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Show THE PROGRESSIVE OPINION K3 See Here, - POS I Mz. Private Hargrove! rfM h r ty Marion Hargrove o. fef Of tcuvict I'. I THE STORY SO FAR: Private Marion "1 Hargrove, former editorial employee of 4 a North Carolina newspaper, has been Inducted Into the army and is receiving bli basic training at Fort Bragg. He has lfjj been classified as a cook. This classi- - S9 ficaUon together with a more than usual amount of KP duty have caused him to become pretty well acquainted with the Company kitchen. Private has become Hargrove rather well versed In the many angles of "goldbricking" and other army pastimes. He claims, however, that "shooting the breeze" or the "buB session" is the soldier's favorite recrea-tion. At this stage of training some of the boys are experts in the art. As we pick up the story he is discussing this. because I don't know anything about cooking.'' The. sergeant sat back and drummed happily on the table. "Great gods!" I shouted. "I'm not going to be a cannoneer, am I?" "No, Private Hargrove," he said after another long pause, "you're not going to be a cannoneer. We're going to give you a job where you can use your natural talents." There was a distinctly sadistic tone in his voice. I waited. "You're going to be a first cook, Hargrove," he said fondly. "Not just a plain cook. A head cook! A king in your own kitchen, a man of responsibility. Ain't that lovely?" "You can't do this to me!" I roared, when my breath returned. "It's against every decent human law! I don't know anything about cooking! I want to be a cannon-eer!" Sergeant Goldsmith's eyes wan-dered guiltlessly to the ceiling. "You don't know anything about cooking, huh? That's bad, boy, that's bad! Why, you're supposed to be on shift right now." "Sergearit," I said, "I couldn't fry an egg right now if it had di-rections on the package." "You're in the cooks' battery, ain't you? You've been going to cooking school and you've been sent to a kitchen for all these weeks. You're supposed to be graduated any day now. What have you been CHAPTER IX J By this time, the evening bull ses-;- ,. sinns have worn themselves into a very definite routine. If Corporal Ussery is there, he lectures on how , he'd run the Army; if it's Private Terrence Clarkin, he tells how he used to direct the intricate traffic affairs of Radio City Music Hall when he was assistant chief doorman there. Unless Private Henri Geld-t- ? ers is stopped, he'll start a violent argument among the butchers over how to cut a steak. ow McGIauflin will talk for hours IjJ about the beauties of the lakes in jrt Minnesota. Grafenstein will deliver discourses on how he would run the , Wisconsin football team; Pappas, v about Alabama's Crimson Tide. will sermonize on the ut-ter baseness and treachery of worn- - anhood. Lately, however, the sessions have come more and more under the ! sway of Private Merton Hulce, a mad Irish lad from Muskegon, Mich-igan. Private Hulce apparently li didn't stop at kissing the Blarney J Stone. He must have stolen half i of it to carry with him. I Hulce's chief topic of conversa- - tion is his mother's fabulous family, t the Smiths, all of whom seem to get enmeshed in every war that a comes along. His" grandfather, who was a captain in the Coast Guard at the outbreak of the last war, was u transferred to duty at guarding mu-ll nitions dumps and such for the dura-- y tion of the war. S According to Hulce, one of the J munitions guards with his grandfa-ther'- s detail was approached late one night by an officer of the guard. 5 0 "Halt!" shouted the sentry, and the 'I officer halted. "Advance to be ree-k- t ognized!" said the sentry, and the eg officer advanced. The sentry for-as- s got to order "halt" again and the fcl officer came within a foot of him. fc Suddenly the officer reached out and sii snatched the rifle from the guard's is! i hand. K'j This was an exceedingly uncom-- fortable position for the guard, espe- - 6 cially in that time of war. He might 3 even have been sentenced to death. The officer stood there just lookng i at the guard for fully a minute. "What would you have done," he K1 asked in a terrible voice, "if an sd enemy had got your gun like that?" c The guard trembled for a moment and recovered. "I would have re' snatched it back, sir," he said, "like THAT!" And the officer stood there, empty-hande- Hulce's grandfather, who told that story, is now about sixty-fiv- his grandson says. He was asked to come back into the Navy three months ago as a captain. Being a prise to us. We were especially in-trigued by the woolen gloves and the pretty gray-blu- e socks. But the piece de resistance was the underwear, if I may be indeli-cate. Private Huber and some of the other less fortunate citizen-soldier- s were issued simple, unglamor-ou- s longies in a color that could best be described as lemon cus-tard. The cut of these pale beau-ties was the orthodox, one-pie- de-sign such as one sees hung on the washlines of all comic strips. From wrist to ankle, we' will be clothed this winter in two-piec- e en-sembles of a color halfway between baby blue and rabbit gray. The un-dershirts are cut on a sweat-shi- rt pattern and are form fitting enough to send any Hollywood designer into frenzies of envy. The nether gar-ments, which are called "shorts" for some unfathomable reason, look like the tights worn in medieval days and show off the shapeliness of a masculine leg to best advantage or otherwise. Next to the Bugler, I suppose the battery clerk has the goldbrickin'est job in the battery. You could cut his pay to ten dollars a month and he'd still be defrauding the govern-ment. Just watch the battery clerk for a while and you start wondering why he's in the Army, when he's so evidently cut out to fit the lean-ing end of a WPA shovel. While the rest of the battery is earning its daily bread with sweat, the bat-tery clerk sits in the orderly room with the powers that be, typing the daily worklist with original spellings for all the names and wondering how long it is until lunchtime. Our battery clerk is a beardless youth named Howard Miller. I tripped over him yesterday evening on my way back from a hard day's work and stopped to chew the con-versational fat. "Junior," I asked him, "how does your conscience feel about this six-da- y goldbricking schedule every week? Don't you feel a twinge on payday?" Corporal Miller made a move to draw himself up indignantly, but de-cided it wasn't worth the effort. "If you're insinuating that I don't have to work you're off your bean, sonny. I do two or three times as much work as you happiness boys." I yawned and sat down. "After listening to Ussery shooting off his mouth fifteen hours a day, I can take yours. Go on with your fan-tastic story." "Boy," said Miller, "the responsi-bility is enough to kill an ordinary man. I'm a one-ma- n information bureau for the whole battery. I "Son," he said, "you're going to make a perfectly breathtaking Hor-rible Example." I had nothing more to say. doing in the kitchen I put you in?" "Making jerk-ade,- " I explained, "chopping celery, peeling onions. They say I get in their way. They say I keep spirits too high and pro-duction too low." "I feel for you," the sergeant said. "I deeply sympathize. You're going to be a mighty unpopular lit-tle boy in your new home. If that supper tonight don't melt in them boys' mouths and send them clam-oring for more, they'll either mas-sacre you or run you over the hill. That's one thing the boys won't al-low bum cooking!" "Sergeant Goldsmith, sir," I im-plored him. "Can't somebody else go in my stead? Somebody who can cook? Look at me a digger of ditches, a mopper of floors, a scrub-ber of kitchens, a ministering angel to undernourished grass plots, but a cook never! You don't know what you're doing to me!" "Son," he said, "you're going to make a perfectly breath-takin- g Hor-rible Example!" Then he rose and walked back into the supply room. "Thomas," he said, "check in this 'yardbird'a equipment." Sergeant Israel looked up from his Form Thirty-Tw- o records. "Don't he like his .equipment?" "Check in everything but his clothing," the top kick said. "Get a truck to take him to Headquar-ters Battery, FARC." Sergeant Thomas W. Israel looked up in faint amazement. I looked in have to know who everybody is, where everybody is, where every-body's going and bow long he's go-ing to be there. "I have to know the answer to every dumb question you guys come popping up with. Where's my mail? When do I get my furlough? Where are we going to be sent when we get shipped out of here? Why didn't I get a weekend pass? Why was I oh KP again today? Every sort of question you could imagine!" "Quit popping your guns, laddie," I told him. "That's no grind for you. You use the same answer on all the questions: 'How the hell would I know?' " He was quiet for a while and I thought he had gone to sleep again. I was all primed to hum "Chow Call" to wake him up, when he stirred and sighed heavily. "All right," I prompted him, "so you're the one-ma- n information bu-reau. So what do you do in the line of actual work?" "Work!" he shouted. "That's what I do work! Why, I have to write all the letters and keep all the files and keep duty rosters up to date! I have to make thousands of rosters of the battery every month " "That," I suggested, "should take at least two or three hours every day. What do you do to while away the other tedious hours of the day?" He was quiet again for about a minute. Then he arose. "I've got a pretty hard day ahead of me to-morrow, Hargrove," he said. "I hope you won't mind if you excuse myself. You have to get plenty of sleep when you have a job like mine." "When you have a Job like yours," I growled, "you can sleep night and day." -!- - The top sergeant stuck his head out of the supply room and beck-oned with his arm. "Come 'ere, you!" I dropped my stable broom m the battery street and hastened toward him, as one always does when sum-moned by the top kick. "Well, Private Hargrove," he said, "this is a r day for vou-- 1 "You mean you're going to let me go out and drill like the other fellows?" "Noooo, Private Hargrove, he said. "I mean I'm going to let you turn in all your equipment You are no longer to be a rookie, Pri-vate Hargrove. You are going to be an important working cog in the great wheel of national defense. You are leaving us, Private Har-grove. "What's the deal?" I asked. "Where do I go and what do I do?" The sergeant chuckled and leaned back in his chair. He sighed ec-statically twice. "Would you really like to know, son, or, would you rather put it off as long as you a"Well " I "id tbnri-'-'ly- , "you can't be sending : " cook-- In the midst of this fiery hell he Isaw a peach tree with peaches on it. Smith, he's back. With him in the armed forces today are two of his sons and two of his grandsons. Merton had two uncles in the last jtB war, both of whom fared exceeding-ri- j ly well when you take a practical view of it; Neither tired himself jr out. The first crossed the ocean nine times playing the clarinet in a 'roop ship's iand. The Germans torpedoed the boat once and the j holes in the side were stuffed with 3 mattresses. Hulce's uncle rode back into port, still playing his clarinet. That was the goldbricking uncle. 5 The other uncle served as a kay- - Pee on the trip across. Carrying a toy around the deck, he was heckl-ed several times by a person he soon grew to loathe. Eventually the Irish wrath of the Smiths rose to boiling point Uncle Smith lifted J the tray high overhead and wrapped " around the heckler's neck. He , spent the rest of the war in con-finement. Then there was the cousin, grand-- I ma's sister's boy. Serving in the ' front-lin- e trenches, he grew suddenly hungry one morning. Looking out f the trench, he saw a peach tree growing there in the midst of the fiery hell, and there were still i Peaches on it. He tried to sneak too the tree, but the enemy's bul-lets found him. He was carried be- -' hina the lines. Just as the stretcher bearers laid him down, an enemy i shell exploded in the center of their little group and none of them were . . ever seen again. This happened at exactly ten A o'clock on the morning of Novem-ber 11, 1918 one hour before the Armistice was signed. LINGERIE NOTE: Our winter uniforms were issued to us today, and, since we had the afternoon "A. we spent all our time until re- - treat trying on the pretties and pa-I rading before each other. The clothes were and the was t, but all was vanity. j We knew what the trousers, shirts, ties, blouses, and overcoats would J '"ok like, but the remainder of the f wardrobe came as a complete sur- - sneer Dewiiaermeni. "They had to figure some way to stop his cooking career and save the morale of some battery as would get him as a cook," said Ser-geant Goldsmlta. "So he's being palmed off to Center Headquarters as a public relations man." The word "buddy" hasn't come into popularity yet in the new army. I suppose that if there were such things, Maury Sher would be mine. Sher and I occupied adjoining bunks when I was in Battery A. I bummed most of my cigarettes from him and we always got into trouble to-gether. Private Sher is a smart and lik-able Jewish boy from Columbus. Ohio. He went to school at South-ern California, until he learned that all the world's knowledge doesn't come from the Intellectual invalids who usually teach the 8:30 class. Then he went back to Columbus, had an idea patented, and built him-self a restaurant shaped like a champagne glass. Came the fateful Sixteenth of Oc-tober and Sher enrolled for the Se-lective Service System. His appli-cation was accepted last July and, since he had been the successful proprietor of a restaurant, he was classified as a promising student for the Army cooking course. The two of us got together when he was sent to the Replacement Cen-ter here. We started an acquaint-ance when I topped all his Jewish jokes and began teaching him how to speak Yiddish. I was attracted by his native intelligence, his pleas-ant personality, his sense of humor, the similarity of his likes and dis-likes to mine, his subscription to PM, his d supply of cig-arettes (my brand), and the cookies he constantly received from home. So we became more or less con-stant companions. We made the rounds here together, went to Char-lotte together, made goo-go- o eyes at the same waitress in Fayettevllla, and swapped valuable trade secret in ioldbricking. cyanvt buy aspirin that can do more for you than St. Joseph Aspirin. Why pay more? World's largest Geller at 10c Demand St. Joseph Aspirin, LJI III III fPi(ff School Winner. jfTgyilrfn' "ff "TpHE center panel of this dress vltV II II III llll - adds both height and slimness j f " to the appearance of the girl who 1 wears it. There's the reason why I i fyaTl this is one of our most popular LtSTu school girl patterns. fl46S l Pattern No. 8470 is in sizes 6. 8. 10, 12 o ,o I and 14 years.' Size 8 requires 2V yards fj material, 3,i yards ii . vipijii PvwJf' Due to an unusually large demand and "riaiiMiiiiiMinii ii a- - f,, , IIIM J current war conditions, slightly more time is required in rilling orders for a few of BACK SUIIDW HW the most popular pattern numbers. Send your order to: SEWING CIRCLE PATTERN DEPT. 149 New Montgomery Street San Francisco Calif. Enclose 20 cents in coins for each pattern desired. Pattern No Size Name . Address Shoulder a Gun or the Cost of One Midriff Frock. it Buy United States War Bonds UOW the junior crowd loves frocks with well-defin- mid-riff section. This one is so color-ful with dramatically placed con-trasting details. Pattern No. 8465 is in sizes 9, 11, 13, 15, 17 and 19. Size 11 takes 3', yards material. 9 yards braid or i If Your lose Fills l!p loninllt Get Quick Relief! HfDrops Relieve StafRnes- s-e S S T Vlun t If s wonderful how Vicks clears the tran- - ro-- sient congestion that clogs up the nose! Results are so feSsr ; J very good because is specialized medication Nsiafi" that works right where trouble is to relieve stuffiness r F Tft and make breathing easier. Try it put a few drops up L,4) each nostril follow directions in folder. nmiv BY WEARING YOUR PLATES IVEiY DAY Tv ) IIUD C0MF08IABlY SNUG TH,S WAT V iwv Face-lin- es sag wrinkles form when plates remain un--J worn. Avoid this hold plates firmly all day, every day with T? i-- " k8 "comfort-cushion- ," a dentist's formula. 1. Dr. Wernet's plate powder forms Recommendedbydentistsfor30years. soothing "comfort-cushio- between j. Dr. Wernet's powder is economical; plate and ums lets you enjoy solid a very small amount lasts longer, foods, avoid embarrassment of loose 4. Made of whitest, costliest inpedient plates. Helps prevent sore gums. so pure you eat it in ico cream. 2. World's largest selling plate powder. Pleasant tasting. r' in the marines f they say: f jL' f CHICKEN; for recruit Z8:. t GREENS for winter service uniform ! C '! V 'SQUARED AWAyWforvervtJugship,hape- - ; V? Un 1 CAMEL' for the favorite cigarette with men I " in the Marines ' J " " s,$r J:(KcznmS DELzIVER PLENTY J MTHrERSEsRrWCE fl &T$f 0F FLAVOR AND With men in the Army, ' ?J&M MILDNESS -T-HEY ) ZZfZZ jp-- fgfL: J SUIT ME TO cigarette is Camel. (Based f- f ftflMf tlswl . mi J on actual sales records.) j ill This question is often settled by the quality of the vaccine F IV 1 used. Cutter Vaccines and Serums are not produced for I It I the buyer who wants to save two cents on a hundred dol- - f lar animal. We produce vaccines and serums for your stock 1 the way we produce them for human use . . . yes, they're 1 I 1 made by a laboratory which makes vaccines and serums for ; 1 f i you and your children, and for the armed forces. See your ; l l Y J S CUTTER distributor! Cutter Laboratories, Berkeley, Calif. ! Mrs. Newlywed's Secret Didn't Help Matters Any Mr. and Mrs. Newlywed were silent as the train bore them swift-ly homewards at the end of their honeymoon. Mr. Newlywed had spent every available penny on the holiday and his next pay day was a full two weeks off. But as they neared home the young wife gave a merry laugh. With a frown her husband asked the cause of her merriment. "I'm going to tell you a secret that will cheer you up, Billy," vshe said. "Before we went away I hid a ten dollar bill in the pantry." "Yes," moaned the dejected spouse, "I know. I found it." Geese for Victory Long before modern war made V our symbol of victory, wild geese flew in a V formation. It is a custom of the goose world. An old gander commonly leads the flock, taking his place at the point of the V. fv. fv. (V. fv. (v. t. fv. c. - - f - - - C' - f- - - - - - P-- - - - - - - - - C' - - ? ? I ASK HIS ?A quiz with answers offering ?? lFJ7I&f !nformation on various subjects ? ? The Answers 1. Thirty-fiv- e, only five of which have elected Presidents. 2. Forty-si- x strings. 3. Thomas Jefferson. 4. Yes, Class 5. Prometheus. 6. Britain. 7. Two equal sides. 8. American battleships being built today are limited in width by the Panama canal and m height by the Brooklyn bridge under which they must pass to reach the Brooklyn navy yard. 9. The American Indians. In the services today are 15,000 braves, 40 per cent of the able-bodie- d In-dians. 10. Pluto. The Questions 1. The United States has had how many national political par-ties? 2. A harp usually has how many strings? 3. Who wrote the Virginia statute for religious freedom? 4. Do men in the armed forces of the United States have a draft classification? 5. According to legend, who stole fire from heaven and bestowed it upon mortals? 6. Where did the ancient Pitts live? 7. How many equal sides has an isoceles triangle? 8. By what are American battle-ships being built today limited in size? 9. What racial group in the United States has contributed the greatest percentage of its mem-bers to the armed services? 10. What is the most remote known planet of the solar system? Negro Pugilists Negroes constitute at least 5,500 of America's 8,000 professional pu-gilists, both in and out of the mili tary services. Thus their partici-- . pation in prize fighting is greater than in any other spectator sport in this country. Origin of Goodby Our goodby is a shortened form of "God be with ye." "So long" is thought to be an American cor-ruption of the word salaam ("peace") as heard in the Moslem greeting "Salaam alei-kum- ," meaning "May peace be unto you," perhaps brought to America by Moslem slavers, or African slaves. That's All Wet "How did you lose your job at the dress shop, my dear?" "Just because of something I said. After I had tried 20 dresses on a woman, she said, 'I think I'd look better in something flowing' and so I asked her why she didn't go jump in the river." Their Object At the country club a t golfer ob-served two small boys tvatchinft hint and remarked: "You boyr will never learn by watching me." 'We ain't interested in golf, Mister,n said the small boys. "We're going fish-i-as soon as you dig up some more worms." Could Be "See here, waiter there's an in-sect on this plate!" "Well, well. So it is. Wonder if it could be one of them vitamin bees we read so much about." Mrs. Henpeck always weighs her words before speaking and never gives short weight. No Imitation PopNow wasn't that a nice ride on my knee? Sonny Boy Yeah, but I'd lots -- ather ride a real donkey. Not to. Swat Girl (to aviator) Mister, would you take me for a little fly? Aviator Why, not at all. You look more like a little girl. |