Show FUN FOR THE F FOURTH I t I Fireworks for the Day We Cel I brate I RHYMES YARNS AND JOKELET Mr John KendrIck Banes Presents a Palatal Stew of Wisdom Patriotism and Fun It is not known where mho thermometi stood on the Fourth of July 1776 but it is an historical fact that John Bull and the Ai glomaniacs found this country pretty hon < h-on the day in question a Base ball in its present perfect form has come into being only lately but along about 1TSO Uncle Sam made a base hit and Johnny Bull scored ono of the most luminous lumi-nous home runs on record He wasnt an idiot only tho dude son of ian i-an Anglomaniac He had heard of shooting fire crackers but he didnt know how tbey did it He put his pack as a target and tried to shoot them with his bow and arrow I ar-row It was very English but not entire successful and now he wonders why th6 neighbors daughters giggle as they pass by They say George III was Imbecile A regular royal gilly Twas Washington prepared the pill That knocked his Jiglets silly S a It Is a curious fact that the best flags for sidewalks are made of freo stone This is only natural since in this country they have to be AmerIcan flags Lamb is the poet of Spring Crabbe poet of early Summer but for July Fourt thore is none so prominent as Burns This joke is copyrighted a S Gooree Washington couldnt help making a noise in the world He was the Poppe of his Country a a A STATE TALK DRAMATIS PERSOXE George III Lord North SCENE The Throne room Buckingham palace George I say North there is one gallin feature about this Declaration of Independence Inde-pendence NorthThere are several Your Majesty but to which do you refer George To think that our great language should be used in framing such a document North Yes Your Majesty It does seen like sticking out ones tongue at ones self I think we might fix the matter to please Your Majesty however GeorgeIn what way North We might have it translated Into < French GeorgeThat would but be begging the question I have a scheme that it far better bet-ter North And what GeorgeLets talk about the weathers u s t t t2 M L HISTORICAL COLLOQUY a a AX HISTORICAL COLLOQUY The Russian Bear Whats the matter I Leo Your whiskers are all singed and I four tail looks liko acatonino tails The British LionI got fooling with the American Eagles fireworks Thats all a a AT THE INDEPENDENCE BALL Miss Hollyhock Just look at that Miss Barrows her face is covered with powder Mr PlunkettIn honor of the day I presume pre-sume a a AT THE LODGE Meeker Where Bronson tonight Stivers Home Meeker Isnt he coming StiversNo Hes got to have his face amputated Put a firecracker in his mouth thinking it was a cigar Lit it Usual result re-sult i a a HE KNEW Orator of the DayIt is a glorious event vo celebrate Do you know that Why ire you here today do you know Boy in the AUdienceYes we thought you wasnt coming a a A GRAND DAT Mr OTooleOi tell yez The Falrth av Fulu is th crate daa Schneider Schneider Yah The hat reason to be iroudt obf Chorch Yashin ton 1 I M Pierrot Oui Oui I am vaire irrrroud to be ze Americans Sig FrikiSi Eet is da fine ting Even da monkho lika da con tree Ch Monkey Wee wee a a A CHEAT DAY MawsonHello Potthtar Did you celebrate cele-brate the Fourth PotthtarYes Began with an explosion at breakfast because tho coffee was cold I Jot blown up by my wife for burning a hole in the parlor carpet in the afternoon and in the evening the gardener got drunk and I had to get out my fireworks to put him out a a it THE PRIDE OF TOUTU First Boy We had an elegant time on tbo Fourth My papa burnt his eyebrows off Second Boy Pshaw Thats nothing ly papas louse got burned don nand aero wasnt no insuranceonly a mort g age a a L b 0 AX INTENSE PATRIOT a a AN INTENSE PARTIOT 1I My boy said Mr Higgins the emi nent patriot to his son on the eve of Independence Inde-pendence day tomorrow is the Fourth of Jub Do you know what that means Yes sir returned the boy The Fourth of July was the day in 1492 when homas Jefferson discovered the United States With the exception of certain trivial in xuracies my son resumed Mr Higgins you arc perfectly correct and were I your structor instead of occupying the wholly ibordinatn post of paternal parent I could mark you two out of a possible ten and request you to remain with me aa hour I rv a + c 4 y o or two longer at the close of the usual scholastic exercises But to return to our muttons are you aware that it is the habit of the truly good and patriotic citizen of this glorious republic to celebrate this great day In our history with befitting ceremony 1 have so heard father returned the lad cheerfully Indeed I have heard my grandfather who as you are aware is reckoned the oldest inhabitant of our beautiful beau-tiful little village 1 have heard him tell of the way they used to celebrate the Fourth of July when ho was a boy in 1790 how they would rise at dawn and salute the name of the presiaent cf the United States with a salvo of putty blowers how later in the day they would burn the figure of William the Conquerer In effigy feeding the names with sundry barns and tool houses as it happened to bo convenient and how when evening came they would gather at the village grocery and set off giant crackers beneath each others chairs I white grandma who was at that time a young unmarried woman played Yankee Doodle and White Wings upon the harp over by the sand bin in which her father tho procer kept his sugar Exactly my dear little son You are wise beyond your eight years and I think I shall ask your mother if YOU are a good boy to give you ten grains of quinine before be-fore you go to your dreams tonight But 1 see that you understand something of the possibilities of tbe day that is soon to dawn Here I I 7 J z I f lr dAr m THE PRIDE OP THE FOURTH And at this point Mr Higgins put his hand deep down into his pocket drew forth a bright silver dollar Here he repeated is a dollar for you and I wish to expend it in showing to tho world that I have inculcated the principles of patriotism patriot-ism into your system that the capsules of instruction that you are daily swallowing contain THE GERM oj PATRIOTISM which will some day make of you a citizen of whom his country may well be proud I Take this dollar and remember that I expect ex-pect you to use it wisely I allow you to whoop and Sell as much as you possibly can all through the day I shall feel hurt if when night comes and nature covers the earth with its inky pall your fingers are not done to a turn and your eyebrows gone beyond peradventure indeed my son I may as well bo plain If I find tomorrow night that you need less than a quart of azalea to sooth your weary fingers I shall feel that you have not obeyed my instructions instruc-tions and on tho morning of July 5 shall chastise you within an ell of your exist anceHere the father paused and the son prom ised that it should happen as he desired and taking the dollar left the room In a moment the father called the lad once more to him and said Jamesey do you know the new barn that Mr Tompkins Tomp-kins has placed in the west yard so that it Interferes with our view of the parade ground 1 Yes father Well remember to be very careful with jour crackers and powder when near our neighbors property It might catch fire you know Yes father And is that all Yes Kiss me goodnight ander by the way Jamesey if Mr Tompkins barn should burn down do not be afraid to ell me I shall not scold you and children should honor and not fear their parents Goodnight And tbe pair parted Mr Higgins was filled with regret later to learn that Mr Tompkins barn was net nsured JOHN KENDRICK BANGS |