| OCR Text |
Show J2 TheSalt Lake Tribune SUNDAY Sunday, January 22. 1995 ‘Grief School’ Grads Find Path Through Grief @ Monthly Meeting The motherless-daughters support group meets at A Woman's Place Bookstore, 1400 Foothill Drive, Salt Lake City, the second Sunday of each month at 3 p.m. For information, call Sidni Jones, 2966100 Daughters Alcorn is 2 his Surrey about the man Learn to Cope with Death of Mothers gared San @ Continued fromJ-1 gh his stor inger sister, Jenny the valley of death ot like home. Edelman writes that the daughter's age, the quality of the mother-daughter relationship, the waythegrieving is han- Their uinks of themas graduth good reason. died, the interdependenceof siblings and what kind of mother-substitute attach- Bridget hole mily in at one time she 1 ments are made afterward affect the impact of a mother’s death a ritual for passing at she learned is Jones said her two best friends have nice mothersthat I like” and wondersif there is some connection. Hatton-Ward was 24. married and a S are among thoseleadthis growing trend ids the idea, saying tran- mother when her mother died. Ten years later, she thought she should be over the $ is easier with teacherknow the terrain. And death. She was not few years have “Younever regain what you had. herself lucky she says. “Little Things don’t have to hink my children are is hadn't happened i to say that good things nh. But they do. We've ef Gannett News Service Barry Wilson, left, joined the Alcorn family — Josh, Jenny and Bridget — after he and Bridget each lost spouse. mily ser havetrouble focusfeel resentful idget no longer cries at the end 34, Bridget Alcorn was a She's not sure sheor her r ownresources. They knew what writer Judith Viorst inlife Grieving looks different for everyone,” Bridget says. “But the one rule is that it must be done. If you don't deal with the denial, anger and sadness, you canfind yourself going through it years later when you're facing another loss. My fear was we wouldn't get through it and my kids would turn up on ‘Oprah’ with problems I'm not worried about that now During counseling, funeral homes put together regular groups that give people a chance to share experiences. Programs typically involve mailings, telephone ealls and in-person contact. Funeral homes call it “after care.’ Families say its a chance to come out of hiding We hear over and over again: Am I crazy” Is what I'm feeling normal?” says Kit Angell. a Wilmington, Del.-area grief counselor. “We have a society full of people who don’t talk muchabout death So when people experiencealoss, they're surprised at how powerful their feelings are. They think there’s something wrong with them Disruption in the Aleorn family began in 1988 when doctors began treating can- cer intheorbit ofJosh's eye. Hewas only 7. He survived a year of chemotherapy, surgery and sickness, but his 6-year-oid sister felt resentful. left out. If cance could bring wantedit, too After this much Josh's attention, recovery, she they learned that their father — the rock in theirlives — hadtesticular cancer. They thought bein astate hospital,” old woman With three children gone, Cannon was so bereaved she couldnot stand upright. The heartache was lodged as a sharp pain in her breast She felt disoriented. setting out on er- says the 64-year- rands and forgetting where she was go- That she is not is a testament to her ing. Sometimesthe vision ofher children was so strong that it was all she couldsee. She told herpastorthat while faith The Word. the Word, the Word shesays. seatedlike a rock in front of her Bible. “1 hold God tohis promise that he'll never let me fail Cannonis an expert at overcoming grief, believing “the Earth has no sor row that heaven cannot heal To the congregation at North Side Church of Godin Wilmington, Del., she is the joyous and good-hearted§ she never gaveupon God, she hadplenty of questions, -like why her children were dying in the orderin which they wereborn. It was important for her to voice those questions Fortunately, a weeklong churchgath- ering in Anderson, Ind., put theseissuesinpi ective. Cannonenrolled in Cannon. Her philosophy: “What loves I a grief class and discovered a vein of unfelt anguish At the gathering, Cannon talked have left I just gives away. Cannon has madea reputation for about the need toforgive the man who shot her son. And she worked on what herself as a sometime missionary to Haiti, a voluateer at Delaware Hospice caring for dying patients anda buddy to patients with AIDS. Often sheis with AIDS sufferers when they die. That was true for her son James, who died of AIDS in 1991 Her inspiration comes through her suffering andis best stated in 2 Corinthians: “The Fatheris a merciful God who always gives us comfort. He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with othersin trouble But faith has not erasedall her sorrow. Whenher 15-year-old daughter, Mable, was stricken with lymphoma in 1963, Cannon grew mysteriously ill and was hospitalized. She wonders nowif her grief diminishedherwill to live She recovered and got on with her life. Then her 17-year-old son, Bookie Comforting Advice to she calls ‘‘the maybes.” Maybe if she'd donesomething different, her children would not havedied. She learnedguilt is common Told it is vital to relieve emotions trapped in the body, Cannonis worried now about her daughter, E afraid she might have kept too much of the family sorrow bottled inside. Cannon also speculates that grief drove her youngest son, James, to his death three years ago. Like Anthony, heused drugs A poisonous mixturecalled a speedball left himpartially crippled. Then he got AIDS. ‘After his brothers died, James gave up hope,” says Cannon, who nursed her sonat the end. “It was like all my children were connected, And poor James never had a way to grieve. I might be an alcoholic or on drugs,too, if it weren't Help Grieving People WILMINGTON NEWS JOURNAL their mothers is comforting. The more we for myfaith,’ How do youtreat people who have experienceda loss? Here are somesuggestions. Whatto do A simple way to raise the subjectof howsurvivorsarefeeling is to ask: Can youtell me what happened? Can you tell me what your loved one was like? @If you knewthe person whodied, it’s appropriate to share a memoryor talk about what she waslike. If a person starts to cry, one of the best thingstodois to hold his hand. Let himgrieve @ What peoplesaytheyliketo hear: I'msorry you're hurting. I care. I'm here.” “You and your family are in our prayers and thoughts.’ Td like to help. What can I do?” @ Stopping bywith flowersor food or helping with choresis often appreciated @ Don't denythe death or avoidsur- @ Don't say: children,” “Youstill have two other “It’s been two months nowso whydon’t youjust get overit.” @ Don’t say: raged through his body, and hedied Dec. 19. 1989. For a while, Josh felt responsible in ome way. And people asked Bridget if he thought God traded Josh's life for ark’s. Bridget was appalled. But other peoplein her grief group told her they'd heardsimilar remarks. Today much of the hurt has passed Phechildren arein syne with kids their ages. They are smart enough torealize the memoryof their fatherwill always be with them — when they graduate, marry andstart their own families. Josh wouldn't haveit any other way. Hesays it’s “cool” when peoplesayhe’s a ringer for his dad The family had many hurdles to cross to reach this point. Just because you're invited to a grief group doesn’t mean you want to go. In the months after her husband's death, Bridget got acall from Charlotte Sheehan at Wilmington’s Chandler Funeral Hometelling her about Supporting Kids Involved in Death, Divorce and Sep- talked, the morewerealized the similarities Certain days are more difficult than others, Hatton-Ward said “We shared many of the same feelings around anniversary dates, holidays, spe- cial events. “I hope to be better able to cope with those situations Issues discussed at the Sunday meetings arediverse Most of the women share common ground. Sometimes thereare tears, other times there is laughter. For Jones, the discussions validate her own experience. Fathers are a major topic. Most daughters, she said, feel their fa- thers either dealt with their mothers’ deaths poorly ordid not deal with them at all. A commoncomplaintis “he won't acknowledge her name.” “But I guess that’s how[fathers] deal with their grief,” Jones said Anotherissue is the tendency to romanticize dead mothers. “[Mothers] tend to take on an angelic Whatnot to do vivors. Most grieving people appreciate your saying. “I wassorry to hear about the death in your family.” @ Don't offer advice unlessit’s asked for. Grieving people hear too muchalready “God must have wanted anotherangel,” ‘He orshe is at peace,” “He or sheis better off,” or “I know what you'refeeling.” You don't know howit feels nor do you knowGod’s motives. @ Don't compare your loss to anoth- er. It diminishes what they're feeling. the 41-year-old Vietnam veteran and bar- ber was so strong and athletic he would beat the disease. Most do. But cancer family did not talk about the death. “We werehealthy, strong, independent people whocould handle anything. She finds the support group nurturing To be around others who have lost Haiti whenshelearned of his death. He nevertold her he had AIDS Millicent Canno: has lost four offive hildren — to cancer. murder and AIDS. I hada psychologist tell me I should children could have made it this far rely- go drug user. died of AIDS in 1988. She was returning from missionary work in By Gary Soulsman of each day the losing andleaving and letting was shot during a domestic disputein 1969, and Anthony, an intravenous Amid Her Anguish g his father's death from cancer a ing to come to terms with it all.” When her mother died, Hatton-Ward’s MotherKept Faith Jenny has no needto sh does not insist on Communityactivist Hatton-Ward had anotherdevastating loss: the death of her daughter — and first child — from cerebral palsy at 18 months “I've had a lot of therapy and I'm try- role. You don’t wantto say something bad about someone whohas died,” Jones explained Guilt also is a shared emotion. “Did I appreciate my mother enough?” “Wasla good enough daughter to my father?” Memories or lack of memories are discussed. Jones has few: her younger sis- ters, she said, have more Howmotherloss hasaffected the women's relationships with men has been another topic. And motherlossis not always defined by death. Emotional distance and rejection apply One woman who attends the group felt her mother was not an adequate role model “When it comesto the things a woman aration, a group for parents and children No way, Bridget said. Talking would lead to crying and she was embarrassed to dothat in public. But someone elsesuggested it would be goodfor her children, who Bridget felt were reacting strangely enough “to be Martians.” I felt like they didn’t care,” Bridget says. ‘They wanted toblock out their father’s death. I didn’t realize their grief was supposedtobe different from mine.’ The difference showed up right away. On the day Markdied, the children had planned to put up the Christmas tree They insisted, despite their father’s death. Bridget was shocked, not understanding the importance children place onroutines ana » ans Her daughter embarrassed her, asking in front of the man who cameto talk about caskets whether she planned to remarry. Jenny, then 7, was confused. She thought the man wasthere to replace her father After the viewing. Bridget was sur- prised when Josh wanted to take Mark’s body home, though the next day he went to the casket and said goodbye. Later, Jenny asked questions about why Mark wasn't meeting them in restau- jobs. It’s not uncommonto also lose jobs ‘ants. Sometimes she would also make room for himin the car — as if he were invisible college, pursuing her long-delayed dream of becoming a teacher. Andshedid. But “But I changed, too,” Bridget says. “1 went from being a conscientious Mother of the Year type to not caring if my kids took a bath. I didn’t make dinner. I stayed in bed a lot. I was exhausted and the kids became increasingly demanding. They wanted their old mother back. But I felt like I was losing my mind and thegrief would never go away. A clothing-store manager, Bridget also foundit hard to concentrateat work even before Mark's death. So she took a leave of absence three monthsbeforehis death She went back about a weekafterhe died. ‘I would get through the day, then sit at my desk and moanand cry,” shesays. “That year we werethe topstore in the country for sales, but I didn’t care. There was too much emotion.” So she left again after four months. I've met a lot of people whogiveup their —manydon’t facilitate grieving.” Bridget told people she would attend something as simple as a visit to the gro- cerystore could cause herpain. Gradually, the support group gave her life a theme. Bridget says the heaviness lifted and she healed the sense of separation from her children, though they can all become anxious about each other's safety when traveling or separated Bridget became a fifth-grade teacher and married Barry Wilson, whom she met in Going on After Loss, a widows and widowers group that was based around sharing, rather than dating orsocializing. He was mourningthe death ofhis wife, Shirley, who had died in January1991 after a 12-year struggle with diabetes and multiple sclerosis. Mark Alcorn is a part of Barry’s new family, too. “I'm not afraid to bring up Mark’s name,” says Barry. “I don’t want the chil- dren to ever forget their father.”” is supposed to knowabouttaking care of herself, I grew up thinking thosethings weren't important. I grewup in a sort of bachelor mode “I didn’t understand creating the kind of feelings that are conducive to main- taining relationships. The stuff that people mean by a homeinstead of a house didn’t have any importanceto me.” The woman, who wished to remain anonymous, said she is not into misery, negative feelings. “I’m interested in ideas, in how to mother myself.” The support group, which began last summer,has ranged in number from four to 14. “Some come once and that is enough. For some, it doesn’t meet their needs. Others comefrequently. “It's a good mix of people and a good experience,” Jones concluded. While grief may never end, Edelman concluded that mourning changesas women grow older. With the help of therapists, support groups, family members and mementos, womengetrid of the mythology surrounding the “idealized mother” and come to knowthe motheras she really was. Movie Gives 2 New Editions of ‘Little Women’ a Big Boost ByMolly Walsh THE BURLINGTON FREE PRESS If Louisa May Alcott werealive today, she might well wonder why somepublishers are giving Winona Ryder top billing in new editions of her classic, Little Women. In at least two of the six new movietie-in editions of the book, both published bydivisions of Simon and Schuster, Ryder's nameis more prominent than Alcott’s on the cover. If the star, who plays the indomitable Jo in the new “Little Women” movie,is stealing a bit of Alcott's thunder. Ryder’s commercial appeal is also giving the book a broader readership, editors say. hasto do with [the cover design], of course,’ said Anne Greenberg, executiveeditor at Pocket Books’ youngadult department, Minstrel Books Pocket has published an unabridged paperback Little The Associated Press Louisa May Alcott was more independent than book or aes sugggst. “7 don’t see it in competition [with the original] at all. I see it as a wayfor them to get a taste and then go andreadthefulllength classic.”? LAURIE LAWLOR Author of a novelization of the “Little Women’ screenplay posed to the novelto stay close to the film But such adaptations run therisk of diluting the original classic to the point whereliterary valueis lost, said Judith Hillman, associate professor of education at St. Michael's College in Colchester, Vt She gives movie tie-ins in general a mixed review. “To absorb. ‘I don’tsee it in competition [with the original]at all,” said the authorof the novelization, Laurie Lawlor. I seeit as a wayfor them to get a taste and then go andread the full-length classic.”” Theoriginalstoryof the four Marchsisters growing into Womenthat hit the USA Today best-seller list at the beginning of January; Minstrel released a novelization of the womanhood in the years during and after the Civil War is movie screenplay for readers 7 to 11. The goal of that knew that mothers and grandmothers and aunts and big sisters would want to goto this movie and take the little edition is not to dumb down the Alcott original, but give ion of the screenplayreflects an effort to “tell the story in language that is readable for younger girls,’ Greenbergsaid. The publisher chose to work from the screenplayas op- not accessible to readers under 10, Greenbergsaid. “We children 7 to 11 who go to the movie a book that they can Pa andthenthelittle girls would wapt to read a book.” f the extent that they encourage readership I think they are a good thing. But I think it’s also sort of pandering to the lowest common denominator.’ The Pocket Books and the Minstrel editions are selling weil. The former has gone into a third printing in just one month on the market. If the movie flops, then the publishers whoseek tie-in rights are stuck. But a hit almost guar- antees goodsales “If people go to the movies and have an enjoyable experience they try to extend that experience with a book that they can enjoyattheir leisure, over a long period oftime,” Greenberg oh v e |
