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Show 1995 APRIL FOOLS, DEPRIVED EYE WEAKLY 7 Air Force Clinical Nursing Beeeff nte Contact an Air Force health professions recruiter near you for more information. Or call 1-800-423-USAF. w read in all the newspapers I've N j Health Professions y One of the nation's that mer Jeff Gilloly and Tonya Harding. Green Waldholtz is pregnant. Congresswoman Enid Knowing there was no way the Waldholtzes Does this mean she actually had sex7. Or, is there could bilk people into contributing the amount of another possibility7 money they received in their last campaign, Enid Balzac Itches and her hubby agreed to film their wedding night and subsequent conception. In about 16 months or the morbid is would think Enid skin Only capable of so, new subscribers to Penthouse's finding someone to suit her heinous personality. mag will receive, free of charge, a videocassette of But, we must take a jook at all the options. Artificial the ongoings. insemination isa possibility, seeing that Enid likes My prediction to all of this? Waldholtz will face risks (see: Contract With America, spending milpublic shame and will eventually withdraw from the lions to win a job that doesn't even make six figures '96 election when it is disclosed that Enid's better half was playing frisbce with congressional rival annually). Mr. Waldholtz will offer up this That brings us to the sex option. Yes, Enid is Trapper along she lame hear "What what's but didn't was I supposed to do about beat to married, excuse, say Bob Packwood's past and decide to reverse roles. him across the hind legs with a petrified Milk' Bone?" Timely coincidence, I must say. The most logical explanation for Enid's pregnan- Paul ii By Pope un iui- w40-Plu- most prestigious honor societies is now accepting applications for membership for the 1 uu ui diiuuiu i.iim ISlo.sin!l Must be entering Senior year or" maintaining senior status in the fall of 1995. Minimum GPA is 3.3 Applications must be picked vuu omceJ4 John acuuuoi involving academic year. Applicants are considered based upon the demonstration of dedicated service, superior scholarship, and outstanding leadership. 0. v.y 994-9- 6 s" up at the unionj. Must be returned by April 7. 1 995 mum cunui ROBBIE HITS THE BRICKS friend. jpwwp Brigham Young University "Robbie has been having point guard Robbie Rcid filed a complaint yesterday against two University of Utah basketball players after they allegedly beat problems with his girlfriend ever since she pushed him down a flight of stairs," Roger Rcid said. Following Rcid's announcement, rumors surfaced at the U. that Reid had contacted Utah .head coach Rick Majcrus about transferring to the U. , Li . ' M - him up at his home in Provo. Rcid, who staggered into a' Provo hospital with multiple wounds all over his body at 8:30 ' fe ' to0 :.?rm)&f '' p.m. yesterday, said the incident had occurred around 1 p.m. . Rcid didn't want to discuss the delay between the beating and his arrival at the hospital. The alleged incident occurred That rumor did not go over . two days after Reid made an announcement that he was inter estcd in transferring to another school to play basketball. . evening he erupted with anger and said some pretty bad things. very well with two Utah players, who wish to remain anonymous. In Rcid's statement about the beating, he said the two broke down his bedroom- - door, and started beating him with some Rocky IV boxing gloves. "They really hurt me bad," said an emotional Rcid. After his father said, "Why can't you be more like Randy," i Reid has become increasingly Reid stormed out of the house quote,. interested in leaving the Y. ; saying, "Gosh dangit daddy, you ' In an intruders the one of said, ' me." alleged ; because of rumors of neglect He are always being mean to ' in 'hell ho I'm is "There way said, "Ever since I came to BYU, ; Five days later, Rcid made his a shocking statement, ."I am no going to play with guy .who daddy BYU coach Roger Rcid much that a for in interested hydrogen pcrox-- ' puts has been giving my brother', longer playing and his wear's those in idc hair, coach who resembles that scary guard Rindy Reid more attend socks." " . tion, both at home and at prac-depenguin in Batman Rcid's father said the family Though it is doubtful the two .:' athletes will actually be found U. Robbie Rcid had managed to home evening incident is not leav-- . guilty, Reid said he would get .downplay the neglect for many why Robbie is interested in back at them somehow: his with girl years, but at a recent family honf ing, it is trouble JOIN THE BEEHIVE HONOR SOCIETY The oldest, most prestigious UofU honorary Beehive Honor Society is now accepting applications and nominations for members from the class of '95. Applicants must be graduating seniors who have demonstrated scholarship and leadership and have given significant service to the University of Utah or the community. APPLICATIONS ARE DUE APRIL 14, 1995 For more information contact Lynell Gardner at the Alumni House, Applications are available at the Union Main Involvement Student Center, ASUU, the Alumni House Desk, and from your department chair. 581-699- 5. off-thc-rcco-rd god-awf- e." blue-stripe- ul ' " ijjjif to the library, you'll find the?: details. WRITERS NEEDED Must exhibit. 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