Show Hiding from the pain hiding from the truth Dear Editor In late February of 1982 a green-clad green nurse handed me a small bundle of perfection I gazed down into the precious unblemished face of my daughter touched her tiny littie littie little lit lit- tie tle hands and realized that five minutes earlier she had been with God Y You u might thin joy elation and great expectations expectations expectations for her future would fill my thoughts but just the opposite opposite op op- occurred My stomach wrenched into a knot and I began to sweat Self-loathing Self flooded my senses as reality set in and I said to myself Good Lord Im I'm a father what am I supposed to do donow donow donow now Later on I got drunk in order to kill the pain and ease the dread that saturated my soul I dont don't know if all abused children respond this way when they have children of their own My reaction was unbridled terror and an indescribable indescribable indescribable in in- describable feeling of Abused children become child abusers themselves them them- selves selves passing passing the tradition on from one generation to the next Aside from the trauma and permanent damage that occurs occurs occurs oc oc- oc- oc curs from physical violations and the pain that accompanies accompanies panics them abuse influences who the child thinks he is This belief precipitates the most devastating result of both physical and nonphysical non cal abuse shame The abused child believes something is inherently wrong with him that he is a mistake that there is no hope These feelings are much harder to endure than physical discomfort They produce low or no self es teem negatively influencing the individuals individual's entire life 0 It is because of the shame involved with abuse that the disease is able to perpetuate itself Because something is wrong with him not his parents he must protect his parents at all costs and keep everyone from finding out his terrible secret that secret that he is worthless Perfect children who never seem to have problems and are too good to be e true often have been abused Denial becomes the name of the game and the better the child gets at it the farther away from reality he drifts drifts- Another factor involved in the diseases disease's ability to sustain sustain sus sus- sus- sus tam tain its hold on the family is our body's natural defense system Children who are physically and emotionally traumatized block out the gruesome memories in order to protect themselves from the pain Some victims of abuse think their childhoods were fine because they have no memory of the abuse However it governs their every action In my own case I am without recollection of ages one through six and have only sketchy memories of my life up to the age of twelve The real tragedy amnesia 0 is that we pass abuse on to our children without being able to control it Trying to protect ourselves from the pain we also blind ourselves to the truth We compulsively compulsive compulsive- ly abuse our own children telling ourselves its OK because because because be be- cause its it's what Dad would have done Deep down inside inside inside in in- side we sense that its it's wrong But we deny it allowing the whole vicious cycle to start over again Name withheld by request |