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Show B16 The FAMILY PAGE Castle Valley Review, March 2009 Teenagers Use Power as Means to Gain Respect Among Peers Dr. James Dobson Focus on the Family Q A Explain in greater detail the role of power in the life of a teenager. Let's begin with a definition. Power is the ability to control others, to control our circumstances, and especially, to control ourselves. The lust for it lies deep within the human spirit. We all want to be the boss, and that impulse begins very early in life. Studies show that one-day-old infants actually reach for control of the adults around them. Even at that tender age, they behave in ways designed to get their guardians to meet their needs. The desire for power is evident when a toddler runs from his mother in a supermarket or when a ten-year-old refuses to do his or her homework or when a husband and wife fight over money. We see it when an elderly woman refuses to move to a nursing home. The common thread between these and a thousand other examples is the passion to run our own lives -- and everything else, if given the chance. People vary in the intensity of this urge, but it seems to motivate all of us to one degree or another. Now, what about your sons and daughters? Have you wondered why they come home from school in such a terrible mood? Have you asked them why they are so jumpy and irritable through the evening? Perhaps they are unable to describe their feelings to you, but they may have engaged in a form of combat all day. Even if they haven't had to fight with their fists, it is likely that they are embroiled in a highly competitive, openly hostile environment where emotional danger lurks on every side. Am I overstating the case? Yes, for the kid who is coping well. But for the powerless young man and woman, I haven't begun to tell their stories. That's why they are nervous wrecks on the first day of school or before the team plays its initial game or any other time when their power base is on the line. The raw nerve, you see, is not really dominance but self-worth. One's sense of value is dependent on peer acceptance at that age, and that is why the group holds such enormous influence over the individual. If he or she is mocked, disrespected, ridiculed and excluded -- in other words, if that individual is stripped of power -- he or she feels it deeply. What do you think about snooping through my son's room to see what he might be doing? Do you think parents should do that? There are definitely times when mothers and fathers need to conduct their own quiet investigation, even though it might invade the privacy of the teenager. This issue was discussed widely Q A Astro Advice Monthly Eugenia Last ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don't leave others in a position to make assumptions. Be clear about what you want and you can avoid ending up with the short end of the stick. Focus on budget, health and discussions that will lead to prosperity. Say what's on your mind. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Rely on your wit, charm and ability to find solutions and you will dazzle the people who can help you the most. As long as you keep things simple, no one will question your terms or your method of doing things. The sky is the limit. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Be careful what you wish for. Being too vocal will alienate you in the media some years ago when comedian Carol Burnett discovered that her teenage daughter was a drug user. When the problem finally came to light, Carol was regretful that she hadn't taken steps to inform herself of what was going on. She appeared on many talk shows to say, in effect, that kids desperately need their parents to "catch them" in a moment like that. Don't let your respect for their privacy cause you to stick your head in the sand and fail to notice what is going on right in front of you. I strongly agree. Of course, parents have to know their children, too. There are some who would never do anything illegal or harmful. It's just not in them. In those cases, I would not recommend snooping through their room and private stuff. But in situations where a secretive boy or girl is doing suspicious things, running with the wrong crowd, and then demanding utter privacy at home, I would gather whatever information I needed in order to know how to respond. My 16-year-old daughter is driving me crazy. She is sassy, noisy and selfish. Her room looks like a pigpen and she won't work any harder in school than absolutely necessary to get by. Everything I taught her, from manners to faith, seems to have sailed through her ears. What in the world do my husband and I do now? I'm going to offer you some patented advice that may not make sense or seem responsive to the problem you've described. But stay with me. The most important thing you can do for your daughter is to "just get her through it." The concept is a bit obscure so let me make an effort to explain it. Imagine your daughter riding in a small canoe called "Puberty" on the Adolescent River. She soon comes to a turbulent stretch of whitewater that rocks her little boat violently. There is a very real danger that she will capsize and drown. Even if she survives today's rapids, she will certainly be caught in swirling currents downstream and plunge over the falls. That is the apprehension harbored by millions of parents with kids bouncing along on the wild river. It's the falls that worry them most. Actually, the typical journey down the river is much safer than believed. Instead of the water becoming more violent downstream, it eventually transitions from frightening rapids to tranquility once more. What I'm saying is that I believe your daughter is going to be okay even though she is now splashing and thrashing and gasping for air. Her little boat is more buoyant than you might think. Yes, a few individuals do go over the falls, usually because of drug abuse or other Q A from the crowd you hang out with. Instead, focus on work, getting ahead and keeping a low personal profile in order to avoid turmoil that may hinder your productivity. CANCER (June 21-July 22): Take action and take control. This is your time to forge ahead with gusto. You can make progressive changes both personally and professionally that will set you up for bigger and better things to come in the not so distant future. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Don't give away too much. If you tell your secrets or you confide in someone untrustworthy, you can expect it to cost you one way or another. Concentrate on self-improvement and fulfilling your own dreams and you will addictive behavior. But even some of them climb back in the canoe and paddle on down the river. Most will regain their equilibrium in a few years. In fact, the greatest danger of sinking a boat could come from ... parents! I am suspicious that my 16-yearold son may be using some kind of illegal drugs. He's just not himself lately and his friends are some of the weirdest guys you ever saw. Can you summarize the most common symptoms of drug abuse for me? What should I look for? A complete answer to that question would fill a book, because there are so many illegal substances on the market today and each has its own characteristic "fingerprint." But there are eight common physical and emotional symptoms you might look for in your son: 1. Inflammation of the eyelids and nose is common. The pupils of the eyes are either very wide or very small, depending on the kind of drugs internalized. 2. Extremes of energy may be evident. Either the individual is sluggish, gloomy and withdrawn, or he may be loud, hysterical and jumpy. 3. The appetite is extreme -- either very great or very poor. Weight loss may occur. 4. The personality suddenly changes; the individual may become irritable, inattentive and confused, or aggressive, suspicious and explosive. 5. Body and breath odor is often bad. Cleanliness is generally ignored. 6. The digestive system may be upset -- diarrhea, nausea and vomiting may occur. Headaches and double vision are also common. Other signs of physical deterioration may include change in skin tone and body stance. 7. Needle marks on the body, usually appearing on the arms, are an important symptom. These punctures sometimes get infected and appear as sores and boils. 8. Moral values often crumble and are replaced by new, avant-garde ideas and values. Let me caution you that some kids are able to hide their drug use better than others are. You might stop by to see the officer in charge of narcotics enforcement for your local police department. He or she may be able to give you more specific information applicable to your son. (Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(www.family.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House. Copyright 2009 James Dobson Inc. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.) Q A come out ahead. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You may have to compromise in order to get things done properly. Don't let an emotional issue stand in your way. Anger will be your downfall but, if you contain the way you feel and focus on what's important, you will come out on top. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Love, romance and travel will add a thrill to your life. You will be able to take advantage of an opportunity offered that increases your skills, talents and knowledge. A partnership will make your life easier and more cost efficient. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): As long as you stick to budget, you will be able to pull off an extremely difficult task will surprise everyone who has been following your progress. It's time to promote and present what you've been working so hard to achieve. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22Dec. 21): Don't get so caught up in the moment that you say, do or promise something that you may regret. Problems with authority figures and rules and regulations will hold you back if you haven't taken the time to find out proper protocol. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Positive change is heading your way. You will be able to take advantage of creative opportunities that will help you increase your income through Continued on Next Page. |