| Show m r Guest Editorial Confronting the painful reality National Child Abuse and Neglect Awareness Month has passed While I wanted to attend the conferences I did not I used school and classes as an excuse In reality I did not know if I wanted to confront confront confront con con- front those issues again I had been molested years ago when I was seven the theman's theman's theman's mans man's face is still burned in my mind Fortunately the theman theman theman man was vas not a trusted loved one He was the grocery cashier To say that child abuse is total devastation falls short of the magnitude with which it affects the entire family mother father brothers sisters and their children Four years ago my world became became became be be- came a nightmare trip into the depths of hell As I sat inthe inthe in inthe the doctors doctor's office listening to her confirm that my Iny ten month old son had sustained scar tissue in his rectum from penetration of oJ an object I came u glued d. d Not only had my spouse raped my five year old niece I found out that he had also molested his own son No words can express the feelings feelings feelings feel feel- ings that overwhelmed me Guilt overcame me He was my husband it was my brothers brother's daughter that faced his brutality Why didn't I know about him We were married for eleven years Where were my maternal instincts had God forgotten to give me mc any Daily I flogged myself with such questions I hated myself Watching a bubbly energetic energetic energetic ener ener- getic year five-year old turn into a luster lack-luster mistrusting sad little person tore me apart I became a recluse the sole protector of my son No one except my mother was al allowed allowed allowed al- al lowed to take care of him when hen I went on my short anxiety anxiety- filled trips to the store While playing in the bedroom with my youngest brother my son closed the door Immediately I wanted to rush in open the door and pretend I was wondering if they were having fun Several months passed before I felt safe leaving my son with grandpa The counselor at the sexual abuse clinic helped me meto meto meto to deal with my guilt yet I wanted to accept the blame Suicidal thoughts filled my mind daily The prospect of letting my husband ex-husband have custody of our son stopped me mc The destructiveness of the situation was enormous Family members denounced each other The family unit exploded leaving everyone fragmented Slowly the pieces are being put back together Some pieces will never fit again Resentments take time timeto to heal The process of recovery is slow After two and a half years of counseling my therapist and I agreed that I Iwas Iwas Iwas was ready to wing it on my own When programs on television deal with sexual abuse my agitation stirs deep within the tears find their well worn path Anger forces me to my feet and I pace the room a little Nightmares pervade pervade pervade per per- vade my dreams for about a week Now some of these effects effects effects ef ef- ef- ef have diminished There is still work to be done on myself and I know that I am amstrong amstrong amstrong strong enough to accept the challenges before me Kathy S. S Smith |
