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Show vfommi Why all the fuss about Howard Hughes ? Why don't they get on with the real manhunt and try to find my Congressman ? My Favorite Jokes by Van Harris EDITOR'S NOTE: When Van Harris tells even one about his own family, he does it on at least three levels: there's the reality, the parody, the fantasy. "My father was an officer in the Czar's crack 221st Bird Tracking Squadron during the little publicized War, which was fought with rocks, on the rocks, for the rocks. . . He was discovered wandering aimlessly, a tempdrary victim of amnesia, by a nomadic troupe of theater players. The lady who was destined to become my mother was the ingenue in the group . . . It was love at first sight. Twenty minutes later they were married by an ordained actor, and before the new groom could regain his senses they "borrowed" a catamaran from the royal family, and set sail for the golden land of oppora story, Russo-Cibralt- tunity." He explains how the to speak English "from ar couple learned their building superintendent, a wily Scandinavian with a gleam in his eye that remained frozen each winter." Harris tells stories which are true and contrived, quick and lengthy, and he tells them with a deft command of language. Van's been on the Carson, Griffin, Sullivan shows, and performed at top clubs the Copacabana, Royal Box, Hotel Americana. He's been called "king of the club dates," because he truly for speenjoys performing cial groups across the country. Harris is married and the father of four children. Here are some of Van Harris favorite stories: rs Don't think that daily news occurrences don't affect our children's behavior. The other day as a bunch of kids were riding on a school bus in California, one youngster whipped out a water pistol, pointed it at the driver, and said: "Take this bus to Disneyland." In defense of whiskey, although we know how destructive it can be, it can also be beneficial. For instance, did you know that in some quarters whiskey is considered an effective cure for snakebite? It's a known fact that in the old days every covered wagon that headed West had a case of whiskey on it . . . and a box of snakes. There was a time when the man they shot out of the cannon at the Ringling Bros, and Barnum & Bailey Circus threatened to quit. Th great P.T. Barnum called him into his office, sat him down, and said: "I beg you to reconsider, men of your caliber are hard to find!" My favorite racetrack story is about the jockey who can actually talk to horses. This particular afternoon he's riding a horse that never won a race. The jockey whispers into the horse's ear, "Listen closely, if you lose this race, tomorrow morning you'll be pulling a milkwagon in some remote, rural town." Well, the race goes off, and as they're rounding the final turn the horse is running dead fast. The jockey is whipping his tail off. The horse turns his head to him and says, "Cut it out, will ya. I've got to be up at 2 o'clock in the morning!" This actually happened after I'd played The Ed Sullivan Show. I left the theater with my little entourage consisting of my wife, a few of my children, my As I'm walkmother, father, my ing with my little mob at Broadway and 53rd Street, a drunk staggers up, sticks his hand out, and says: "My name is McGinty, and I once licked Jack Demp in-la- sey." I commended him on his "victory" and was ready to walk away, but he continued to shake my hand insistently for what seemed a full 15 minutes. Everybody was growing impatient, and I was looking around for a way to get out of this gracefully. Who should come along at that moment but my old friend, comedian Gene Baylos. "Hi, Van," he said. I said, "Gene, youre just the man I want to see. I want you to say hello to a friend of mine, Mr. McGinty." Gene sticks his hand out. The drunk grabs his hand, and we all leave. From three blocks away I could still see Gene standing there helplessly with the drunk pumping his hand. Now a whole year goes by. I go to visit one of my sons who's working at a summer resort hotel. As I'm talking to my son I hear, "Hi Van!" I turn around and it's Gene Baylos. I say, "Gene, I owe you an apology. When I last saw you I left you standing on Broadway shaking hands with a drunk." He says, "Are you kidding? I just left him this morning!" A truck stalled at the bottom of a long, hilly New York street. The driver got off, scratching his head, pondering his next move when a lady walked by with a little Pekingese on a leash. The driver got a brainstorm. He said, "Madame, may I borrow your dog for a moment?" She asked, "What for?" He replied, "I wanna attach the dog to the front of my truck so he can pull it up the hill." The startled woman answered: "Are you out of your mind? This little dog pull that big truck up the hill?" The driver said, "Don't worry, lady, I've got a whip." A funeral procession plodding along. All of a sudden the back of the hearse opens up, and the casket goes sliding down a hill into a drugstore. The lid opens up. The corpse sticks his head out and says: "Maybe you've got something to stop my coffin?" Hts to Laugh he sent a nice get-we- ll card." "We haven't started voting yet. I'm still working on the seating arrangements." more than the obstetrician." |