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Show Our Man Hoppe Landlord Resigns By ARTHUR HOPPE San Francisco Chronicle Scene: The Elysian Fields. The Landlord, looking a bit tired, is seated on his Heavenly Throne. His business agent, Mr. Gabriel, is standing my, record book in one hand, trumpet in the other. The Landlord: The Earth is more more trouble than any of the other planets. I shall easily teach them the error of their ways by some single awful visitation of my wrath. I know. (He shudders) I shall pollute pol-lute the waters from which they drink and bathe. Mr. Gabriel (shaking his head: Oh, they've already done that themselves, them-selves, Sir. The Landlord (surprised): They have? How odd. Well, then, I shall have to befoul the very air they breathe. A small foretaste of the fumes of hell should set them straight. Mr. Gabriel: I'm afraid, Sir, that they're very busy doing just that themselves. The Landlord (frowning): Then I shall invent new diseases with which to plague them. I seem to recall that worked well in the past. Mr. Gabriel: Frankly, Sir, there's nothing they've become more adept at than inventing new diseases Hardly a day goes by that ... The Landlord (thoughtfully): It seems most unfair, but I suppose I could visit the sins of the fathers upon the children. Mr. Gabriel: A well-established practice down there, Sir. They call it "race relations." The Landlord: Hmmm. Do you think wars and rumors of wars would do any good? Mr. Gabriel: I don't think they'd notice, Sir. The Landlord (sternly): They en too far. Blow, Gabriel! I shall rain fire and destruction from the skv upon their cities to teach them thai vengeance is mine. t Gabriel (hesitantly): Yes, Sir But i I think I should point out that i they're perfectly capable of doino that themselves. Indeed, if You rain ' death and destruction on one of their cities, they will immediately rain it on the others, seeking ven-geance ven-geance on each other. The Landlord: Good Me, Gabriel! Do you realize what you're saying' Gabriel., (reluctantly): ..Yes, Sir That's what I've been meaning to tell You: there's nothing we can do to them that they haven't already done to themselevs. The Landlord (with a sigh of defeat): de-feat): Well, Gabriel, at least we now know Who they think they are. |