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Show I ISPs H -'My dear girl," gaidherraoth- H er-in-l&w, "any woman would be aattfiflcd with what John gays ho H ffive3 you." "So would I' Puck. m "If you don't stop nagging mo, H Emily, I shall shoot myself this 1 very minute." B 'Yes, that's just liko you, m when you know how nervous I H am when I hear a shot " Tit- Bits. m "How's your son getting on m in college." H "Not at all. Every ti mo there B aro two men on bases and it's H his turn to but, they bench him H and give a suhstiluto hitter a H chanco." Dotroit Free Press. H "Did you succeed in getting H , that manager to engago you?" H "Yes. Ho is going to let me H play the part of a walking gentle H man." H, "Well, you can walk all right, H so you'll merely have to learn H the other part. "Judge's Li- 1 brary. H Marion (just from the tele- H phone) "He wanted to know if H we would go to the theater with H him, and I said wo would." H MadoUno "Who was apoak- ing?" Marlon "Oh, gracious I I for-H for-H got to ask". Judgo. H mmm ii w H Is that picture ono of the old H masters you woro tolling me H about?" asked Mr. Cumrox. H 44Yca," replied tho art-dealer. H "It is a genuine trcasuro; ab- H solutoly authentic." H "I'll buy it. I already have H three just like it, and somo where H in tho bunch I'm liablo'to hit the H original." Washington Star. Tramp "You know tho say- H in', mum: 'He thatgiveth to tho m poor lendeth to tho Lord.' " 1 Mrs, Subbuba "Very true. H And since you speak in proverbs, H I'll refor you to another old H saw." H Tramp "Which ono is dat, H mum?" H Mrs. S. "Tho ono back in tho M wood-shed." Boston Transcript, H v My father talked mo into tak- B ing this courso in domestic sci- H ence." H "And how do you liko domes- M tic scionce?" H "Well, it looks liko ordinary B kitchon work to mo. If my sus- H picions are confirmed, I shall M drop tho courso and mako fathor H buy me a ?S0 hat" Washington M Herald. B On a business trip to the city a m farmer decided to take homo to H his wife a Christmas present of M a shirt waist. Going into a store Br and being directed to tho waist m dopaitment, he asked tho lady B clerk to show him somo. "What bust?" she asked. M Tho farmer looked around H quickly and answered: "I don't M know; I didn't hear anything." B Indies' Home Journal. Mrs. Youngwifc "Do you1 cook lobster?" j New Cook "Always, mum. Do youse eat yours raw?" Brooklyn Life. He "They say pearls are a diseaae of the oyster." She "Incurable, I hope." Fliegendc Bktetter. Gabe "Who is this guy Oroz-co?" Oroz-co?" Steve "Why, ho is the Teddy Roosevelt of Mexico." Cincinnati Cincin-nati Enquirer. Mrs. Knlcktr "You mustn't ask for a third piece of pie." Johnny "But it won't be coh-iecutiVe,?Ma; coh-iecutiVe,?Ma; I'll wait five minutes." min-utes." Brooklyn Lifd. Husband "But you must admit ad-mit that men havo better judgment judg-ment than womon." Wife "Oh, yes you married mo, and I you." Life. Tho tiger came toward me, bellowing and grunting, and when ho got opposite tho screen ho gave ono of thoso fearful coughs which only a man who has been close to such a beast can appreciate. It was elevon feet long. London Standard. She "What is your principal objection to tho suffragettes?" He "Well, they look as tho thoy would mako bettor fathers than mothers." Philadelphia Record. Regular Customer "I shall want a largo quantity of flowers from you next week, for my daughter's coming-out." Flower Woman "Yes, mum. You shall 'ave the very best for er, pore dear. Wot were she put in for?" Punch. Mrs. Regstuff "Did your husband hus-band ever try his hand at sustained sus-tained fiction?" Mrs. Porcollum "Did ho? For at least ten years ho's been trying try-ing to mako mo beliovo ho likes my cooking." Chicago Tribune. "And you still havo hopes of influencing old Titowad to be-como be-como a rogular attendant at your church?" "Yes, and I am moro sanguino than evor." "You aro?" "Yes. If the Government really re-ally begins tho coining of half-cent half-cent pokes I regard it as a cinch." Houston Post. Two men woro hotly discussing discus-sing tho merits of a book. Finally Fi-nally ono of them, himself an author, said to tho other: "No, John, you can't appreciate it. You novor wrote a book your-solf." your-solf." "No," retorted John "and I novor laid an egg, but I'm a bettor bet-tor judgo of an omolot than any hen in tho State." Publishor and Retailor. "My poor wife! Buried on a Friday, tool I hope it won't bring me bad luck! Pelo Mole. Missionary "Why do you look at mo so. intently?" Cannibal "I am tho food inspector." in-spector." Buffalo Commercial. "Da jou think your poems will livd after you're dead?" "Don't know. I wish they'd let mo livo while I'm live." Town Topics. "Brown volunteered to lend me money." "Did you tako it?" "No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose." Detroit Freo Press, Wife "What would you do, George if you were left a widow or?" Hub "Oh, I suppose tho same as you would if you were left a widow." Wife "You horrid wretch! And you told me you could never care for any body else." Boston ' Transcript , 4 4 There goee a happy couple. ' ' "How did she happen to marry mar-ry him?" "Oh, they had eommon inter-eats. inter-eats. She wu a brick-throwing sional bonasmanr' Kansas City Journal. Photographer "I havo been taking some moving pictures of life on your farm." Farmer "Did you catch my laborers in motion?" Photographer "I think so." Parmer "Ah, well, science is a wonderful thing." Brooklyn Life. "My dear girl" exclaimed an elderly lady "do you know that the man yen are intending to marry drinks heavily and gambles?" gam-bles?" "Yes, I know; I am going to marry him to reform Him.' "Listen to mo, my girl. Try one experiment before you do that" 'What experiment?" "Tako in a, week's washing to do and see how you like it" Town Topics, Tho president of tho university had dark circles under his eyes. His clieek was pallid; his lips were trembling; ho woro a haunted haunt-ed expression. Every now and then he turned and glanced apprehensively ap-prehensively behind him. "You look ill," said his wife. "What is wrong, dear?" "Nothing much," he replied. "But I hud a fearful dream last night and I feel this morning morn-ing as if 1 as if I " Ho lies- itatedand stammered. It was evident that his nervous system was shattered. "What was the dream?" asked his wife. t "I I-dreamed the trustees I required that that I should pass the freshman examination for admission 1" sighed tho president presi-dent Youth's Companion. Of all sad words of tongue or pen the saddest are these: "I might havo been on the bandwagon." band-wagon." Puck. |