Show 1 i t f ir ft I i R r 4 Y r tt r t 7 r i t 1 a I r r BETH B EA UTI Fut t il w j heres here's going to be the happy tale of ofa l a homely bomely duckling which was hatched out into a cold coM and unsympathetic world destined to be shunned by hy mankind mankind but hut which at th the finis though not turning into no glorious white swan as the fairy fable went still found a roost In the heart of one who mU must t of preferred duck meat to swans cwan's down In other words its it's the story of me And I want to tell you right here at atthe atthe atthe the commencement that because you happened hap hap- to be born with a It Mary Pickford marcel marvel Kellerman contour and one of those skins kins you love to pet it dont don't mean youve you've went and took out a patent on romance Why if the Handsome Herberts and Lovely Lucys exclusive right to love Jove matrimony and all ensuing complications the human race would make the Greek gods look Jook like the United States Senate But however such aint the case Take me for example When at an early age I migrated to this terrestrial toll moll moil from that cool calm end and cloudy country where the soul sits ee fie rene waiting passage folks vowed I must of come steerage Neither parent was willing willIng will- will Ing log to assume open responsibility for my looks Tooke I was the ugliest infant that ever cracked a crib Kind Eind neighbors who tiptoed tiptoed tip tip- toed into view the calamity surmised I took after some Dutch uncle hitherto un unsuspected unsuspected un- un suspected great-grand great patent parent or other re remote remote re- re remote mote ancestor Judging from om my childhood childhood child child- hood tintypes the remote ancestors I took after was the kind that done their daily dozen in the tree tops I was little and brown and wizened In Ina a lees lets civilized age I would of been drowned at et birth They was two pretty kids on our block I remember remember all all starch they was and curls Neighbors used to look significant at their mamma and say in a penetrating soda voice I 1 tell you Mrs theres there's going to be bo broken hearts aplenty when they grow up I It used to make me sizzle me-sizzle sizzle the way they emphasized the they And it wasn't till I was most 14 14 skinny and tall I was with stringy black blackhair blackhair blackhair hair that would make a Hopi Injun look like one of them bathing beauties it beauties it wasn't till then that I found an alibi for my home home- liness It crept in on me one day as I was sitting eitting on the back fence Them two Kas Kas- was going to their first party with party with boys I hated em em all of em The boys too All right said I to myself fierce All Allright Allright Allright right Let em be pretty and have fluffy clothes and go out with men in long Jong pants I got a soul Thus at the age of 22 22 merely an Orphaned or orphaned orphaned Or- Or working girl alone in hi the great city romance had give me the detour I never had bad a sweetie never held hands in the movies never been kissed Hey wait a minute r Im I'm forgetting the time when I Iwas Iwas Iwas was 12 and Johnny somebody down the block dabbed a reluctant on my surprised cheek bone Found out afterward hed he'd been playing some kind of a game with the boys and was wa give the choice of drinking drinking drinking drink drink- ing down thirteen live ants in a glass of water or ki kissing hissing ing Lizzie Hinkleman And be he took a long time deciding I IM I'M I TELLI TELLING G you all this not because Im I'm keen on throwing bricks at myself but merely to show you the kind of a jane IWas Iwas I Iwas was when I dragged home to my attic palace that hat misty evening and answered the landlady's landlady's landlady's land land- ladys lady's tinkle tube Hello come a cool young masculine voice nice crisp without being curt is js this Pennsylvania blank blank w Sorry youve you've grabbed the wrong number number num num- ber I informed him pleasant This is Chelsea blank blank He ne laughed like Jike a kid Say central must be something of an alchemist he told me transforming Pennsylvania into Chelsea Chelsea Chel Chel- sea ea like that How do they do it Yeh I returned snappy Them hello Helens usually is pretty good mixers I know because I U used ed to be one of em my- my self elf Really he be exclaimed interested And did you always get the right number f for r your Jour anxious patrons When I didn't I chuc chuckled led I give em m just as good In that case be he complimented I owe this particular operator a vote of enduring thanks Youve You've made me m me smile tonight and that's more than I thought anybody could do the matter Blue I asked not lIot realizing I might be getting too chummy with an absolute stranger His voice made It ft seem just sort of ot natural to be talking with him like that t e Blue as bluing he come back rue rue- ful But Dut I mustn't inflict it on you all right And anyhow I kidded him dont you rou know blues blue's the prettiest color going Theres There's the bluebird bluebird bluebird blue blue- bird for happiness and and and- did and lid did you notice how blue the skies was today No Xo he said all the life his YO oice Ice i Well they was I insisted And toIght tonight to to- tonight night Ight they're better still Which way does dots your Tour our window face lace West Yest I guess Then look out just for a minute and end watch evening come pouring into the sky Aint that pretty And notice that little gold bar pin the sun forgot to take with him Gaze upon that and be indigo l I IlIe llie lIe He was silent for a n minute Then he said cald Im afraid Ive I've taken liberties Thanks for trying to cheer me up Iwonder Iwon I wonder Vonder won Von der if central will give Ive me my number He rung off kind of abrupt I thought But I guess it was my fault making g so free with him And yet I couldn't help thinking about him some more that night Next evening I excavated myself from the subway as usual shook off the maddening maddening maddening mad mad- dening crowd and paused in the cooler upper airs to take inventory of damage did Nothing missing and all parts pats assembled assembled as na as should bould be be so I wended my weary way home I had ascended to the tho third flight only breaking up two crap lImel and a petting party which was being held on the landings when the phone buzzed in the basement I turned retraced snapped off the receiver and helloed Is this Chelsea blank blank came a voice made my my heart gallop Say you yon got the wrong number I laughed feeling warm and reckless and gay What youre you're after Is Pennsylvania blank blank I still maintain that I have w what at I want Er what Er-what what sort sort of ot jewelry did the sun leave behind him this evening A pearl necklace I answered soft Boft pearls Mother o Iother pearls they is all alt washed sea and tinted with rainbows Look at em strung across the sky I suppose you JOU mean mun clouds he be said You You have a great imagination Miss Fanciful Fan Fan- You see things that I never could be a pretty dull world I guess guess guess' returned I if folks didn't use the spectacles spectacles spec spec- spectacles of imagination What made you call caIl me up again gain Perhaps because I thought you might fix me up with a pair of those spectacles Hey I aint no optimist I 1 I retorted snappy H HE E roared That made me mad Dear me I simpered cool as a blade of grass in the morning dew Im so ISO sorry and all that about breaking up your little entertainment so sudden but butI I got to say adoo adoor Th The The boys boys is waiting waltin for me Youre going out tonight he asked wistful To a dance maybe pronounced it I returned After supper at the Palais well we'll probably trickle into the Chinaman's and wrestle a a while to music Sounds interesting he said I bet youre you're mighty popular Well I lied I dont don't exactly liv livin live in solitary cont confinement I ement Youre pretty too he continued I X know that by your jour voice Say what do you look like Ive I've been conjuring up pictures pictures pic pic- tures of you and and and- What do you think I look like I asked daring Well he said slow I think of you yon yonas yon yonas as little and plump and dark with big eyes that sparkle like me your speech and a dimple in your chin Am I right Dimple in my chin What do you know Anybody accusing Liz Hinkleman of that Wow if that ont don't beat the eels eel's elbows Id I'd like to know what does Captain Kidder I come back coy and with sudden deviltry somebody must of mailed you my portrait Then Ive I've hit it Like Dempsey once did Louis Angel Hurrah he enthused Dreams do come true Why l have ave you been dreaming Ever since I heard your voice Well I retorted dry if my gentle put you to sleep a quartet of lions ought to sound like mammas mamma's lullaby I didn't say you put me to sleep h hit he refuted Theres such a thing as day dreaming isn't there His voice was light and careless yet kind of wistful underneath underneath underneath under under- neath like the soft sob of a base viol in inan inan inan an orchestra of saxophones We didn't say nothing for a minute Both Doth of us was stumped Then he broke out gay with Now dont don't you think its it's tipsy tim you told me your name little Miss Elusive n you do with my name I growled Id say it over a million times I laughed I couldn't cO help it The idea of this refined and esthetic Reginald as I knew he be was repeating the romantic of Lizzie Hinkleman even a few thousand times over tickled me like a snowstorm of goose feathers Well Vell I answered aint there aint no special reason for withholding it it Its It's Its It's Beth Deth I like that t he said Beth what what Plain Beths Beth's enough I snapped Longfellow himself couldn't of made nothing poetic out of Hinkleman so what was the use of me trying You ought t t to be thankful Im I'm willing to let you term me by my commencing cognomen without asking for no more I resumed Now v what's what yours They call caU me Harry he sighed Who does i HE paused thoughtful Now vow that I come to think of it it nobody does The janitress the milkman and my creditors still possess sufficient respect for my person person per per- son lIOn to warrant the dignified use of my sur sur- name And as there isn't any anyone one elset else else- else v t Gee no wonder youre you're blue I bust out impulsive Im not now not now he denied significant But Im I'm afraid Im I'm keeping you jou from some engagement Guess Id I'd better better call it ita ita ita a day And tomorrow can I phone you youat youat at the same time just to tell you a bit of news If its it's good news I agreed Im hoping it will b be be Beth Beth Deth Beautiful Do you mind if It I call caU you that Tomorrow then Good Goodby Did I mind if fl he called me that Say I bet het I echoed it to myself moren a mIllion million mullion mil mul- lion times I even went to sleep with it whispering back tack at me from the pillow and woke up in the thc morning with it singing Hinging in my ears like a roomful of canaries Beth Deth Beautiful Now ow where was old Liz Hinkleman Hinkleman Hin- Hin kleman She's like a last years year's snake skin akin reeled Peeled like a D. water blister Beth- Beth Beth Deth Beautiful All AU day doy down do to the store where I circulate circulate circulate cir cir- cir cir- amongst the basement hardware hard wrapping up lawn mowers and scattering grass grail seed to weary commuters I kept thinking of it St And somehow the noise and hotness hotness' and and bad temper of the joint seemed to melt away like a a snowdrop on ona a Broadway sidewalk I even grinned when that darn fresh little cash h boy called m me handsome and asked facetious where here was the cup I cornered the evening previous down to the Beauty Show Let em holler I Three more hours hour and WHERE HERE does romance bloom Wherever Where hearts are young and questing and whenever whenever whenever when when- ever dreams come creeping into the workaday world and so the ugly duckling fo found nd orientation in love r s v ot ll Hf i J j I A tip 1 S V I i r S I II I r ff f- r i Y A t i 1 t a R r r V i J Jt t G t He rea reached c h ed out oui h. h his IS S hands t tc to 0 me groping un Dear ear ir r t little Beth eth Jet Jete me e find you 1 v iT ff ft t n 1 A be warming the wires with tender tender tender ten ten- der terms that would make Helen off oti Troy feel she hadn't heard nothing yet fertilizers fertilizer's two dollars the sack from the very best bone Head Heads em all No sir air I did not call you no bonehead Im I'm sorry sorry sorry- Three hours more morel 1 Finally it come that long delicious ring that tinkled like the train bells for para pau dise We talked a long while this time being interrupted only by the Goldens' Goldens phonograph phonograph phonograph graph Sam evening sonata and the landlady's new kid which was kicking Licking kicking kick kick- ing up more nore fuss over his fir first t tooth than thana a veteran of 90 over his last Central too done her bit by cutting us off oil twice like an irate parent And say Im I'm informing inform inform- informing ing you operator is one dandy title for them whose chief occupation is di dissecting dis setting discourse and mutilating monologue I know because I been one Well We Harry and what's what the news you was going to spill me I urged after we had raved about the sunset And it was wu some sunset too Pale green the skies was like South Sea Seawater Seawater Seawater water and when you looked up and up upI I into em at the little pearly pink clouds p piled led one on to another it give you the notion you was gazing down instead of up down down at coral reefs on the bottom of ot the sea Leastways that was the description I handed banded Harry An And he agreed with meDo meDo meDo me Do you really want to hear the hews bews asked Harry eager Walt a D. minute then iH j i l' l H HE E LEFT the phone I heard the scraping scraping scrap scrap- scraping ing of a chair a little ways ays off and the wires Ires burred vicious Then come the sound of a piano faint and far and yet let so clear It It was as a piece Id I'd never ne beard heard before apice a api apiece pi piece pice ce that made me want to dance though you joU Ou couldn't of called it jazzy One minute it twinkled like the sparkle of sun on the ocean The next it teased like the wind does a new v straw hat Then it t slowed down mischievous but stately like the th th marching of kids play playing In soldier There come Harrys Harry's voice earnest rnest and trembly what do you think of it Oh Ob Harry I I said laid Its so pretty Why aint I heard It before belore Nobody body heard it until today he answered answered an an- so pleated pleased his voice stumbled Then you wrote it I marveled brilliance bril liance beaming into my bean beau Harry Harry you wrote it Guilty he admitted and if the phone had been a telescope I bet I would of spotted a n grin on his face After that he lie played to me every eve ere ning Talk about the radio Well there may be music in the air but it wasn't like Harrys Sometimes I wondered why wIlY Harry didn't ever ever make no suggestion about coming to see iee me DIe or dragging dragging- me to a 4 show or some some- thing Naturally I wouldn't of ot let him It'd be worse than the country rube who ambled into a swell city cafe care and ordered lJJ 1 r i Ij f q W Lancaster pie only to find out it was wa hash Nope I intended being eing little Beth Deth Beautiful I ful to the last sad reel Come a day when he didn't call me up It was Sunday afternoon and he always give me a r ring ng at 3 Say I hung around Ma l parlor like a spider waiting waiting wait wait- ing for a fly but every time the phone fizzed it was for somebody else Gosh oh ob gosh Had he gone and got killed Or maybe he was only tied up some someplace someplace someplace place in a traffic tangle How about it thou though h if he just plain |