c ose my eyes. I got up next morning and told the farmer I couldn't stand it and must go, and he heard me in surprise and said: " 'Why, man, I've had summer boarders board-ers here who got so lonesome nights' that I had to drive the old bull up and twist his tail to m ke him beller and keep them company!'" I Chimmie Dere's no use uimu , I dood is some good, after all. HE GOT A SEAT. A man who looked from his physical proportions as if he could back up any remark he might care to make in public boarded a Boston (Mass.) car the other night. The car was filled, but the man happened to get in a row which held only four passengers. None of them made any sign of an indica- Ition to move up and give him a seat. He hinted repeatedly, but received no encouragement, and finally said gruffly, gruf-fly, so as to be heard by every passenger passen-ger In the car: |