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Show 14 HILL TOP TIMES Thursday, July 3, 1986 ltd mmyj cassisfs pause support gjrup By SSgt. Victoria Raun Editor, Mach Meter Cannon AFB, N.M. Their husbands are serving unaccompanied tours in Alaska or Korea, but for four Cannon AFB wives, the real "remote" is right here. Recently, the women participated in a spouse support group sponsored by the Family Support Center. The group is for wives and husbands of military members who are serving on, or have orders for, unaccompanied tours. Each wife attending said she felt isolated since her husband left. Two of the wives had been contacted by someone from the husband's old units, but the others had not had any contact with the old units. Baby sitting and budget problems also contributed to their "remote" feelings. One wife said her husband's basic allowance for subsistence has been cut, because he uses a meal card at his base in Korea. However, even with the family separation allowance, costs have increased. "We're still paying all the bills. My food costs have gone down, but my husband needs money for clothes and entertainment too," she said. Suddenly being the only parent in the household was also stressful. Before the remote assignment the husbands were there to help with the children. Now, the children have only one parent to go to, and that parent gets no time off. The dovetailing of strengths and weaknesses that husbands and wives build into marriages is also missing. The wives are now responsible for getting cars serviced, helping their children study math, and other things their husbands took care of before. Dealing with base agencies has been a real problem for many wives. Renewing identification cards requires weeks of advance planning, since the military member's signature is required on the application form. Arranging for repairs in base quarters has been more complicated since the husbands left. Active Living duty people can usually take time off from work to be at home when repairs are made. One wife said she was putting off repairs because it would involve taking two days off work without pay. Ray Steward, the Family Support Center director who moderated the support group, feels that helping women deal with base agencies is his most important function for the group. "My role is obtaining information being a for people with problems and getting responses to their questions." Questions brought up at the meeting concerned go-betwe- en renewing identification cards, whether families could use temporary living quarters without the military member, and how to obtain school records before moving. Often, one of the other wives had already dealt with a certain situation and could provide information. Several women said the biggest benefit of the group is talking to the other members. "I was here 20 minutes early," one wife said. "We're all in this alone but we feel the same things. Women whose husbands are here don't understand. Unless you're in this situation, you don't think about it," another wife said. Early in the discussion several women found they had similar ways of coping. "Now my house is getting clean; I try to get busy," one said, and several women laughed in agreement. One woman said she now gets up at 5 a.m. and says her rosary daily. Ways of keeping in touch with their husbands were also discussed. "I write every night before I go to sleep. The letters every day are important to him," one woman said. "The only time I cry is when he's talking on the tapes (he sends) of how he misses me and the baby." Another wife added, "There are times he cries on the tapes." One woman said, "Sometimes my husband calls and is sad, then I know I have to be stronger, not to boost him up." just think of myself, but oftohow cheer up his wife backOne husband's attempts fired. In his first few letters, she explained, he would write, "I miss you all," referring to the entire family. The wife began to wonder if he loved her, or was she just there to take care of the children. She shared her feelings with him and now gets her own page in the letters. Another husband told his wife he didn't send personal notes to her because it hurt him too much to write them. His thought was echoed by the wife who said, "I don't know what's harder, thinking about them (their husbands) or not thinking about them." All agreed that the support group was the best thing that has happened since their husbands went away. One recommended that a spouse whose sponsor is about to go remote should "join now, not when he leaves." Services available here By Larry Dawson Family Support Center The Family Support Center at Hill AFB offers the following services to spouses of military members assigned to a remote tour: Solo Spouses: The group meets periodically for scheduled speakers and discussion. Members and also may call Family Services Center regarding volunteer positions as an outlet while spouses are away. They can be reached at Ext. 72301. Information: The Family Support Center acts as a focal point for any information, such as where to go for career training, advice on financial problems or educational programs. Related Support: The center houses the American Red Cross and Air Force Aid Society. For more information, call the Family Support Center at Ext. 74681 or drop by its offices in building 308. non-membe- rs through the remote military assignment By Chaplain (Maj.) Danny Armstrong Installation Chaplain Thule AB, Greenland fcamily ieffl behioid J Shock, denial, anger and bargaining. These are some of the stages you may go through upon learn- - ing of your remote assignment. You may recognize them as stages in the grief process. And grief it is, for grief is simply experiencing loss in this case the loss of a familiar way of life. Going remote means a radical change in Ufestyle, especially for married people with children. For a few, any assignment, even a remote, will mean escape from an intolerable situation and a chance for a fresh start. But for most, receiving notification of a remote tour sets off a grief-lik-e experience. For most people, this first stage is quite brief, lasting from a few seconds to a few hours, and soon changes to denial. Phrases like, "I can't believe this is happening," or "This just can't be true," are uttered as you struggle to cope with the new reality. Normally it is a matter of days before the remote assignment sinks into place where you can accept it. Abnormally, acceptance is never attained and poor adjustment results. Getting stuck in any of the stages is likely to lead to poor adjustment. If you find yourself stuck, I encourage you to talk with a counselor of your choice. Anger is normal for the first few weeks after receiving notification of your remote assignment. For some the anger is directed at themselves for having joined the military. For others, it's directed at the Air Force for being selfish, impersonal and inconsiderate. Sadness, and our ability to express our feelings, becomes a real hurdle as the time for departure draws closer. It's there, but we "keep it under control," which means we don't allow ourselves to express our sadness. It's easier to divert our attention to the 1,001 things that have to be done. A conspiracy of silence develops. Our friends, hurt; our spouse or lover J hurts; . our children hurt;, we hurt. u, . But we don't bring up the subject because we are afraid to taste the emotion called sadness. Remem- ber, however, that while some medicine tastes bad, it works wonders. Working through your feelings with the significant people of your life will bind you closer together than ever. I remember our last night together. We too had failed to talk much about our feelings. Then the dam broke. There we were, my wife and two children on one double bed, crying like babies. I am glad it eventually happened. It was therapeutic for all of us. I only wished we had talked about it earlier. Two other emotional experiences are common. One pertains to the remaining spouse. The other pertains to the departing military member. Panic is the only word to describe the feelings that often sweep over a spouse left behind. These feelings set in as the remaining weeks of togetherness dwindle and become strongest the first weeks of going, solo. The anxiety over the question, "How can I possibly do this alone?" begins to give way to the reality that another day has come and they're still alive and the world is going on. Rewarding personal growth takes place as insecurity is replaced with self-sufficienc- y. Disengagement is the best word to describe the process of letting go of what has been and anticipating what will be. For the departing military member, this is a psychological defense against the pain of leaving, coupled with a time of steeling oneself against the unknown. Ironically, this need for emotional detachment comes at the same time as the need for emotional expression of sadness. Perhaps this is part of the reason we are so torn up those last days prior to ..departurebecause we are pulled in so many differ-firit!jdirection- .'.. . ... .v.V, vis -- s. |