Show THE T REJECTIONS Of oi A KNOCKER l J I On o Old Age qa and oa Chloroform BY y JOHN J HN KENDRICK BANGS TELL you what it is my m boy bo the awl world is moving movIn after I all aU said the Knocker I Impressively as ash a s he h e turned from his news newspaper newspaper paper to his We Vc are at last producing a class of men n in the world who are not afraid to express their convictions no mat matter matter matter ter how shocking these may be he to con conventional vf minds I was tickled to death some weeks ago when George eorge Meredith came ame out with his advocacy of short term matrimony and by Jove JOc theres theresA A chap named Osler Osier down at Johns Hopkins university now who I I afraid to say that a man any I II rood lood after atter 40 and ought to be chloro chloroformed chloroformed formed at 60 There are two nails that have been hit squarely on the head hood ind I who have all my life despaired d d of Df finding anything worth while in this ale tale of or tears teare am really beginning to tobe tobe tobe be hopeful Humph ejaculated taking nose out of his glass for a moment Keep on and be the something grew un under r the sun You want to watch out nut Knocker or the Greatest Show on onEarth Earth will trill catch you and put you in ind d tt cage caSe as the greatest freak fleak of or all ages the Hopeful Knocker All AU right said the Knocker Id rd rather turn an honest penny by b exhibiting exhibiting 1 myself m self as a freak than sneak a million out of the stockings of the wid widows widows widows and orphans of the land by turn turnIng turnIng turning Ing frenzied financier Its better to be behind the bars oars of a circus cage actu actually actually ally than to be forever threatened with those penitentiary As between a R bald eagle and a jailbird Ill be the thebold bold bay eagle every time But Im not the proposition this time Its the fris frs frisky frisky ky and what shall be bo done with Ith him that we are discussing this morning and Professor Osler Osier has got the thing down pat Chloroform em emsa says sa 8 he and your friend George W V Knocker Is with him on that point heart beart anti and soul Its a shocking suggestion said who despite a certain youth youthful ful fu aspect Is verging on 62 Its It like all other vital suggestions In that respect said the Knocker But if it only think about the thing and get at its good points you sou wont think so badly bady of it To begin with putting the old men out of the theay v ray ay will give the young younS men a chance The old men have had theirs If th yve made the most of it they ought to be satisfied If they they the I I ought to get off the track and let somebody else in on it What Is it keeps keps the young lieutenants and cap captains captains and majors and colonels in the army down Its the 60 earold gen generals generas eras rals Who keeps the midshipmen waiting for their oak leaves le ves Its the I rear admirals that do it They q got up to the top and they ought ou ht to be satisfied to make room for tor others Bothers They ought ou ht to be tired enough by that time to give up hats the good of being a rear admiral at 60 anyhow You cant enjoy enjo it half so much as aa you would at 35 3 when youre oure still young and skittish with a diges digestion digestion digestion tion able to cope with a chafing dish at ot its worst and a head capable of f as many man quarts of or bub bubbles bubbles bubbles bles or and soda as youve a mind to insert in your face the hardship of It all All the rich rewards of f the service come to a chap who is too old to need dignity and too feeble 4 to 10 kick up his heels and enjoy them style Then old men are such in infernal I fernal nuisances with the things they the think they remember too and their gassy Kassy method of telling you about em emIf emIf emIf If you happen p say its raining pretty pr hard today some old sexagenarian wm twill crop rop up and tell teU you a n ord se serial serIal serial rial story stor about how much wetter the rain used to be back In 49 how It came not In bucketsful but In car carloads carloads loads how a cousin of his Ilis uncles first stepsister had a baby that was drowned by br a single raindrop the nurse having haIng carelessly left little Wil Willie Willie Willie lie outdoors over r night If you happen to express your belief that Theodore Roosevelt Is a great man your tooth toothless toothless less t SS old man will pop back at you with u a eulogy of Old Tippecanoe and Tyler too just as if It possible for forthe forthe forthe the country to have three great men In Inthe Inthe inthe the course of years ears Your You j M matinee idol today your our aged as Po onius will wm tell ten you ou worth shucks com corn compared compared pared Jared to old Bill McCullough or Tom I Dick Tick or Harry Macready or Edmund who used to take Shakespeare by the ears back In 53 and toss him around like a lot of eggs in the hands of a juggler Modern pie is a vain aln thing compared to the doughnuts of 55 ap appendicitis appendicitis of 1905 is a cheap skate of oft r t disease alongside of the antebellum gripes that enjoyed enjo ed hi in his youth ice ke cream these days half as cold coW colds as s 5 it was In 1842 1543 and compared to the Mexican war this 3 1 rumpus urn pus is a n 5 tea After Arter youve had a few cycles c cles of talk like that your our sympathy for the old man takes on a ai i hue hu and If youre only half human hu hunan hunan nan man be excused for reaching out for the chloroform bottle i You forget forg t my dear Knocker said th the horrified d that old age and find wisdom go together to ether an exploded idea Wisdom goes first retorted the Knocker Who ho goes to age age for advice nowa nowadays nowadays nowadays days About all the serious mistakes of the time are lIre those which age brings on Its youth that knows it all 01 Ask the president if that so 51 Age i with jUt its experience Is afraid to plunge into even een a n sure thing and this is the thena thera na era ra of plunging What used to b be eon on caution is now regarded as tim timidity timidity idi Age waits for lor business youth youths joes s oeM oes out on the highway and grabs gra It by the throat sandbags It does any anything un anything thing It can un f tt get it Age A e potters and und dawdles while youth exceeds the speed I getting there ther Then too In a areat great reat many ma instances think how much I better it would be for the old men themselves to be shoved off of Into space before failure comes How much han haR ha pier and better the world would be if Ie I the minute te a man got Sot to the zenith of Jus lis career er he could b snuffed out be before ore fore he begins coasting down on the theother other side on to the shoals of disaster n t r shipwreck and ruin What fun fUlt is i there for the old man when he h realizes that he s through with success and must de devote vote ote the deh r off on his Ills to x Jt I constant struggle to maintain the position position position tion he has won and an keep keel what he bas lias got By B thunder if wore were w ere as wise as you say he is if h II hid d root for Dr Osiers proposition just as much us is IS I do and a large proportion of him w oud not only welcome the chloroform but tout would send down to the drug store and tell em to hurry it up No sir the he t Old Man must go Hes no longer the b of the nation When he writes poetry it has gout In every evel foot when he writes novels noels they are drop with words and anaemic In Ini i thoughts when he goes into high flu fin finance It ance ance younger men mt n snatch h him bald headed and hold him up to scorn in the magazines when he tries to organize anything it turns out to be a aHot aHot Hot Air Trust or a n Ship Combine that lusts l the minute you prod It with your our little linger finger when he goes into the pulpit it and preaches his eyesight is s so o dim he cant see the end of ohis his dis discourse discourse course ourse drones on forever when he makes an after dinner speech it Is mull of the jokes joltes that made Adam laugh and filled the soul of Jeremiah with withA A lamentations Butto chloroform him dried aried Mr That seems so brutal brutI Well perhaps It is Std said the Knocker nc But Its gentler g nUr than th na a and KInder than drowning JJ By B the way suggested Mr tr r Redi nic Vi i 7 race face his face lighting up triumphantly You forget that the average age of the United States senate is over 60 By Jow Jo said aid the Knocker slap slapping slapping slapping ping his knee vigorously so I did guess Professor Osler Osier did too Funny Funn how we forget the most popular argument argument ment nent of ot all In sustaining a proposition With the senate In mind by thunder 1 dont believe even ev n Theodore Roosevelt Roose Roosevelt velt would dare veto a bill to provide that body bod with enough chloroform to todo too todo do o the job with neatness and dispatch Copyright Cop right 1903 1905 by b K H Holmes |