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Show HOPELESS. "A rather plain spoken friend of mine told me I ought to stand before a mirror occasionally and shake my list at myself, simply to keep from getting too good an opinion of myself." "I'm afraid that wouldn't work in your case." "Why not?" "You're such a confounded egotist that If you started out by shaking your fist at yourself, you would end by shnkng hands with yourself." PREPAREDNESS. Spectacular Methods. "Women seem to be learning a great deal about the ins and outs of politics." "I guess that's true," said Mr. Twobble. "Mrs. Twobble attended some sort of woman's convention last week and when she got home she delivered de-livered the best extemporaneous speech, on the outrageous manner in which one faction of lady wire-pullers manipulated the steam roller, that I lrave listened to in many a day." A Hopeful Attitude. "It is said that the new substitute for gasoline will considerably reduce the cost of operating an automobile." "That Isn't the point that interests me most," answered the man of modest mod-est means. "No?" "What I'm waiting to see is whether or not it will make the average cleaning clean-ing establishment less malodorous." The Lure of a Skirt. "Dey tell me dat Mike de Dip got pinched last night by a couple o' bulls in plain clothes," said Frisco Sum. "It wuz all Mike's fault." "How wuz dat?" "He kept on buzzin' round a moll wot de bulls had already lamped as Mike's goil. A guy In our perfession ain't never safe 'less he scatters his affections." Safety First. "Do you suppose an umpire stops to think how much joy and sorrow is created by one of his decisions?" "I don't think so," answered the inveterate in-veterate fan. "It seems to me that he would be too busy trying to make decisions de-cisions that would not bring great sorrow sor-row upon himself." Very Little "Claret" Spilled. "A promoter says prizefighting has become a refined exhibition." "Guess he's right abo'.it that," said the red blooded individual. "Pugs these days take such precious good care not to get hurt that there ain't any more fun for the spectators." LOGIC IN COONTOWN. , "The very instant that Brown was married he struck his father-in-law for a loan." "Why did he do that?" "His bride had warned him that the old man intended to strike him for one." Profound Ignorance. "Why did you give that waiter a dollar? He neglected us shamefully." "Oh, I wanted to mnke him feel sorry for the way he treated us. You see, I'm a student of human nature." "Umph ! You may know something about other human beings, but you still have a great deal to learn about waiters." wait-ers." Proof Positive. Most girls are firm believers In those faith cure notions: Or else they're gay deceivers, When they use complexion lotions. Appropriated in Full. "What's the name of your child, Dinah?" Di-nah?" "He's named Gen'ral Pope Jackson, ma'am." "But where did he get the Title. General'?" "We done name him after Gen'ral wope, ma'am. I'se been his cook fo' J9 years." Gave Him a Pointer. "I'd like to see Mr. Jones," said the lady caller. "Mr. Jones is engaged, ma'am," re-piled re-piled the new office boy. "Engaged, fiddlesticks!" exclaimed the lady. "He's married, and I'm his wife." Rivalry. "How many servants have the Uad-lons Uad-lons now?" "Nine, I believe." "That's a rather large establishment." establish-ment." "Yes, but it will hardly be reduced so long as the Twobbles next door have eight." A Tip for Girls. 'Tis wrong for any girl to be Abroad by day or night alone; A chaperon she needs till she Can call some chap her own. HEARD ON THE STREET. J1 gpP) Rambo It's sometimes kind o' hard I Sambo What's de mattah now? Rambo To tell de difference between be-tween a man dat's honest because he wants to be an' one dat's honest 'cause he ain't had a chance to be nuf-fin nuf-fin else. Wisdom of Experience. "Tears," remarked the sentimental youth, "are woman's favorite weapons." "Oh, I don't know," sighed the man witli the missing hair. "My experience leads me to believe that rolling pins and flat irons are just as popular and far more effective." Woes of an Amateur. It always makes a young man sick And mourn his luck, "When he tries to show a new trick, And finds he's stuck. Why She Believed Him. Pretty Polly Do you believe he is really in earnest? Homely Helen Of course I do. He says he loves me more thnnlife, and that he simply cannot live without me. Pretty Polly Oh, that's what they all say. Homely Helen Well, none of the rest of them ever said it to me. Not Quite Clear. Stranger Say, Is there a man in this vicinity with one leg named Smith? Farmer Dunno. Dew you know th' name uv his other leg? Their Happy Time. "Are Emily and her husband happy?" hap-py?" "Well, part of the time." "Part of the time?" "Yes. when she's at home and he' at the oftice." The Manner of the Out. "I hear that you contemplate retiring retir-ing from politics." "Yes," replied Senator Sorghum. "It looks as If I were going to be out ; and I'd rather say I got out than that I was put." ' As Indicated. "I wonder what is the matter with Nellie this morning?" said the father. "She acts like one possessed." "She probably Is," replied the mother. moth-er. "I noticed a new ring on her tiu-cer tiu-cer when she came dow.isniirs." First l't-ikller You have to get a license to sell the fraukfurthcrs? Second Peddler Sure. First Peddler And what kind of a license you call It? Second Peddler I don't know ; but ( guess it is a sort of a dog license. The Lata Lamented. The athletic young man hnd just bi?en introduced to the young widow. "Are you fond of sports, Mrs. Weeds?" he asked. "Not nt present" she replied, "but I ised to be. My late husband was one." How Mean. Mrs. Gusher- Don't you know my daughter and I are often mistaken for sisters? Mrs. Collier Downs Very likely. heard yesterday that your daughter ras beginning to iook old and settled. |