Show I Timely Topics o 5 I GLANDS In the unenlightened past It was assumed that we are ure responsible for our actions The man who set fire to an orphan asylum was misguidedly sent to prison The corrupt politician was sentenced to a term in tho the senate And the reader probably remembers how little boys of ot i tender years were rudely Inverted and subjected to acute and repeated dermal percussion Perhaps like the writer he was one of ot those who were persuaded to submit themselves with resignation to this mortifying experience under the theory that It was good for them It now appears too late alas that the theory was unscientific If for tor example th e reader tied his grandmas grandma's grandmas grandma's grandmas grandma's grand grand- mas ma's false teeth to the cat cat It was not due to any wicked Inclination Not at all alj It was due duo to his glands Against his better nature In spite of ot his seated deep-seated respect for his hla grandmother those glands compelled him I to misuse her teeth What he needed was not punishment punishment punish punish- punishment I ment but kindness and sympathy and a readjustment t of ot his glands A slight Infusion of ot thyroid might have done wonder with with The removal of ot his pineal gland might have made him an angel I We Ve now know that we wo are nothing more or less than what our glands have made us They are an interlockIng interlocking Interlock interlock- ing directorate that controls the market But we ea can n change our glands If It the writer had a larger thyroid he might have realized his boyhood dream of becoming a prizefighter If Henry Fords Ford's pituitaries had been tinkered tinkered tin tin- with he might have been an aesthetic dancer The possibilities opened up by this discovery ar are e fascinating The movie star need no longer divorce he her r husband A little manipulation of ot his glands and presto he he will be a different man Gentlemen who whose e faces face s have aroused the tho prejudices of ot the police can change their appearance so that their own mothers wouldn't wouldn t know them Roy Boy Gardner might become a sensitive an and d shrinking soul touchingly afraid of ot his wife Fat ladles ladies adie ds s I Ican can have haye their hearts heart's desire and be bo thin Thin ladles ladle s I can all be fat It will be a queer world People will be constantly Y making changes in themselves Our wives may sift a I little powdered essence of ot thymus gland Into our to tea Next morning morning- when look we Into our shaving mirror the tho face tace of ot a handsome stranger will confront us I li It t might break up the home Yes Yea Indeed Its It's a wonderful discovery I In the words word s of at Dr Sing Low celebrated Chinese herb specialist It i t is a gland world Oakland world Oakland I-Oakland Post Enquirer |