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Show IGssthjetreht Smites 1 1 HIS IDEA. Mrs. Lumtum What! Invite the Gotroxes? Why they aren't in the Dlue book. i Mr. Lumtum Yes, but Gotrox is there forty ways in Bradstreet. Startled Practitioner. "Patience on a monument?" What folly's this. I wonder? Must be some other doc in town, For most of mine are under! Judge. Of Course There Are. "He's worth millions, and he got svery cent of it honestly." . "Well?" "You don't seem to be much mpressed." "No, I'm not. Millionaires are quite oraition nowadays and I believe there ire more honest ones than persons of socialistic tendencies are willing to ulniit." Real Artists. "The Duhwnites spent a large part )f last night quarreling." "That's true. They kep me wake." "But you'd never suspect it, if you lUdged by the affectionate leavti tak-ng tak-ng they staged at their front door Jiis morning for the benefit of the leighbors." Nothing Gained. "I've been working here nine years, Sir. Grabcoin. Don't you think it is ibout time for me to get a raise?" "I do, indeed, Mr. Jobson." "Thank you, sir." "I will raise your salary $2 a week and that amount will be deducted sach week for our employers' protective protec-tive fund." All Women's Fashions, Too. ' Mrs. Styles This paper says nearly ill the Paris newspapers are now ;ot out by wwien. Mr. Styles Gee! Do you suppose the people over there will stand for papers made up entirely of fashion pages? In the Suburbs. j "Airs. Crosstix. ma says can she borrow bor-row some flour till tomorrow?" "No, tell her she can't borrow anything any-thing from this house but trouble, but we've got lots to spare of that." More Resemblance to Man. "1 understand more progress has been made in the recording of monkey language." "But what have the monkeys ever said in It worth listening to?" Not That Kind. "I see In California the law will not allow the killing of bats because they destroy the bugs." "But doesn't- a law like that keep down the population?" AWFUL TOUGH CRUST. "Should you eat pie with a Ui.ife?" "No; you'd want to use an ax if you lived at my boarding house." Peculiarity of the Female. A youns man doubtless thinks it strange That his tej(t irirl's mind is set. On his remembrance of her birthday Though her ape tie should forget. Thought Measurement. "A man is as big as tie terms In which he ordinarily thinks," remarked the wise citizen. "This Is dreadful !" exclaimed Miss Cayenne. "My father Is a scientist nrxl Is accustomed to getting his ideas with a microscope.' Scarcity. "True friendship is scarce," said the man who frowns. "It only seems so." replied the man tvho smiles, "to those who do not know how V? deserve It." FASHIONABLE INCOMPETENCE. "You" daughter seems to have acquired ac-quired a fine polish at that finishing school she attended." "Yes." answered old Mr. Gadder, thoughtfully. "But I'm afraid her health is not what it used to be." "That's too bad." "Before she went away she was a strong, husky sort of girl and able to wait on herself. Now she can't even dress without the assistance of a French maid." Consistency. "Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "did you forget to bring the things I told you to bring from the store ?" "No. This is one time I carried out Instructions to the letter. Here's the whole bundle." "Oh, I'm so sorry. I've changed by mind about wanting them. I was sure you'd forget as usual. It's so hard to depend on a man !" i Offending a Celebrity. "I offered an ex-convict a job yesterday, yester-day, hauling bricks." "Well?" "You should have seen the pained look he gave me." "What was the matter with him?" "It seems that he had been editor of the prison magazine, president of the prison dramatic club and had achieved fame as an intramural poet." n el u I u. "You tried hard work that swell guy for a tip. Did he give you one?" "Yes ; he gave me two. He handed me a dime and told me to never judge a man's wealth by the clothes he wore." That "If" Again. If grown-up folks, tke children, Were forgetful and forgiving, This world would be a paradise And life would be worth livir-g. Unnecessary. "I hooked a fish yesterday," airt the amateur angler, "that weighed all of ten pounds, but it got off the hook." "Are you willing to swear to that?" asked the one-man audience. "Not me," answered the a. a. "I swore enough whe" I lost the fish." Retort Courteous Belle I'm sorry, dear, that you cannot can-not get into our archery club, but they keep it so exclusive. Nell Oh, have it to yourselves If you need it that bad. I don't have to join an archery club to draw a beau. Can Blame the Publishers. "The literary life has its compensations, compensa-tions, no doubt" "Oh, yes. A man with a literary turn always has a good excuse for tols inability to make a living." Personal Advantage. "That man. next door says my lawn mower wakes him every morning," said the citizen who always wants the best of It. "Does his complaint worry you?" "No. I'm wondering whether he doesn't owe me something for saving wear and tear on his ak'rm clock." The Had Them. Yeast Have you any women's clubs in your town? Crimsonbeak Have we? Say, don't you see that bump on the top of my head? Oid-Fashioned. Him Mrs. Dillon's reception was quite an old-fashioned affair. Her Is that so? Him Yes.- Why, the refreshments served were actually fit to eat. Past the Law. "I wish one thing could be added to police duty." "What's that?" "Arresting the flow of some people's eloquence." A Popular Youngster. "What do the Duhsons want now?" "They would like to borrow our baby for a while." "Tell them it's spoken for today by the Jimpsons, but we hfcve tomorrow afternoon still open." As Defined. I Little Lemuel Sat, paw, what is a diplomat? I l'aw A diplomat, son. Is a politl- I clan vho can make people believe j that he doesa want what he can't cut. j |