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Show 3 I The White Antidote By Joe Busche H I E - m n E M m mm m mm flflfl r ft HY not be happy?" f read Mr. Jonathan WXoBn3J)jy Dlggins, scowling fHWrn Hi at Lhe Dlatanl a,1 1 Hi xwi, f 8 vertisemeEt. "Why ftw(J not be happy?" He iStAVfli half cn,ml)led' tbe llKfWf ft paper in his hands. UWAwf "! could tcl1 tll(j l8r J fool!" he growled. l- wLl "With business as It is. and tho weather and the missus, and three growing girls to bring up, and no sign of a husband for any of 'em, and the Liberals in office and the countrv going to the devil, it'd take more than his infernal Remedium to set mo up and, by George. I've more than half a mind to go and tell him io!" He stared gloomily at the advertisement. advertise-ment. It ran as follows: Tbe cup of Happiness-Why not be happy? Is vour business failing? Do you suffer from grumps. growls, megrims, me-grims, snarls, or other Indications of bad temper? Ia your home a hell ? These Ills can be curcd There is a way to banish care Consult Prof. Seneca Smiles, 3G1 Nelson roa4. Upper Up-per Norwood, and obtain from him h s Infallible Remedium. A single dose ot the "Cup of Happiness" causes the vapors va-pors to fly forever. The sou sits on its sovereign seat and joy reigns un-cballcneged. un-cballcneged. Why not be bjppy-now-today-at oncel Sec the professor. pro-fessor. He Is waiting for you. "Hang it!" said Mr. Dlggins irritated irritat-ed beyond endurance by the buoyant optimism of the advertisement He shan't wait long I'll call there on the wav home and wring his neck. He hud a long and wearing da m the city, and the advertisement struck him as an insult. On the borderland Wwcen the commercial and residen- tial areas, he found tbe place he was 1 see king -a small shop with cuvereu by a green blind, and a doo on which a brass plate set forth the professor's name. With a somewhat quickened curiosity curi-osity he stepped inside. He found h'mself in a small office, along one side of which ran a polished county Beyond three chairs, there was no other furniture, A few bottles stood on the shelf behind the colter. He rapped sharply on the counter Suddenly Sud-denly he- was smitten fWjttr upon the back. He turned indlgmin to confront a tall, thin man with Bjtoj choh eves but with B face screwed up to SCious laughtfr. who clapped Dim on the back once more with in creasing violence. I "Ha. ha. bal" laughed the man Ha. I ha, ha! I know bat you've come for. I i i ... v.it vimi want! "1 doubt, it sir." said Mr Dlggins. spluttering wratbfully; " very much doubt it I am come to denounce you -to expose you as a swindler I an come to ask the meaning f the preposterous pre-posterous advertisement Iioio this address which caught m eye this evening on the way trom bUgl- e"Nothlng preposterous about It, my dear sir." answered the profc ?sso r. I tell happiness. So why not buy fcome0" , . . . V He produced a cut-glass phial ftom drawer containing about two ounces ot a dark greenish mixture and hem It out to Mr. Diggino- . . , -Look at uie!" he said. Am l hearty? Am I joyful? Do I clap peo-plo peo-plo on tho back? You wouldn't think now that for years I was a martyr to Indigestion. But I was. Then I discovered dis-covered this, and indigestion becamo of minor importance. I suffer from it still, but it does not trouble me. I ignore 1L Invaluable draft1 And to think that I sell it to you at a sovereign sover-eign a phial! Well, well the work is its o n reward ! " "Sir," said Mr. Dlggins, "if you were in my place, with a wife and three growing girls to keep, with the weather what it has been, and business as it is, and the Liberals in ofQce. and everything going to the devil well, you'd know better than to Insult a stranger in the way you are doing." "No insult at all," said the professor, laughing Joyfully. "This potent liquid acts upon tho brain. You are awaro that the brain consists of millions of email cells, each with Its separate function. Some control tho movements move-ments of the arms, 6ome of the legs, some of the face. Some have to do with the senso of sight, some of hearing, hear-ing, others of feeling, smelling, tasting. tast-ing. Some are concerned with the reception re-ception of impressions happy or unhappy, un-happy, pleasant or otherwise. Now this marvelous liquid penetrates to the Innermost recesses of that organ and selects for Its action those cells concerned con-cerned with happiness and unhappi-ne'ss unhappi-ne'ss stimulating the former, paralyzing paralyz-ing the latter. I alone possess the secret se-cret of its manufacture. Its action Is a lasting one. For one sovereign, I offer you a life's happiness." Mr Dlggins stared at him. The professor's pro-fessor's assurance was infectious. He stretched out his hand for the phial. "It isn't alcohol?" he asked. "There is a little alcohol In It," admitted ad-mitted the professor, "but only as a solvent for the rare herbs of which 1 have compounded it. Try it and see. Your money returned if it i3 not immediately im-mediately efficacious. He drained the flask. Almost Immediately Imme-diately ho was conscious of a wonderful wonder-ful sense of lightness. He became dizzy. Then the dizziness cleared off, and with It went the day's load of carts. "Ha, ha!" he Shouted, throwing throw-ing back his head. "It's marvellous! Ha, ha! I'm so happy! Ha. ha. ha!" In the entensity of in joy. he punched punch-ed the professor in the ribs. "Ha, ha!" echoed the professor. "I told you so, didn't I? Ha, ha, ha!" He smote Mr Digglns on the face with his open hand, and the two, in pure lightnesa of heart, did a knockabout knock-about turn around the office. When Mr Digglns had had enough, lie rose trom the floor, dusty but smll-Ipg smll-Ipg He danced iuto a motor-'bus. d meed out of it, and danced UP the stepc of his own front door He danced danc-ed across the ball and into the drawing draw-ing room, where his wife, a stout and elderly woman, sat in tears on the sofa- 0. Jonathan," the cried. I'm so glad you've come. I've had a terrible day of It. Bui whatever have you been rinlnc to yourself." Nothing. Maria-nothing of any consequence," answered Jonathan buoyantly, casting a careless glancs usty gamn.s. "But Wha about his terrible day" What about U" eh? It can't be so very terrible, now can it V "Can't it!" .said his wife indignantly. indignant-ly. "You wait until you hear First of all, the plumber has sent his bill and it's 29 1Gs-id. Think of it!" "The dog!" said Mr. Diggins joyfully. joyful-ly. "Isn't that just what I expected Of him? Tho dog!" ' Well, if you expected it, I didn't," she said tartly. "And pcrnaps you'll say you expected this as well. I caught Edic in tho garden kissing a young man behind the laurel bushes the young man who is the cashier at the big grocery store round the corner. cor-ner. So perhaps you'll say you expected ex-pected that as well?" Mr. Digglns exploded in spasms of laughter. "Whv, of course, Maria," he said "of course I expected 1L Why. it's natural Edle's nearly l''. and of course she wants to kiss some one; and of courso some one wants to kiss her And whv shouldn't they? It ma kea her happy and it makes him hapVj too And. hang it, Maria yo Sid 'the same at your ago. Now. didn't "Jonathan." said his wife feigningly, "if vou haven't been drinking. I don t know how to account for your un-Memly un-Memly levity. H you have, you might Seethe decency to try to conceal It I'm sure when I was Edie s age l never kissed any one-except you. And then we were engaged to be mar-ri mar-ri ed " -wen. let's hope that they're engaged en-gaged to be married," answered Mr. Diggins. "Let's hope they are- U be one of them off my hands ; nu,,rP engaged to be rfedl" echoed his wire. Edio. and a grocer's boy! isn't a grocer's boy, he's a V answered Mr. Digglns. "But hy not?" Ho inched his wife in the ribs. -I must say. Jonathan." she said se-r se-r iv that I expected you to see this VC1 bV.r r lV-ht 1 expected you to f0 SSopelnt out to Edie what you thought of her conduct Jood idea, my love!" said Jona- you'Kranswered Mrs Dlg-i Dlg-i "vou are in no fit state to do so. ypu have come to yourself you Vlt if you wish. And I'll ask ta" fo "lk to Florrie and Lucy, aa 22l They are inclined to be dlsre-,rJ dlsre-,rJ bout it. They may be con-V:" con-V:" Sting Smilar actionswith the i n and the sweep. I shouldn't I , .1.1 r. 1 want you to put your foot d--Mv dear!" said Jonathan with a fresh' Bpasm of laughter. "They couldn't do better. Why. we should bo ablo to get tbe chimneys swept for nothing, and a bit ot meat now and then .a the- same price. Capital! Capital!" Cap-ital!" Before his wife could express In r Indignation the two girl3 In question came into the room. Both appeared a trifle subdued and nervous. Jonathan Jona-than hastened to set them at their ease. "My dear children." ho said, "your mother tolls me that you aro engaged to the butcher and the sweep. I don't know which of you favors the butcher, but whichever it is, I expect you to ask him to let us have our meat at cost price." "Papa!" cried both the damsels Indignantly, In-dignantly, "it isn't tho butcher and if isn't the sweep!" "Well, what'8 the odds as long as you're happy?" answered Jonathan. "Let's all be happv I'll Just go upstairs up-stairs and talk to Edie." Regardless of his wife's further attempt at-tempt to detain him, he skipped upstairs up-stairs three at a time, leavlug her the difficult task of explaining his conduct con-duct He entered his younger daughter's daugh-ter's room, to find her sitting sullen and mutinous on the bed. He smiled upon her pleasantly. "Aha! Aha!" ho said, "what's this that mother's been telling mo about you. puss? Kissing the grocer's boy in the garden! Well, well, girls will be girls' What's the odds as long as you're happy?" In a moment the girl was In hla arms laughing and crying hysterically. And Jonathan had a moment's happiness happi-ness so intense that he doubted whether wheth-er it was altogether due to the potion. At breakfast the following morning he became uproarious over the paper. In due course ho we nt down to the office, of-fice, and kept hi3 fellow-clerks so fully ful-ly entertained with humorous stories that their work was almost entirely neglected. Jonathan was discharged from his situation as the result of a piece of playfulness. A man may have red whiskers and may yet object to having them pulled. Jonathan returned to his Gome and pointed out to his wife that nothing better could have happened, as ho would now have plenty of time to attend at-tend to the garden. His wifo's dismal rejoinder that ho would soon havo no garden to look after struck him as being be-ing the funniest thing he had heard lor months. Mrs Dlggins regarded tho situation as desperate, and teok strong measures. meas-ures. On tho following afternoon the family doctor attended, accompanied by a fellow-practitioner. Both were very correct in their behavior, very courteous, very precise. Jonathan received re-ceived them in the drawing room. "There arc a lot of funuy things in this world," he remarked cheerfully; "but the funniest things I know are you doctors. JIa, ha! doing about tho world so solemnly and looking as though you knew such a lot Ha, ha! Humbugs!" The family doctor tapped hla forehead fore-head and glanced at his colleague. "I fear there is no doubt about tho diagnosis," he said. "None at all," assented the other, who appeared a trltle ruffled. "I'll Sign his certificate with pleasure. After Aft-er that, the sooner he's off to the asylum, asy-lum, the better." "For tho asylum?" said Jonathan, staring. Ho paused. "Really." he said, "it's very funny, but may I ask If you gentlemen consider me a lunatic?" luna-tic?" "Well or " said the family doctor. "Er " assented his colleague. "Because because I'm happy?" queried Jonathan. "That Is certainly the worst symptom." symp-tom." said both doctors in a breath. "I see," said Jonathan, still slowly. "I am bound to admit that since I found the professor I mean, happiness happi-ness my wife and daughters havo 6eemed to me to be distressed. I know of no reason why they should be, but the fact remains. However much it costs me, I must sacrifice myself A way out may be found. Call again tomorrow, to-morrow, gentlemen, before finally making up your opinion." Ten minutes later he was on his way to Nelson road. He found the shop and entered. To his dismay, it was empty Chairs, bottles, the- professor all were gone; and he stood aghast, confronted with tbo tragedy of a life of happiness. Only the desk remained remain-ed and he hunted through it desperately- ( At length his search was rewarded. In a drawer he discovered a bottle filled with a white fluid and labeled "Antidote: To be taken when happiness happi-ness becomes unbearable." He stood a moment, thinking of his wufe and Children, and swallowed it. "It has worked," he said a minute later, with a countenance of frozen gloom. He reached his home anS entered the drawing room to find his family assembled round the tea-table. Ho stared at them grumpily. "Maria," he said, "what with the weather and business tho way It Is, I and three growing girls to bring up. j and no sign of a husband for any of I them, and everything going to tho I Devil, I'm hanged if I can see anything to laugh at." jLwLm "0, Jonathan!" she cried, "thank I goodness, you're yourself again." And the girls clustered about him with t cries of relief. , "Papa!" they cried, "please please it say some more'" J He sat down gloomily to a cup of f tea They were too delighted to at- J" tempt to cheer him. |