OCR Text |
Show KO.UAL TO MARK TWAIN. Newspaper writers will appreciate the following, winch we lake 1'rouj the Philadelphia Dispatch : A week or two ago one of our reporters re-porters had occasion to refer to a certain woman, whom wo will call Hannah Smith, as a denizen of the 11th ward. A day or two afterward a huge man entered the office with hiB brow clothed with thunder. In his hand he carried a fearful club, and at bis side trotted a bull dog, whom hunger had evidently made desperate. With that quick appreciation of the situation which is creditable to the superior intelligence of educated men, tho editor of this paper and the proprietors pro-prietors darted to the window, climbed outside, slid down tho lightning rod, and went across the street to watch the bloody fray through a spy-glass. With the iearlessness of conscious innocence we sat still, merely inserting our legs in two sections of stovepipe to guard against any misapprehension of facts on the part of tbo bull dog. The man with the club approached. j "Are you the editor?" ho asked, spitting on his hand and grasping his club. Wo told him that the editor was out; that he had gone to the North Pole with captain Hall, and ' that he would not return before 1876, in time for the centennial celebration. "Are you the proprietor?" asked the man. We explained to him that we were not; that the proprietors were also out; that they had gone to South America for the purpose of investigating the curative properties of condurango, and i they expected lo be there for several j. years. "Well, whoever you are," exclaimed i the warrior, "my name is Smith I" j We told him wo were glad; because, j if there was one thing better than the ! possession of the name of Smith, it was the privilege of knowing a man of that ; name. "But Smith," we said, "why this battle array? It is absurd for a : man to put on the panoply of war, and frisk into editors'1 sanctums fumbling a olub and accompanied by a disheartening dishearten-ing bulldog, simply because hia name happens to be Smith." lie said he called in to burst the head of the man who had insulted his i sister. "It is impossible, Smith, that such i a thing could have been done by any ! ono in this office." ! "Is it? But it was, though; and her name was published, too ! Miss Smith j Miss Ilanner Smith I" "May we bo permitted to inquire, Mr. Smith, what was the precise char-! char-! acter of the affront offered to Han-I Han-I nilb?" j "Well, you see," said Smith, "the j blackguard said she was a denizen. And I want you to understand," ex-I ex-I claimed Smith, becoming excited, and ! brandishing his club in a wild manner over our head, whilo the bulldog advanced ad-vanced and commenced to sniff up and down our stovepipe "I want you to understand that she is a decent young woman, with a good character, and ; none of your denizens and such truck. The man who says she is a deflizen is a blackguard and thief, and I'll smash him over the nose if J get a chance. They may say what they please about me, but the man who abuses my sister has got to suffer." And Smith struck ; the tab!e"io a violent manner with his j cl ub, whilo the bulldog put his fore-legs up on the back of our ohair. We pacified Smith with a dictionary, j Wejiointed out to that warrior that the vVebsterian definition of the word "denizen" gives suoh x person an unoffending un-offending character, and deprives the term of anything like reproach. Smith said that he was satisfied, and he shook hands and kicked the bull-dog down stairs. 'The editor and proprietor, proprie-tor, seeing that all was safe, immediately immedi-ately climbed the lightning rod and soon appeared at the window, where they were introduced to Smith, with the remark that they had returned from the North Pole and the clime of the condurango somewhat unexpectedly, unexpect-edly, in order to surprise their relations. rela-tions. And now we suppose Smith will he mad because we havej told tho story about him, and ho will be coming down to intcryiew us again,, in war's magnificently stern array, with a iresh bull-dog. But it will be in vain. We have rented an office in tho top of a shot tower, and have planted torpedoes torpe-does and spring guns all the way up the stairs. We warn this incendiary Smith to beware. |