JOHN HENRY I PLAYS PROGRESSIVE EUCUtfE. I By HUGH McliUGH I IGEORGB Y. H0BART I j I - ONi: ok tiiufi: ritnsitKgsivi-: i:rt :uu: imgiits." iOno night recently I want out with Clara Jane to one ot t.nio prres-1 lvo cucliro fights. It was my flrat time 113 b-fjre t'.ia Judge, ana I felt as nsrvoua a a n?w servant girl. Clara June Introduced me to the . bunch, anil I drew a tall laily who had lived In Chicago tor many years and didn't know what to do nbout It. I saw that 1 was out to get humped If I didn't forget my fears and talk fast, so I braced and began to cut grass. "Lovely weather we're having, ain't It?" I observed. "What's tho trump?" My partner was one of those old thlnr,8 that never speak a line without throwing n con goo-goo with the eye. I was next In a minute. She was one of the kind that's anxious' anx-ious' to lead you nway from your own tootsle wootsle. In tho hope that you may have a spare bunch of sweet talk you can hand her on tho quiet. Then she raises tho window and yells for a cheap minister. I was anxious to have my sentence expire with that dame, so I played a swift game. I ducked to my corner quick when the gong sounded, but I'm afraid the round was against me. I'm not stuck on myself believe me, I consider myself' nbout an eight to five shot, and I feel that I can come down the stretch with the rest ot tho bunch without tho whip. So when I noticed that every time I looked around the room I'd catch that old fairy giving me tho faraway gnzo I didn't know whether to puff up and get chesty, or hustlo for my coat and my top-piece and go homo. My next partner was a glggler. Say, boys, those giggling dames nro boyond tho breakers, aren't they? I used to think that n girl giggled because she was off her feed, but I've Blnco decided that they hnnd out those chopped laughs because their brains liounce nround and they get a kink l.i their conversational powers. They have a motto which reads: "When In doubt, giggle!" The beauty bright who sat opposlto mo In tho second round giggled by note. Every tlmo sho played a card sho giggled, and when sho wasn't playing sho was fixing her valves for nnother outburst. Tho bell found me groggy at tho end of the second round. Tho old hen with tho languishing lamps was still on my trail. Tho noxt time I went to tho center I was matchod with a married lady who talked about her husband all tho while. Every tlmo sho opened her mouth sho cooked up a fresh batch ot hot lr about Gtw. "Oh! my Gus Is just tho lovollest fellow that ever lived! whose play "WROTE POETRY AND TALKED BBK ABOUT Is It? Mine! Don't you know, Ouh AS bought mo the sweetoHt side-combs yesterday, puro tortolso shell with BkBJ real rhino stones Is It my play? What's trumps? Gus Is always bo AV thoughtful; he uovcr comes homo from business without bringing mo AS a box of candy or Boinothln Is It AA ,11 really my play?" BW Wouldn't It mako you worso? BAK Ilor Gus! I'll bet ho's an old shrimp with hllly-goat whiskers, and every tlmo sho goes near him ho says BAk "Me-ya-aaa!" and kicks her on tho An AH I was hugging tho ropes when tho HK 'boll sounded. AAV My noxt partner was a dark-eyed VAT. damsel who was ongagod to marry n ASA. long-legged shadow at the tablo be-AVA be-AVA hind her, and slm almost crackod her AAvf throat trying to rubber nt him and play cards at the same time. Till"! round wa tamo. I went In for the fifth round with 11 lily who wrote poetry and talked about It for a living. She put us who to tho fact that Tennyson couldn't play In her yard, and that Edgar Allan I'oo wns a piker compared with her. She said she had done a little tidbit, tid-bit, entitled "Papa's Tide Is Rising "when in DOunT, aiaciLE." Slowly, and tho Gas Dill's Ovcrduo" that was destined to wake tho world. I asked her If sho couldn't pleaso let tho world sleep, and play cards, and sho stung me with her cruel eyes. Tho round ended with me on my knees, hut the bell saved me. Tho old canary was still hunting me up with eyes ablazo with love. Ohl scold me! scold me! I'm such a devil among tho has-beens. Tor the next round I led out a coy lnssU who lisped. She was good company till sho talked, then tho chain broke. I hate to havo a girl plant her pleading peepers on mo and say: "Wath trumpths, spadcth or clubth?" Don't you? In tho noxt I met a lady who dealt out a bunch of remarks about hor baby boy, Jim. Jim, sho said, was now only 22 years old and was going through Mnrvnrd. I'll bet four dollars he was going through her money most ot tho time. At the finish of this round the old relic with tho sad lamps camo up to mo and tapped mo on tho shoulder with hor fan. "Oh! you naughty, naughty boy!" she peeped, "can't you see I'm awfully awful-ly angry at you!" "I don't know," I said; "I'm froir Missouri so you'll havo to show mo!" "I havon't enjoyed any gamo thin evening ono-half ns much as that first one," sho said. Then It nil flashed ovor mo, and 1 was off tho griddle in a minute. Sho was Pat Crowo In dlsgulso, and I was on tho list to bo kidnaped. I sidestepped and found Clart Jane. "Tako mo homo!" I said; "this so-doty so-doty lite Is killing me." Clara Jana Is n wlso guylno. Sho could tell from tho stnrtlci fawn eye I gavo hor that I wantod ti pull out of tho siding and hit the mall llni for home. Sho crawled Into hor wrnps and we. loft tho mob Just as nil hands wore paddling off to tho Ico cream trough, No moro progrosslvo things for mo I know when tho clock strikes 12, Horoafter when thoy say society I'll duck. Mo! to tho housetops! Me! to tho dense forest! Whon I feel that It's up to me to dissipate I'll sit up with a long black bottlo till I see nnd hear things that I can throw the chairs at without bolng called Impolite. Yours, In a spirit of brotherly love. bellove mol JOHN IIHNItr, (Copyright, 1001, hy Q. W. Dillingham Co.