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Show AaySteraiions Christmas Dinner ty GeoreV.HoW r ffiWM gj AVI did yon over get reckless SK. mill give ii Christmas dinner to Jj) mi assorted collection of petrl-tled petrl-tled relations? Take It from mo, dodging bon?lno buggies on the boulevard Is sleepy work In comparison. Friend wife concluded It was up to us to squeeze n few uncles nnd aunts Into our -1 by -1 dining room nnd throw turkey wings nt them, so I coaxed my nervous system to behavo nnd told reaches to cut loose. She sat down nnd Invited Uncle Peter Pe-ter Grant nnd Aunt Martha, Undo Gregory Smith and Aunt llesle. Then she went In, took another look at the dining room und stopped. I Invited Hud Ilnwley, his wife Sybil, and Hep Hardy, and explained to them that wo would all have to sit edge-ou nt the table and get our meat cut In the kitchen, so as to avoid bitting each other on the funny bone, and It was so ordered. Hep arrived early. Uo always does. lie generally breezes in with the Information In-formation that fon pages of tango music lire waiting for him In some hoof palace, aud he has to hurry away, but on this occasion he concluded to feeo the light to ir finish. Then the other members of our dinner din-ner party began arriving und tho mad revel was on. Undo Peter brought n friend tho famous food expert, Doctor Smother-joy. Smother-joy. The doctor Is a high card with Uncle Peter. He Is one of thoso old ginks with beady eyes nnd u llcenso to hunt for germs, and everything he eats has first to give the countersign and then go through 11 written examination. Uncle Peter believes every word that leaves Doc Smotherjoy's face, but for my purt I think he's an old Cum-embert. Cum-embert. At nny rate, no sooner were we seated seat-ed at the table than Doc parted his whiskers carefully, coughed to attract attention, then picked up a little-neck dam on tho end of his fork nnd proceeded pro-ceeded to give It the third decree. "The adulteration of foodstuffs these days Is being carried on to tin extent worse than criminal," tho old bluff be-gnn be-gnn solemnly. "Ah, even hero I see traces of sulIy-sllUc ucld with borax-phosphos borax-phosphos even here on this clam." "Put a llttlo tabascos on It nnd cut loose," suggested Bud Ilnwley. "llnvo n lemon," said Hep. "Squeeze It over tho clams nnd make a wish." Undo Peter listened with marked attention, at-tention, whllo Undo Gregory glanced at his clam3 and shuddered. Tho doctor nto his unconcernedly. When tho soup enrao on tho Doe lifted n spoonful thoughtfully, then sloshed It slowly back Into his plate, while tho two unkles eyed him nervously. ner-vously. "It's bullyon," whispered Undo Peter, Pe-ter, anxious to provo tho soup's Innocence. In-nocence. "Here," said the doctor, examining his spoonful critically, "hero nro truces of hydrophosphutcs and about ten per cent philharmonic ucld." "I never eat soup," gurgled Undo Greg, "becouso It's a wasto of good spnec." The doctor said nothing more, but quietly surrounded his boup. Whan tho fish was served tho doctor doc-tor danced over his pinto with his fork and said, "Hydrostatic ndd with hero and there symptoms of manganese germs and n few sulphldo microbes," Undo Gregory pushed his plate back with a sigh that was pitiful to hear. Peaches was now so nervous that her hands wero doing n shaker dust, nnd there was u big plk spot on each cheek. Tho others at tlw table, with tho exception of nervous old Undo Gregory, Greg-ory, paid not the slightest attention to Doctor llusyfnce. Cven Undo Peter throw away his germ fear after tho clnm eplsodo, and took n long chanco with everything from soup to nuts. Next wo had somo turkey with iiiiihIhmI potatoes, green peas and asparagus tips. Wlirii Umle Gregory aw all this Ills face hi nkc out In n smile, nirl we coi.l i see his appetite roll up its sleeps 'lu Hits," tho doctor begun m-iln, holding up u turkey wing mi his roik "In ibis we have 11 cold-storage tur- key which has been treated with oxalic ox-alic acid and chloride of pntii'-siuiii I to keep It lu a idilverlng state." j "Put don me, doctor," exclaimed Peaches Indignantly, "hut It Isn't a cold-storage till key, because It was sent me as ti present bj some friends on Long Island onl) this morning" "Possibly," went on Caterpillar Charlie, "possibly mj hurried diagnosis was at fault, but we can never be sure about these things, because here, on the elbow of the wing, I find traces of calHtheiilc acid over the membranes. I "No, thank you," said Undo Gug-1 Gug-1 ory, "I never eat tuikey, It gics iue the heaitburn." And the poor old gu sti nek such n note of huugerth.it I wanted to throw that doctor out of the window. H this time several others at tin-table tin-table were becoming more of less lm pressed, and the dinner party was beginning be-ginning to assume tho cheerful aspect as-pect of a meeting of mart,) is mi hour before the arena opened. "Pleasu pass mi somo mashed potatoes," po-tatoes," whispered Uncle Gregory after tho pangs of hunger bad beaten him to the ropes. "Here wo llnd," croaked the doctor, doc-tor, raising n forkful of mashed potatoes, po-tatoes, "here we llnd one of the most ell effects of food adulteration. This potato was grown In the fall of tlu' year 1SSD, but It has been washed in ulum water to give It the appearance of being modern, while Its eyes hae been treated with bcllndotiun to make them bright and snappy." Uncle Gregory groaned pathetically, and the rest of us, out of politeness, tried to look Interested, but only succeeded suc-ceeded In looking seasick. When the Ice cream and cake wen1 brought on Doctor Stnotheijoy drove bis spoon down deep Into the chocolate choco-late and vanilla mixed nud said, "Hero Is a pltltul illustration of what dishonest tradesmen will do for money. Here wo llnd that some of : this Ice cream was pale originally, but It was treated with aniline dye to glvo It this chocolate effect, and then baked In the sun to deceive the eje. On tho other hand, we llnd this vanilla va-nilla was originally dark and forbidding, forbid-ding, but It has been treated Willi peroxide per-oxide of hydrogen to make It more of a blonde." "Pardon me, doctor,' snapped Peaches, her teeth chattering with nervousness, ner-vousness, "but this Ico crejini was made In our kltdicn by our own cook, "The Next Time You Give a Dinner Party Cut Out That Bun Doctor." with first-class cream, and we never hnve nny but homemade Ice cicnm, so there I" "Ah," snld tho doctor, "then In that case it must be traces of tliatiatopsis which I see, and the ovldenco Is conclusive con-clusive that u great deal of attltUial frnppo has been used, nevertheless." "No, thank you," said Uncle Gregory, Greg-ory, "I never eat lco cream hecnusi It goes to my head nud makes me cold to my friends." "Take this coffee, for Instance," chortled tho doctor, Juggling a spoonful spoon-ful with the left hand and four lumps of sugar with tho right. "Herein you will find copper baits, Iodide of chicory, u four per cent solution of gladiolus, together with about a sixteenth six-teenth of a groin of raoelm to tho cupful." cup-ful." "No, thank you," gasped Undo Gregory; "I never drink cofl'eo; it gles mo tho hiccups." After the dinner was over, Uncle Gregory tool; mo outsldo and whls pored: "John, for tho hm of a blt.isful heaven, tho next time you give n dinner party cut nut that bug doe tor, or let mo wear ear muffs 1" Pwiches hnsu't spoken a sensible word since that bitter evening. Can you blnmo her? (Copyright, 1916. by tho JleClure Newtpa-per Newtpa-per Syndicate.) |