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Show I FABLES IN SLANG eiB.IISTndlaU By GEORGE ADE WNUSer He Started to Live Up to His Reputation. THE TIRED TYPICALS ONCE there was an unmistakable unmistak-able Reuben Glue who stood on a busy Corner In the Big Settlement, Just where he was a Hazard for all Pedestrians. He wore a Linen Duster and carried car-ried a Carpet Bag with Red Flowers Flow-ers on It. The bristly Gosh-ding-lts forked straight out from the Submaxillary Sub-maxillary and he sported a droopy Straw Hat with a Shoe-string around It Knowing that he was nnder Observation . by the City Folks he started in to live up to his Reputation. After rubbering at a Tall Building, with the mouth open, , he exclaimed : "Gosh all Firewood I We ain't got nothln' like that out at Rutthaga Center. Jumpln' cornstalks corn-stalks I I'm goin' to see all the Sights If I bust a GallusI Gol sizzle I JImminy Crickets! I low, calkerlate and swan that this hur Town Is a Ding-Walloper I" He paused and wiped his Freckles with a Bandana. It ws.s a tough Assignment talking Dialect As he stood there, Impeding Traffic, Traf-fic, who should approach him but the Traditional Policeman. "Phwat the Divvle do ye mane, blockin' the Strate?" demanded the Copper. A 14-TUBE FARMER "This Is most interesting," said the Agriculturist, forgetting his Role. "Often I have wondered If any Officer of the Law really did use 'Phwat'." "I am compelled to do so by the Exigencies of Realism," said the Constable, lowering his Voice. "Even though I am of Polish Descent and was born In Roxbury, Mass., I am supposed to speak Irish, even to the extent of 'Spalpeen,' if there Is such a Word." "I get you," said the Boob from the Sticks. "Any stranger walking tip to you might be the Creative Artist who puts Titles Into Moving pictures and It wouldn't do to ruin his Illusions. But I am telling you that It is no Burst of Laughter to chew a straw all Day or tote this awful-looking Vanity Case." "Then possibly I am mistaken In assuming that you have come to Town to buy a Gold Brick or trade your Farm for some phoney OH Stock," said the Officer. "You sure are," was the Reply. "I am here to look up a new Radio Set Our 14-tube Super Zingadlno will not permit us to pick up either Honolulu or Rome and we want one with some class. This must be an Off Day with you. I have been sizing siz-ing you np two Minutes and you haven't clubbed anyone yet Now, In the two-reel Comics " "I'm a merciful Guy," said the Bobby. "I spa-re even the UIp-Flaskers UIp-Flaskers who are begging for Trouble. I never, except on the Screen, soak a Comic Just to see him roll up the Eyes and do a Tur-pln Tur-pln Fadeaway. And yet the only People who get me sized up right are the members of our Order. We have an extremely gum-shoe Organization Or-ganization called The Society of Overworked Types. Perhaps you would like to attend a Meeting." LAMENT OF THE T. B. M. "Would tliey let me back out of this Character Costume and appear In my regular clothes?" asked the Hayseed. "That Is the Idea of the Club. We get together In Private and swap Troubles and sympalhlze with Each Other." So that Is how It came about that the Conventional Yap was taken by the Usual Policeman to meet the Flapper, the Sheik, the Devilish Old Lady and the Tired Business Man. Tbey dined In a quiet Alcove. The Tired Business Man said he would have to burry as a new Girls and Music Show was opening and he had been advertised as a First Nighter for so long that now the Piece wouldn't ring up unless he was in the Front Row. "If you think you are getting a raw Deal, look at me," he said to the visiting Turnip Grower. "Just because I toil like a Turk all Day, I am supposed to hurry out about 6:30 P. M. seeking any kind of relaxing re-laxing Entertainment so long as it Is Noisy, Senseless and moderately moderate-ly Indecent. What do I wish to do? Go home and play Chess. What must I do? Get right down In the Talcum Powder Zone, next to the Big Fiddle, and explode with Laughter Laugh-ter at all the Wheezes which Happy Cal Wagner pulled in Sandusky In 18S8." THE SHEIK SPEAKS "How about having one Foot In the Grave and being compelled to dance with the Other One?" asked the Devilish Old Lady. "Not a Circumstance," exclaimed the Sheik. "Because I put some Patent Leather Polish on my naturally natu-rally dark Hair and attended a few Parties they branded me a Lizard. I am Just a young Fellow trying to find a- little Sunshine In a World overhung with the dark clouds of Restrictive Legislation and, naturnl-ly, naturnl-ly, it is embarrassing to be regarded regard-ed as a Society Problem. "I doubt If I am any more depraved de-praved than my Grand-Dad who took Apple Jack and carried a Pistol Pis-tol or my respectable Father who owned Trotting Horses and knew how to deal Faro. Youth has always al-ways taken Its Fling but Youth never had any active Press Agents until It became fashionable to peek over Transoms, work the Key-Hole and try to regulate the AITulrs of Every One Else. "Remember, It Is not very long since Collegians, who are now weeping weep-ing over a lost Universe, had Keg Parties on the Campus. At present, If I stay out until after Midnight and then eat Ham and Eggs, some one writes a Novel about me." DOING THEIR STUFF If he expected any Pity from the Flapper he was fooled. She came to Bat with a Vengeance. "When all Is said and done," spoke up little Cream Face, "I am probably Queen of the Patsies and the Goat of the entire Outfit I've got to observe the Styles or else stay In my room and yet, every time I give a Parade, wearing at least six Ounces of Clothing, the Reformers Reform-ers begin to toll all the Bells and talk about calling out the State Guard. s "Do you think It was any Snap to learn to smoke these Cigarettes made of Oakum? Or to drive a Car at sixty; or keep on applying Fresh Paint? But what can I do? If I am a Short Sport I will lose my Ticket. Even the Sister who talks to the Clubs on the Decline and Fall of the Rising Generation expects me to wear Gold Slippers and pull my funny Lid over one Eye. I'm trying try-ing to look like the Pictures In the Magazines so as not to attract Attention At-tention or be regarded as a Freak." At that moment a pale I'erson will) Double-0 specs came and sut at a nearby Table. "lie on your Guard." cautioned the Business Man. "He looks like a Writer. We had better do our Regular StuIT." While the Officer was limbering up bis Brogue the Slielk grabbed the Devilish Old Lady and said, "Come on, Kid, let's melt the Wax on the Floor." The Tired Business Man began rolling his eyes at the Flapper, who called the Walter by his First Name and asked him If he couldn't slip them a little TNT. And It was all First-Class Material Mate-rial for the Author. He was observing observ-ing Life. MORAL: Be yourself even If you have to study a Book of Rules. |