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Show J THAT REMINDS ME- NOT HIS LEAD. From over the hills, far away, comes a story concerning "Uncle Joe'- Cannon and what happened when he went to church one day recently. The tale is not well authenticated, but it is so probable prob-able that the story will bear telling. It is solemnly alleged that on the day in question the man who used to delight in having himself called the "hayseed Congressman" Con-gressman" went to a prayer meeting. The night before, it appears, he had been out with a number of congenial spirits, who whiled away the time by playing cards at a penny a heart. They tarrled long at the game. Therefore it was quite natural that on the next evening even-ing Mr. Cannan yielded to the somnolent somno-lent influences of the meeting-house. They allege that the Hon. Joseph fell sound asleep and, further. that he emitted a stentorian snore. This shocked the good brother who was leading the meeting. He determined to awaken the sleeper. "Will Brother Cannon lead us in prayer?" he asked in a loud voice. The sleeping statesman half awoke, rubbed his eyes and sleepily moved his lips to form a sentence declared to be as follows: fol-lows: "'Taint my lead; I dealt last." THEN THE COURT LAUGHED.' "Now," said the lawyer who was con ducting the cross-examination, "will you please state how and where you first met this man?" "I think," said the lady with the sharp nose, "that it was" "Never mfnd what you think," interrupted inter-rupted the lawyer. "We want facts here. Wc don't care what you think and we haven't any time to waste in listening to what you think. Now, please tell us where and when you first met this man." The witness made no reply. "Come, come," urged the lawyer. "I demand an answer to my question." Still no response from the witness. "Your honor," said the lawyer turning to the court, "I think I am entitled to an answer to the question I have put." "The witness will please answer the question," said the court In impressive tones. "Can't," said the lady. "Why not?" "The court doesn't care to hear what I think, does it?" "No." "Then there is no use questioning me any further. I am not a lawyer. I can't talk without thinking. So they called the next witness. BOERS HAVE SPIES EVERYWHERE. Kitchener (examining captured letters) It's amazing! Here is a Boer leader who has written President Steyn, saving: sav-ing: "These English generals are fools!" Adjutant Those blarsted Boers have spies everywhere and know everything." From Flob, of Vienna. THE WAY THE MONEY GOES. Wife I had to spend fifty of that five hundred for some necessary things. Husband Well, what are you going to do with the four hundred and fifty? Wife Oh, that goes for luxuries. Judge. BATRACHIAN. "You say," said the city editor, pointing point-ing out the word in the manuscript, "she sung with a 'warty' voice. What do you mean by that?" "That ought to be plain enough for anybody," replied the sporting editor, who had been detailed in the absence of the musical editor, to write up a concert. con-cert. "She had a frog in her throat." SURELY NOT. Mrs. Upchurch Maud, I wish vou wouldn't have so much to do with that young Higginslde. I am told he is a confirmed agnostic. Miss Maud Why, mamma; the agnostics agnos-tics don't confirm people, do they? SUCH APITY. "If there was only somebody to buy them." sighed Mrs. Noah as they came out of the ark, "what a rummage sale ot animals we could have!" A STATESMAN'S REASON. "If you didn't say any of the things that are printed in that alleged interview," inter-view," asked his intimate friend, "why don't you deny them and set yourself j right with the public?" - "Because," answered Senator Lots-mun, Lots-mun, "it was so much more scholarly : and correct than anything I could possibly pos-sibly have said that I hate to disturb the I illusion." I -a UNCLE ALLEN. "There are two things. I suppose," re-I re-I fleeted I ncle Allen Sparks, "that con-! con-! gress will now try to wipe out anarchy and the surplus." DEPARTMENT STORE REPARTEE. '"What are these things?" asked the customer. I "Blackboard erasers." said the shopgirl. shop-girl. "I don't want anything that will erase a blackboard. I want a chalk mark eraser. "That's what I meant. These are chalk mark erasers. Anything else?" "Yes. I want some lead nenclls " "We haven't any lead pencils. We have some wooden cylinders with graphite on the inside of them. Will they do as well? |