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Show describes patterns of communication then the partner wants to get rid of the distraction. There is a real danger when distractions are used to avoid the confrontation seat or to avoid intimacy. Such actions can also pollute the distractions seat. "The goal should be to spend enough time in the love seat so that the spouse doesn't feel rejected by the distractions that are important to you," Chatelain said. "I believe a person ought to know when they can expect the next time in the love seat. It helps them handle the times in between." Let your spouse know that you want to be the most important person in their life. If the love seat is nurtured, people will seek it out, said Chatelain. "You need to protect that time." I don't believe in quality phone calls, he said, and doubling with other couples doesn't cut it they become our distractions. Then it- isn't the love seat anymore. The fourth seat, the "withdrawn seat," is the most powerful seat. The person who" cares the least is the one who defines and controls the relationship, he said. "In a withdrawn relationship, when each person is competing to care the least, the relationship goes downhill in a hurry." Don't coax the person out of the withdrawn seat, said Chatelain, as it . H The marital partner can be replaced in the love seat by someone else (lower right corner) when destructive pat- - ! (ems of communication enter a relationship. (Signpost i photos: Kristine Karpisek) reinforces the behavior. He suggested saying something like, "If you feel you need time to be upset and to think about it, fine. But, I would prefer to spend time in the love seat." Give the partner a choice, as the love seat must always be a choice. Another problem can arise when a partner is in the withdrawn seat too long. The love seat can be filled by someone else. 5 1 Chatelain invited a lady in the audience to come up and sit by him. "He then proceeded to tell her the problems he's having with Debbie. He stressed the point that the attraction to the lady is not sexual, then continued to confide in her. At this point, Debbie walked up and said, "What the heil are you doing?" Chatelain then turned to the other woman and said, "What did I tell you. She's always on my case." He then said to the audience, "Debbie is really in trouble now. She can't ugly me out of the love seat away from the other woman. "A person can use the children to replace the spouse in the love seat. " "You leave her alone. She's a sweet thing who was just trying to listen to me," Chatelain said to Debbie. Now Debbie is feeling really secondary, even "tenly or elevenly," he said. As you can see, the withdrawn seat can be very dangerous to the relationship. The love seat doesn't have to be filled by another woman, he said. A person can use a friend of the same sex, a hobby or the children to replace the spouse in the love seat. He invited two people from the audience to portray the children. One child goes with the mother, the other with the father to participate in their favorite distractions. This is an ugly spot for the children to be in, he said. One spouse will pit the child(ren) against the other spouse. You are forcing the children to choose sides. "The person who cares the least is the one who defines and controls therelationship." Another danger is that you are teaching your children patterns (dances) that they will use later in their married relationships. It is important that you feel your relationship with your spouse is your number one responsibility. You stay in the love seat when you can, as well as orchestrating the other responsibilities in your life. This provides the key to an ongoing successful relationship, he said. If you want to share this program with your partner, Chatelain suggested sharing these ideas with them in the love seat, preferably a real love seat. Beyond that, teach these ideas to your children so that they will have the basis for a good marriage relationship, he said. Teach them to value the love seat. "The love seat can be filled by someone else." |