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Show $3$ ffimtmrijfos JMksss by Jerry Shane NOTE: ferry Shane's introduction to show business was a comedian's nightmare. "My first club date was at the Alamo in Detroit I'll aw ays remember the Alamo. I opened on a night which was Passover and Good Friday to an audience of seven atheists. In the audience were two guys, regular patrons, whose see if they idea of fun was to roast the comedian I As as him. walked rattle soon on 'ould stage these deck a of cards and out started two guys pulled playso they banged the table ing. The game was slap-jacand I wasn't quite sure how to handle them. Well, I threw some lines and jokes about rudeness at them, and they stopped playing cards, took out a newspaper , opened it up and ignored me completely." Shane's been on the lop television shows, Carson, Griffin, Douglas, Dean Martin; in fact, he's made almost 300 TV appearances. And, from the early days at the Alamo, he's gone on to perform al lop clubs and resorts from Puerto Rico to Las Vegas. "The kind of material I like to do," he stresses, "is humor. I try not to tell a joke lor a joke's sake." Here is a sampling of Shane: from me immediately ing cards. EDITOR'S iness, Last Five Days." he gave my kids a dog. My uncle created a problem I don't know if you have a dog but I guarantee one thing, you go to a veterinarian today, and you're ashamed to go back to your own doctor. My doctor treats me like a dog compared to what that dog gets. I walk into the vet's office, he says, "Well, what's your ' I said, "Patches." He says, "Patches name? dog's what?" I said, "Look, I don't know who his parents were. You want him to have a last name let him have my last name, call him Patches Shane. Don't ask me anything about his religion either, I don't know anything about it. He lives with us, he observes our holjdays, and that's that." w We all make the same kind of mistakes. I made a mistake about 18 months ago, took out a subscription to a magazine. I figured at the end of the year I was through. But they didn't figure I was through. So, for six months now they've been writing letters, and in each one they give me a chance to renew. I was in the service for three years my mother didn't write to me as often as this magazine does. And everytime they write they make up excuses for me as to why I haven't answered them. They say things like, "Perhaps youve moved. Perhaps you've overlooked our last letter. Perhaps you've been on vacation." I finally wrote back, "Perhaps I can't read." Then came an offer of 87 issues for $1.29. It said: "This letter is addressed especially to you" and it was addressed to "Occupant." sent them one of their greet- People can create so many problems for you. I have an uncle. This uncle has a little gift shop in New York City. Maybe youve seen his sign? "Going Out of Bus- k, point-of-vie- I The doctor said to have a seat in the waiting room. It's jammed. One womans got a gorgeous French poodle, with a Sassoon cut, wearing leopard leotards and a velvet jacket. It's an insane thing seeing a dog go into a doctor's office and having the doctor say, "Would you mind getting undressed, please?" Once I got a dozen boxes of greeting cards in the mail, and a letter with express instructions: "Sell these cards to your friends and make some extra money. So, I take the dozen boxes of greeting cards, and put them in my wife's closet (when you're married you find out that the apartment doesn't come with a husband's closet. I keep my clothes in a shopping bag). A week later I get another letter. It says, "You did such a great job on your first dozen we're sending you another dozen. I have 24 boxes of greeting cards in my wife's closet. Then I get a third letter, it's a threatening letter. It says, "If we don't hear from you immediately we're going to take action." So they heard 1 know a woman who was crazy about her dog, and the dog died. Just to break the news to her gently friends told her it was her husband. I My wife doesn't have to cook anymore. She uses an outgoing service for everything. She calls and has the food delivered any kind of food, Italian, Chinese, fried chicken. I came home the other night, I'm on the elevator, I see a guy with a brown paper bag. He says, "Mr. Shane?" I say "Yes." He says, "Here's your dinner." So I get in the house, my wife asks, "You hungry?" I said, "No, I ate in the elevator." It's To Laugh The most infuriating man I've ever met." 'It seems like only yesterday he never stopped asking questions, and now he knows all the answers." "It's just a one-sh- contribution, sir . . . no follow-u- p phone calls, no getting your name on a mailing list . . ." ot 19 |