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Show APRIL FOOL'S ill mini FA GIVE 'EM A HUG Another day of rushing to the defense of explaining my drivel to people who would rather burn the Constitution altogether. This time, it seems our justice system has targeted the civil rights of homicidal, juvenile Eskimo gangsters. The case involves Ms. Anita Fixx, who accidentally stabbed Salt Lake businessman Bozo McFartpart 14 times in the back at the local Circle K, On October 14, Ms. Fixx became disillusioned, with the. defunct public school system, and retired to a nearby Circle K for. counseling and a temporary "time out" period. . . A product of social neglect, Ms. Fixx was left without the mere $40 necessary tor entrance to the next Ice Cube concert. Naturally, she was forced to solicit another customer, Mr. McFartpart, for the money. He refused. His resistance is an obvious case of disn crimination, considering Fixx's nationality and the fact that Fixx is both female and held the knife in her left hand. Mr. McFartpart would never have d white male. pulled that with a choice she but to figrjf had no Inevitably, this discrimination by any means necessary, and applied pressure on Mr. McFartpart. During the scuffle, McFartpart inadver-tend- y fell on her switchblade a few times. Shockingly, Bozo McFartpart pressed charges against Anita Fixx, in one of the most blatandy racist claims Utah courts have ever entertained.Now Fixx stands to lose in Utah's typically narrow-minde- d justice system, and the Constitution will be trampled on in the process. McFartpart's attorney's argue that his left-hand- time movies like Forrest InGump received Oscar recognition. Last Monday, the Oscars for Best Actor, Best Director, and Best Picture finally went to an artsy, sophisticated film. Forrest Gump represents the best about America: we can always have our cake and eat it, too. Messages of hope, human compassion, and the triumph of good intentions over evil are just what our cynical society needs. Hollywood never exhibits this kind of enduring optimism, let atone rewards it. Jpjabout f r-- v . ed . .We were here first, poseurs! Imitation is the highest form of fiata jtery. Jt's no surprise that the flurry of copycat entertainment rags pop ping up try to emulate every page of The Deprived Eye Weakly. Everyone loves us, and everyone wants obnoxious tabloid-wid- e color covert. Everyone from Grid to Diesel and The Wasatch Mountain Times bant tried to move in on our territory. Don't these papers know we have cornered the market on sleazy yellow journalism? They could at least give us credit in every publication, . - Ma . gestae coup. mm mm mm ma w w m m m Iff 1 mm m w La mr r Mr TIT ' " m Eskimo-America- right-hande- n n 3 DEPRIVED EYE WEEKLY irVGive 'em a box of chocolates. It's NEWS & NOTES "the little guy" means another day of 1995 rights were violated, and that Fixx's role in the incident was reprehensible. This is obviously more reactionary white male whining perpetuated by Limbaugh and his ilk. After centuries of holding all the power and prestige, why do the rich white males suddenly cry foul when society's victims try to collect? Had McFarpart simply empathized with Fixx's hardships and forked over his earnings, the bludgeoning could have been avoided altogether. Sickest of all, the prosecution hopes to gloss over the fact that Ms. Fixx has a serious handicap which prevents her from n n n rational decision-makinApart from also Fixx sutlers from a a being juvenile, disease that therapists call a severe Coping Deficit." Intelligence In effect, Fixx's condition leaves her without the sophistication to respond constructively when she doesn't get what she wants. Furthermore, she can strip a Mercedes but lacks the pathology to maintain a legitimate job. It would behoove the courts to realize that some people are just plain dumb and lazy, and are forced to disclaimer! g. semi-sociopath- ic "Nervous-Dysfunction- extremes. al ., . . Who put the bun in that oven? As fill TbeDeseret "News h to k Enid Congrcsswoman is preggers. Who gave this woman permission to reproduce? Doesn't she realize the implications? Imagine lii Meanids on the streets,: plaguing the gene pool of the 21st century. Enid and husband Joe have no idea that they're condemning the child of Utah's most hated politician to a life of ridicule and humiliation.' : ..-- ISlreport, WGreene Waldholtz CONCERTS nn n DEEP PURPLEHELMET Classic rockers team with the New York hardcore band. The Deep Purple Helmet tour throbs Call for at the Delta Center. more info. No moshing or swal- 46 lowing allowed. TEMPLE SQUARE CON- CERT SERIES: All performances at 7:45 p.m. in Assembly Hall. Marilyn Manson GWAR48 47, and Revolting Cocks 49. Tickets on sale at the 414 show featuring ELVIS Church Office Building. ABBA has canceled their COSTELLO. Unfortunately or call 'mm 1 I alAJ ..4 U-- J UiUw4 la4fcaaJ mm VaftW mJC Pick up applications at the Bennion Center 101 Union for ihdro information 501-401- 1 Mt Ma fall fa? I AlVf lff f lfftrtTlfYf aaaMwawaa ITIffVf iflffft ABBA and Costcllo decide who's on first. could not AUDITIONS ORPHAN LITTLE DEEDEE Auditions for Newt's version of the age-ol- d classic, fea- turing Salt Lake's own mayor, after the Bonneville Pacific disaster. (She n'tfheed shelter, someAll desired, no where!) ages IWIIWIIIllj iiiwMij experience necessary. DESERT STAR PLAYTuesday, April 4 Noon for Wednesday, April 5 7:30 - 0:30 o.m. HOUSE Auditions m. l.-00p.- Tte 50-C-OOp.- Saturday, April jE3 OSSffS . 3u m. 0 9tf0 - KfcOOam Ali3 DBBSlkd a (DWirin:saDa "Pantomime Your Genitalia." Must have experience with family audiences. Must be in touch with your body. ART SALT LAKE LIBRARIES "Bcavis and Butthcad: The Nude Diary;" on display at every S.L. Library; nt books. 43-2- 2 continued on page seven |