OCR Text |
Show The Marital Dance' c Sheila Christensen Signature Editor Sitting with her husband in a Chinese restaurant, a wife looked out the window while she stirred her chow mein. "Faye said she'd pay me $100 a month to tend her baby," she said, directing her comment to her dish of food. Her husband gulped some water and spit the ice cubes back into his glass. "Gilbert said I have to make a presentation on Friday. I just can't seem to get into it." His eyes surveyed the ice in his glass. "We're making candles at' Relief Society tonight. The blue will match my kitchen curtains," she said between bites of chow mein. She looked as if she were talking to the napkin holder this time. Spitting more ice cubes into his glass, he said, "Joe wants me to play racquet-ball with him tomorrow night. I hate this extra 10 pounds I'm carrying around." He surveyed the ice cubes again. She picked up her egg roll, and looking intently at the contents, she said, "I wish I could make mine taste like these. Faye and I signed up for a cooking class. I figure I can pay for it with the money I get babysitting." "There's not enough almonds in the almond chicken. That car is acting up again. I don't want you driving it until I get those brakes looked at," he said as he poured water and ice into his glass. The scene is real. "There is no flowing of communication from self to self," said Dr. Randy Chatelain, professor of family studies at WSC. "It is kind of like two toddlers engaging in parallel play. "It is the type of scenario we see often. They are letting other things, distractions, get in the way and not spending quality time together in the love seat," he said. "Gradually the distractions become more important than working on the relationship." Chatelain developed a presentation he has entitled "The Marital Dance" from his work with over 1,000 couples. The presentation is based entirely upon his own work and observations. He has taught at WSC since obtaining a doctorate at Brigham Young University in marriage and family therapy. Active in the community, he spoke 54 times last year to church and civic groups on topics of stress, family relationships, communications, as well as "The Marital Dance." Recruiting volunteers from the audience to participate in the "The Marital Dance" demonstration at Monte Vista Elementary School in Farmington, he began his presentation by saying, "I consider myself a relationship doctor. In order to be a relationship doctor, you have to doctor both individuals as well as the relationship. "The dance describes patterns of relationships, and maybe we can show you a way out of destructive patterns and help you implement the patterns that work," Chatelain said. There are four steps in the dance, and Chatelain began to work through all four steps ... the first being the love seat. "The love seat is the reason why people relate. It is the companionship seat. People seek time to be with each other in this seat as it is where we build the relationship," said Chatelain. "In dating, most relationships are built around love seat time. We find couples plotting and planning how to spend time there. "Unfortunately, we find couples spending more time there during dating than they do after marriage," he said. "This seat should be a nice place to be the primary seat in the relationship." Chatelain sat down and put his arm around Debbie, the volunteer acting as his wife, and said, "Nice, isn't it? This seat makes you feel good." Sometimes there can be a conflict if one partner requires more time in the love seat than the other. He said, "Make some adjustments so that one partner does not feel either absorbed or deprived. The. love seat should be positive. "Most of us can tell when it's been too long since we've had time in the love seat," he said, "so we usually make arrangements to meet there." Chatelain then moved Debbie to another seat. He sat down, raised his finger and his voice, and said, "When you don't write down the checks and they come in the mail to me, it really messes up our account, AND YOU HAVE TO STOP DOING THAT." "But I really needed those things," Debbie responded. Chatelain asked the audience what seat Debbie was in. "The hot seat," someone yelled from the audience, and everyone laughed. Chatelain called it "the confrontation seat," and Debbie said it was an unpleasant seat to be in. "The love seat is (he reason why people relate. It is the companionship seat. " "This scat is generally destructive," said Chatelain, "and it's the one that is adversive to most people." Most people think at the rale of 300-400 words per minute. At that rate for 12 hours a day, you've written a 10,0(X)-page novel every two weeks, said Chatelain. "You have a chapter on how to do everything in your mind, from how to park the car lo how to raise the children, and it goes on and on and on. Confrontation results when I try to impose my novel on my partner." Some people believe when you approach marriage, if the partner really loves you, then the spouse should have an exact duplicate of your novel in their head. Chatelain said a common test in marriage is, "if you really love me, you would do what I was thinking without me having to tell you." "When you dont write down the checks and they come in the mail to me, it really messes up our account, AND YOU HAVE TO STOP DOING THA T. ' ' Chatelain then describes another scenario the distractions seat. He becomes absorbed in collecting and selling podiums, and Debbie in riding and selling bicycles. Resentment builds as one partner sees the other's distractions as competition. I)K. RANDY ( II VI LLAIN and volunteer. Hehhie. I roll" pluy the four steps to the "marital dance." Pictures from left to riht portray the love sent, the confrontation seat, the distractions seat and the withdrawal seat. "f .v critical how the partner perceives the other person 's distractions. It is critical how the partner perceives the other person's distractions. "If the partner believes you ate doing it because you have to, (hey will accept it. If they believe vou are doing it to avoid them. |