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Show 1995 APRIL FOOLS, l( I DEPRIVED EYE WEAKLY 4 1 CHASING HIS DREAM mmmf U. President Arthur Smith looks for his chance to be in the limelight O v tiwsa iffwi? close to University of Utah President Smith (and I mean intimately close) reveal the truth behind his supposed consideration' as president of the University of Illinois. Smith was actually trying his luck as a lounge singer at The Cabana in Chicago, 111, according to inside sources. Private investigators on assignment for The Deprived Eye were able to capture candid photographs of the closet Liberace in full swing, as it, were. The public was informed at the time of the trip that Smith was under consideration for the presidential position in the windy city. Inside sources, however, confirm rumors that Smith fabricated the job offer to cover his fantasy jaunt. His dream was shattered however, because he was rejected by The Cabana following his unortho- Sources ARE LIKE TEIHV1 PAPERS. THEY'RE ALWAYS RUINING YOUR PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND. If ocne is ruining your weekend plans, give us a call. '" We'll introduce you to on affordable, clinically proven treatment that con rid you of ocne even cystic ocne, for good. Coll today to schedule on appointment with our medical staff. And write off acne once and for all. dox act. "His jerky hip movements were just too much for our older crowd," Richard Cranium, Cabana talent coordinator, said. "His costume covered too little, and I do mean little." Smith was reported to be in tears after Cranium's painful comments.Smith declared publicly that he declined the faux opening at the university because of personal reasons. "June and I hate moving," was Smith's excuse. The U. was informed Smith was on vacation this n were his plans to past weekend. But less audition as a dancer at Las Vegas' Riveria casino. More inside sources have confirmed the allegations. His audition was a dance portraying his interpretation of the O.J. Simpson trial. Spectators were unaware if Smith was in support of Simpson or not. It is unknown if Smith has. won the position. Park Building insiders said the "rumors" about Smith's more "expressive" side was in fact a trial balloon on his part. If the U. community accepts his newfound identity, Smith may. find a place in the AMERICAN INSTITUTE OF SKIN CARE 714 East 7200 South Midvale, (801)566-968- 8 well-know- UOTHEHl4ClttFflN snnmoFPouiiwx PRESENT r m III GENE tJ M i I VU LLLi C if M U33 V "RUSS .. w " I 15 WUiaM " - I upcoming Mayfest festivities or the Associated Students of the University of Utah may bring his talents to the Union Ballroom. "It's okay.fpr him to have these urges and more importantly BYHARRY JESTER 99H SABOTAGE OR SIMPLE MISTAKE? nfMC" I A POLITICS The Unity IV rocket misfire seemed like a simple mistake, or was it? rocket jointly built by ly a missile pointed at the LDS taging the "O" rings and the engineering students from the University of Utah, Utah State University and Weber State University was sabotaged by apostate Mormon Danites in the Brigham Young University engineering department. The BYU engineering students fear the rocket was actual-- 1 infections. To qualify for participation, you must:. years of age or older. Hcive at least one of me following symptoms: Burning or pain upon urination . "J" rings. (The "B, Y, and U" Church Office Building. rings remained surprisingly The rocket, dubbed the intact.) Unity IV, was scheduled for liftoff at 2:09 p.m. last Tuesday. However, the Danites' (a vigilante Mormon splinter group who use offensive means to destroy those who oppose the Mormon Church) took matters into their own hands by sabo- - We are looking for women to participate with us in a nationwide study of an investigational medication for the treatment of urinary tract (bladder) Be 16 to act on them. Keeping strong emotions like the desire to become a lounge-ac- t singer can "result in flawed judgment and dangerous outbursts," Mary Freud, chair of the U. psychology department, said. MI encourage President Smith to let his hair down, so to speak. It will make him a better president, and a better man," she continued. "I'll admit I was quite shocked when I heard through the grapevine about Smith. He was such a quiet president. He kept to himself a lot. But if dancing and singing gives him warm fuzzies, then it gives me warm fuzzies too," senior Pam Cakes said. I TUESDAY, Al HINCKLEY INSTITUT I ' Sources informed Danites that the U.'s laser-guide- " BYU d aiming system was linked to the January parachuting youths incident at the church offices Sources revealed the parachuttcrs actually planted a highly sensitive laser targeting device atop the building. "We feared for the church's future. We felt prompted to take action," P. . Ronnie Rockwell III, vigilante group leader, said. Salt Lake City Mayor Deedee Corradini's car was unfortu- nately hit when the "O and J" rings malfunctioned. Corradini was unharmed except for a flesh .wound caused by a wing mir-ror. Corradini was unavailable for More frequent than normal urination Lower abdominal pain . Urgency (a need to urinate immediately) Qualified volunteers will: Recieve free medical office visits and study medication AND be compensated for their participation. comment because her mouth was wired shut for no reason except torture, according to her ; Apparently the doctor was a shareholder in chief-of-staf-f. Bonneville Pacific. We can't say that we're sorry about hitting Dcedee's e car. Besides our Danite also all we are job, campaigning ' against the 2002 Olympics. We deal-w- ith basically got a full-tim- For more information, please call 596-969- 6 MEDICAL RESEARCH ASSOCIATES OF UTAH 265 East 100 South, Suite 255 Salt Lake Gly, UT two-for-o- y "Z ne .this missile, thing," Rockwell said. ...... BTERWINR. FLETCHER |