OCR Text |
Show I 1 ' While Walter Winchell Is temporarily tem-porarily away from New York, his column is being conducted by guest contributors. By HARRY HERSHFIELD fladio Slory Teller and Columnist. Value of a painting often depends on whose nail it hangs from. None of these celebrities have played vaudeville, so there is little danger that their little masterpieces are plagiarisms on the "Berle Youngman Jessel" school. Here are some favorite jokes of famous people: peo-ple: AL SMITH: A citizen attended his first political politi-cal jamboree. He wasn't there long before somebody copped his watch. He reported it to the district leader, who whispered: "Next to which guy was you standin' last?" Victim pointed to a fellow in the center. "Just don't say nothin' and it'll be O.K." In a few minutes the leader lead-er handed the watch over to its ' owner. "What did he say?" asked the grateful man. "Sh-h-h quiet-he quiet-he don't know I got it!" MAYOR LA GUARDIA: (Tells this one on himself) ! Two Soviet representatives ar- rived at City Hall. Instead of the expected and accepted costumes of I Stalinites, they wore high hats, etc. They looked at LaGuardia, in baggy everydays, and all he could say was: "Gentlemen, I represent the Proletariat!" FANNIE HIRST: A dapper fellow walked into a bak- ery and ordered a special cake: "I ! want it 55 inches in diameter nine ; layers seven colored frostings. In the center, I want my initials, R. N. : I want it as soon as possible." "I'll , have It for you in a week," was i the answer. On the appointed day, he called, Inspected the cake: "It ! Isn't exactly the way I want It change theyellow frosting to orchid." On the second inspection, the fellow : was delighted: "Perfect perfect." i "Where shall I send it, sir?" "No i place I'll eat It here!" BERNARD SHAW: W.en Lionel Earrymore was icheduled to appear In "Macbeth," there was much doubt among New York ticket brokers whether to "buy In" before the opening. t McBride was the leading broker. All the ! "specs" were on hand for the premier. pre-mier. Lionel floundered through the part Then came the big moment his shout "Lay On MacDuff!" Came ' the answer, from the rear of the : house: "Lay on, McBridcl" ! I JIM FARLEY: j Joe Louis, in the Polo Grounds, j ' finished an opponent in a few sec- I onds of the first round. Af.er the ! victim got In his crcssir.g-room, he ' didn't say a word he was still out. j He dressed ar.d his manager escort- cd him to the street It was rain- j Ing. The pug put cut his hand and j moaned: "Gee, this will hurt the gate receipts!" "Oh." cracked the j manager, "I forgot to tell you the ! fight was called ofT!" j JIMMY WALKER: A hillbilly called on a girl for a j year. Finally, her father flagged him: "Time I asked you something I are your intentions to my daugh- j ter honorable or dishonorable?" "You mean I have a choicc7" queried quer-ied the hillbilly. ILKA CHASE: ' A young radical refused to work. His old man let him have it: "Fine bum why don't you go to work and ; make some money?" "Aha. I'm glad ' you brought that up. It'll come the j revolution and we'll have a Utopia j we won't need the money!" "But i ; why don't you go to work and make ! J."'0. 000 when it comes the revolution, revolu-tion, then you can help them with it." "'Aha suppose it don't come the revolution then I'm stuck with $30,000." MARC COXXOI.I.T: When Caesar tried to take Ireland, he was repulsed by Clancy and Fin-negan. Fin-negan. Caesar returned with more legions again' was pushed back. Julius was now really mad. He gathered gath-ered the full might of his armies and nnvics and started for Ireland Bgnin. This time, Clancy and Fin-negan Fin-negan were careless. Sitting on a raft, they were surrounded, captured cap-tured after a terrible struggle and brought to the Forum, ns captives. Caesar threw the pair into the arena against 500 gladiators. Clancy and Finnegan mowed them down. Caesar Cae-sar burned, lie ordered them to fight 2.000 lions. This day the crowd really turned out. As Caesar and his retinue entered the arena, Clancy pointed: "See that beautiful blonde with Caesar? Well, this morning, she looked nt nie and" just then there was n mighty roar "Sony, Finnegan, bore come tho lions I'll have to tell you the rsst lnlerl" r it i :si i i : x t n o on i : v i ' i t : Ailing gentleiunn nmMod Into s doctor's ollloo: "I'm having trouble trou-ble with my eyesight and hearing." "Aro you a drinking man?" "Yes, doctor." "Thai's It top drinking at oner, report to me In a month." A month later he reported: "Hoc, I Rllll have trouble with my eyesight and hearing." "Pld you stop drink-lug drink-lug n I told you?" "Nope what I've been drinking Is fo much better thnn what l'vo been seeing and hearing lalclv I decided to keep It upl" |