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Show Widow in a Hurry. (Detroit Free Press.) "I was stopping for a couple of days with Uncle Rube Oliver among the Cumberland mountains," remarked our southern tramp, "when a boy brought word that a squatter living about a mile away was dead. Uncle Rube and I went over and found the news to be true, although neither wife nor children chil-dren seemed to appreciate the situation. situa-tion. She said the funeral would be next day, and as no preacher was to be had nearer than eight miles, she asked me if I couldn't attend and make a few remarks. " 'I would like to oblige you,' I replied, re-plied, 'but there must be others who can do better. I should hardly know what to say about the late lamented.' " 'Whosethat? she queried.' " 'Why, your husband.' v "'Well, I can tell yo' what to say. He was mighty slack on hard work, and mighty ambitious on the hunt. He was alius expectin' to die, but didn't git around to it till last night. While he didn't go much on religun, he didn't steal co'n. That's about all you can say about Tom." . . . "Yes? ' 'Yo' can say about the children that there is five of 'em, and all need to be whopped a dozen times a day.' " 'Yes'm.' " 'That'll be enough about the children. chil-dren. Then yo' can say that thar's"a good cabin and two acres of co'n and three of potatoes and,a-mewl on this 'ere squat.' " 'Yes'm.' " "That'll be enough about the squat. Then yo' can turn to me and say that I'm healthy, lovin', hard-workin' and savin', and that the right kind of a critter who comes along will find the right kind of a critter waitln' to walk eight miles and back with him to git married.' "I made an excuse that I must resume re-sume my journey next day, and that Uncle Rube w ould'' probably fill the bill; and she shook hands and replied: " 'That's all right, and as yo jog ) along yo' might just mention that Tom Henderson has departed this life, and his widder kin be found day or night at the old stand and prepar'd to replace him with a better.' " |