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Show a PAILYHERALD Sunday, August 24, 2008 TODAY IN HISTORY Vi iU iL 1JL 1 Today is Sunday, Aug. 24, the 237th day of 2008. There are 129 days left in the year. I Today's Highlight in History: Aug. 24, 1814, during the War WARNING: SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE ' ( Department reported the U.S. crime rate in 2002 was the lowest since studies began in 1973. Israeli missiles killed four Hamas . of 1 812, British forces invaded Washington, setting fire to the. Capitri (which was stffl under construction and the White House, as well as other public A buildings. ' fighters, induding a fugitive .' commander. Hurricane Ignacio sideswiped the southern tip of . the Baja California peninsula. Former U-- House Minority Leader John J. Rhodes Jr. died in Mesa, Ariz, at age 86. Japan's Musashi-Foch- u routed East 10-- 1 to win . Boynton Beach, Fla, the Little league Work! Series. . . . . . On this date: AD. 79, This classic Dave Barry col-, umn was originally published Oct. 19, 2003. . f 1 I . . ; . l u V ' HV. t V . "i' rv '' .' r Y NSr . . . . . : . fat' blueberry muffin the size of Arnold Schwarzeneggers head, it would say, why dont you Step on me? What's the worst that can happen?" lhave not stepped on a scale In years, We dont have a scale in our hoipe, because scientific studies have shown that scales attract gravity, a leading cause of falling down. So for a week 1 ignored the scale. But finally one after- - massacre of french Protestants hands of Catholics began in Paris. Yoik branch of the Ohio life Insurance and Trust Co. failed, sparking the Panic of 1857. 1857, the New 1932, Amelia Eathart embarked ' on a flight from Los to Newark, NJ., making Angeles her the first woman to fly soioi ' from coast to coast look, But merely watching info- mercials will not get you into shape. For that, you need to take real action, which is why I also purchased an issue of Mens Fitness magazine. ItS full of pictures of men whose abs" bulge out like subcutaneous chipmunk platoons. It also has articles on weight loss, quoting leading medical experts who aQ agree that the ONLY proven way to lose weight, and keep it off, is to eat sensibly and exer- - . non-sto- p, . Great in Portland, Ore., took the death penalty off the table for Tremayne Durham v: in July, accepting a minimum-30-ye- ar prison term for an aggravated murder" over a business deaL Durham agreed to plead guilty when prosecutors relented to his additional . meals demand of two pig-ou- t (featuring KFQ Hopeye's and Haagen Dazs right away, and pizza and lasagna on the day the judge accepts the plea). Prosecutors said they hated appearing to cater to the whims of a murderer, but eyeing the expense of a long trial and lengthy appeals, as well as the '. turmoil for the victims family, they agreed. In August, the judge accepted the deaL ' , . . ton summarily tossed out the initial pleading of Washington state attorney Dean Browning .Webb, whose client is suing. .. GMAC Mortgage, because Webb had submitted 465 pages, with meticulous detail, including 37 pages quoting emails, and 341 pages assert- ing claims that freely repeated each other on points they had . 1968, France became the world's fifth thermonuclear power as it exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific ; ; : 1970, a bomb planted by anti- war extremists exploded at the University of Wisconsin's Sterling . . ' r : . . in common. I Believers: (1) Rocky . Can't possibly be thie researcher Robert Fassnacht into Florida,causing $30 billkxv. in damage; 43 U.S. deaths were ' blamed on the storm, f 2006, the International Astronomical Union declared Pluto was no longer a planet, demoting it to the status of a dwarf pianist" : ' that absence from writing his weekly humor column. Write to him do The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami, v Fla. 33132.: I Though it has been on July, ratings have not been spectacular for the G4 channels show, Hurl!" leaving many Americans unaware of precisely how far standards of bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 to be tried in a Scottish court-sittinin the Netherlands. (A former Libyan mteltigence agent was later convicter) of murder; the other suspect was acquitted J A federal court rejected the Census Bureau's plans to use V statistical sampling for the 2000 census, a dedsionlater upheld by the Supreme Court Actor E.G. ' Marshall died in Mount Kisco, . ; N.Yh at age 84. - taste have i fallen. Hurl!" con- -' testants are forced to gorge themselves, then are purpose- ly, rapidly, twirled and shaken on camivakype rides, with the last player to retain his stomach contents declared the winner. Wrote a Washington Post reviewer, it's for people whq found Fear Factor much too nuanced." ; .; I Inst Competent A Dallas entrepreneur .recently created a programmable device for those busy, busy parents who actually need to .. be reminded that they brought ; their tots with them in the car ' , (lest their child became one deaths of the several hot-ca- r a year in America). Provided that they're not too busy to set the system up, an alarm alerts them if they exit the car without the baby. Said one Texas woman interviewed by NBC , News, As a mom, you can get really distracted." ' t : Muki-tasker- - . Inexplicable I A rule for federal lawsuits ' ' (Rule 8a) requires the initial ' pleading that commences the . case to be short and plain, and another (9b) requires it to i be to the point, with several '. pages usually plenty to give the other party notice of what hes being sued for. In June, federal judge Ronald Leigh : Negative-Cashflo- ' w . Robbery: The man (dressed as a woman) got away after ... the attempt at Joes Qife in . .' Metairie, La., in July, but he lost ; money in the deaL As a ruse to get a clerk to open the cash . register, he handed over a $5 bill to pay for two doughnuts, and, with the register then open for change, pulled a gun and de manded the contents. The clerk immediately became hysterk cal, screaming, and the robber, frightened, fled the restaurant without las $5 or his doughnuts. Five . : ; . . ; ;. : . . . audience-participatio- n, . Unclear on the concept Min- - neapolis Rriice Chief Tim Dolan honored SWAT officers for their bravery and professionalism during a December raid of a house that supposedly contained a gang's guns. However, it was the wrong house, and the bewildered, frightened resident started shooting back. Said Dolan, The easy decision would have been to retreat - ; (but the) team did not take the easy way out The house got riddled with bullets, but no one was hit, and the chief later apologized but still fek that it was a perfect example of a situation that could have gone horribly wrong, but did not because of the (teams) profes- . : middle-of-the-nig- a27-year- v . . . sionalism. . d I Unrealistic Expectations: (D Victor Rodriguez, 21, about to be arrested on a domestic assault charge in Bridgeport, Conn., in June, turned to his pet python and, as police approached, shouted to the snake, Get them.1 (It remained motionless.) (2) In July, Josef Fritzl, the man who imprisoned his daughter and her children for 24 years in a 'dungeon in their hone in Austria, told his own jail's officials that he needs daily exercise outside because e : WelrdNswsTipsyahoo.com or P.O. Box 1873 7, Tampa,. Am-stette- n, Least competent FL 33679. . : yean ago: , . Thought for Today: "Show me a man who cannot bother to do little things and FI show yoga man who cannot be trusted to : - do Lawrence D. big things." Bell American aircraft manufac-- ; . turer The justice (1894-- 1 956). .. The Associated Press. HOROSCOPE - EUGENIA LAST, SUNDAY. AUGUST Z4. 2008 . BORN ON THIS DAY: ... jf someone doesn't Uke H he or she can leave. 2 stars Rupert Grint 20; Jennifer Lien, 34; CELEBRITIES . D-C- I In a July ceremony, . ' While most major opera houses provide interpreters at the side of the stage, producer Marita Barber recently staged the opera The Hunt of King Charles in a version in which all performers sign as they sing, with Only a twopiece orchestra in the background, for patrons with hearing. At Barber's venue, the TheatreTotti on a Finnish island, actual baritones and sopranos were sought for their respective roles, even though Update they would all sign their lyr- ics, because, said Barber, W Stripper Susan Sykes, 47, known as Busty Heart, was e need facial expressions and gestures to get the feeling and rejected in July as a contestant for the NBC show Americas . the atmosphere across to the Got Talent, as the judges were audience, for example, when lyrics call for elongating unappreciative of her ability to crush empty beer cans with a word to fit the music. : her enormous breasts. As News of the Weird reported, Oh, yeah, tough guys! Sykes was sued in 1997 by an Illinois strip-clu- b (1) Lamont Cooke was arpatron who claimed a serious neck injury rested by a SWAT tram in after Sykes, in a little Conn., in July after playfully trapped spending the jast year on the his head between her breaks run from Philadediia and while she danced. Eventually, Maryland authorities, who the lawsuit was dropped. wanted him for charges of kidnapping and murder, Ac-- Armed and clumsy cording to the arresting U-marshal, Cooke surrendered (all-new-!) quietly, except that he wet his . pants. (2) A police task force in Orem arrested a Revenge of the Critters: A woman accidengang member in June, catching him riding a tricycle that he shot herself in the knee tally ' had just stolen from a little girl while pursuing a mouse inside her travel trailer (Potter ValAnd , ley, Calif., July), People with issues oid man accidentally shot him-- ; ,. x.".. self in the head while chasing ' Montreal, Quebec, psychiatrists Joel and Ian Gold believe a skunk (Elwood, Uah, May). woman acciAnd a they have identified five ts between them who are dentally shot herself in the foot while stalking a woodchuck in deluded to the point where her garden (Ferryville, Wig., they are certain they are starnuui June). And a ring in reality TV shows or movies about their lives. In the . accidentally shot himself in the hand while aiming at bees Capgras delusion, a patient believes that his (Williamsburg, Pa., April). And immediate family has been re- - a retired police officer accidenactors, but tally shot himself in the chest placed by look-alikthe Golds five patients believe while aiming at a snapping .. turtle behind his house (Bensa-lethat their every movement is Pa., August). being broadcast around the world (and have named the disorder the "Truman Show deb-- Vlait Chuck Shepherd dally sion after the 1998 movie star- at ring Jim Carrey), according to blogspot-comorwwa July National Post story. NewsoftheWeird.com. Send your Weird News to sign-langua- Twymanof Washington, , started Pray at the Pump, a brief, scattered national cam-paign in June to urge prayer to bring down gas prices. A colleague in St. Louis claimed his prayer sessions caused the price drop in July, pointing to his use of the civil rights anthem We Shall Overcome (and his new verse, Well have lower gas prices"). (2) , In July, Salinas, Calif., Mayor Dennis Donohue, frustrated , at this years dramatic surge in gang violence, kicked off a campaign to urge a citywide fast, which he said was a proven technique in achieving social justice. : ; Latest Teh yean ago: Die United States and Britain agreed to allow two. Libyan suspects wanted in the . . . ' 1992, Hurricane Andrew smashed is a columnist forthe Miami Herald. He is continuing a leave of ; . . ; ' national cable TV since mid- - ; : Hall in Madison, killing I Dave Barry - Bright Ideas Education Secretary Shirley Hufstedier is 83. Actor Kenny Baker (Star Wars) is 74. Composer-musicia-n Mason Williams is 70. Rhythnfrand-blue-s singer Marshall Thompson (The s) is 66. Rock musician ' Ken Hensley (Uriah Heep) is 63. Actor Joe Regalbuto is 59. . - Former Arkansas Gov. Mike : .. Huckabee is 53. Actor Kevin Dunn (TV: 'Samantha Who?) . is 53. Actor-writStephen Fry is 51. Actor Steve Guttenbergis er Cal 50. Baseball Ripken Jr. is 48. Talk show host Craig Kilbom is 46. Rock singer John Bush is 45. Actress Martee . Matlin is 43. Country singer Kristyn Osborn (SheDakyj is 38. Dave Cnappefle ; is 35. Actor Carmine Giovinazzo. .. is 35. Actor Chad Michael Murray is 27. Christian rock . musician Jeffrey Gilbert (Kutiess) is 25. Singer Mika is 25. Actor. .. Rupert Glint ("Harry Potter 'V films) is 20. , : : . criminals Today's Birthdays: Former lawing the Communist Party in the United States. ' he hates being cooped up in. hiscelL ' ' . by Chuck Shepherd Moments in Capital . 1954, President Eisenhower signed the Communist Control Act, out- rise regularly. Ha ha! Those wacky medi- cal experts! Always with their jokes! But the magazine itself was delicious. " -t- . . 19-ho- . t- - 1949, the North Aliantk Treaty came into force. in Inverness, Fla, sentenced John Evander Couey to death for Jessica kidnapping Lunsford, raping her and buying her alive. James Ford Seale, a reputed Ku Klux Klansman, was Sentenced to three life terms for his role in the 1 964 abduction and murder of two black teenagers in southwest Mississippi. The NFL indefinite suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick without pay after he acknowledged in court papers that he hart indeed, bankrolled gambling on dogfighting and helped kill some dogs not worthy of the pit Major wildfires broke . out in Greece, burning half a mil-liacres and claiming 65 lives in 11 days. at the . . - . . One year ago: A judge . 1572, the St Bartholomew's Day fat-fre- e) . telepathy- Before you eat a third low-- . . - .. . . Qayp - B3ITV there. No sane human would put a scale in the kitchen. Maybe it crawled there from the bathroom, seeking the company of other appliances, But whatever the reason, there it was, and instead of sprinting out of the house right then, I foolishly stayed. Every time 1 went into the kftchen, 1 could feel the scale watching me. Soon it was sending me messages via scale . ... having a group of overweight people eat calendars clearly indicating that the current year is 2003. Their bodies turned ... these into fat. So I have accepted that, if I want to lose weight, IH have to bite the bullet (the bullet is and take action, IVe already begun a rigorous regimen of watching TV info- mercials in which models with perfect bodies work out using comically cheeseball exercise contraptions that Fold for Easy Storage and clearly have noth- ing to do with how the models pre-me- al recently had a terrifying experience. It was exactly like a scene from a horror movie, when the actors find themselves in a house that is obviously possessed by Evil, wit h doors slamming by them-selves and blood dripping from the ceiling, but the actors are . such morons that they stay in the house anyway. With these older homes, they ten each other, youre .. going to have a certain amount of ceiling blood. "And then of course something horrible hap-. pens to them, such as being sucked down to Hell by the De- mon Toilet, and as the last of their body parts disappears in a counterclockwise direction, you, the movie viewer, chew your popcorn and think, They deserved it . That's what I used to think, too, until 1 had this terrify- ing experience. We were on vacation, staying in a strange house. Night was falling. I went down to the kitchen. It looked like a normal kitchen, with normal, harmless appli- ances, until suddenly FWEEP FWEEPFWEEPFWEEP - FWEEP the violins (this house had a string section) were play- ; ing music from the shower scene in ftycho," and we saw the most horrifying sight you can see in a kitchen: A digit al scale. I don't know how it got I noon, while enjoying a light meal, I decided, what the heck, IU just step on this ; thing and FWEEPFWEEPFWEEP ' FWEEPFWEEP When I saw the number on the scale, I was forced to face a shocking, but unmistakable,, fact: The scale was defective. Through some kind of digital error, it was giving me the weight of a completely differ-ent person, apparently Sha- quille O'Neal. Or his car. But eventually I came to accept the truth: I am over-weight. This is not my fault My body, without consulting . me, has been converting the food I eat into fat, as opposed to something I can actually use. such as toothpaste. The problem with human bodies is that they're based on a design that is eons old. Our bodies bebevethat any day now, well have another Ice Age, and there wont be any more food, so they need to storeuplotsof fat. So while our brains are in the 21st cen- tury, wanting desperately to lose weight, forcing us to eat salads and engage in bizarre cult activities suchas'Pilates," our bodies are back in 12,000 B.C., thinking: I made 6 more ounces of fat today! Bring on the glaciers! It would be great if we could explain to our bodies that times .have changed, and they no km- ger need to make so much fat. Recently, medical researchers : tried to accomplish this by Mount nt Vesuvius erupted burying the Roman cities of Pompeii and . Herculaneum in volcanic ash; an estimated 20,000 peopie died. LIBRA ,. . Happy Birthday: You will suffer a kw if you let you emotions interfere with what needs to be done. , Opportunities are availabfe this year but if you by to take on too much, you wil fall short Choose wisely. Sudden changes in your relationships can be expected. . '. It's time to put yourself first You ' numbenare3, 12, 16, 26.30,47 ARIES (March21-Apr- it r . . ke 22): Knowledge wid be what you crave. An introduction to a new lifestyle or philosophy wid change the way you see ana do things. If you are tired of the rat race now is the time to take a leap of fahh. 5 stars 23-Oc- L v. SCORPIO (Oct 21): Put your time, effort and money into your residence. Build strong, solid assets and you wid gaingr&ter .. security for the future. 19): Think about the people who count on before you take bn more .. you than you can handfe. Stow down . i and enjoy the ones who (Sept . . . your thoughts! game plans and sbategy and you can change . what isnt working for you any longer. 3 stars, you. Minor health issues could be' SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-D21): if you don't take good ' , an issue There are too many variables to ' .' advice. 4 stars make a good decision. Observe ; y and be patient for now. Once TAURUS (April 20): You can have a great time without ' . everyone else has uncovered his . or her thoughts, you can assess overspending, overdoing or over- -. what wivwrk for you and what . indulging. A short bip or getting won't Don't act in haste, 3 stars involved in something you enjoy can be informative, beneficial and CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Ja- n. 19): Don't let someone Travel wid be a waste of time and emotional tow be a finandat you money, A gift or winning is appar. personal drain. 3 stars ent Clear your home of the things GEMINI (May 20 Youd you no longer need or use. The be ad wigged out about what gffi of giving to those in need wid . everyone else is doing and saying . help eliminate dutter from your . life. 3 stars but before you voice your opinion, consider your own moves. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Fe-b. 18): Your You can't have it both ways. : ' unique insight and ways of doing .. Make up your mind about somethings have greater vafoe than one or something or let it go once . you imagine and, once dscovered and for affi. 2 stars by those who think they know iy CANCER (June 22): Don't you wed, will be diadenged.lt let Somme's pettiness stand in wl be of greater use outside the home.5stars the way of your fun. Invite friends ; and family over and proceed with PISCES (Feb. 20): Dont your plans. Don't give up the be fooled by someone's sweet things you love arid the people talk. Too many compliments cherish because someone is . you should raise suspicion about that . . giving you a hard time. 3 stais person. Fernet out what's truth . g. LEO (July and what's not Question the 22): Volunteer .motives of others before agree- your services but dorft donate cash or give away something ing. 2 stars with. aren't to ready part you Birthday Baby: You are confident . . You won't impress anyone with outspoken and quick to change your actions d you are insincere . your mind. You are emotions so stick to what you can do and ' but reluctant to show you true ivoid miking empty promises. feelings. You are demanrfing and a 4 stars productive. pt VIRGO (Aug. 22): You will make an emotionai mistake if you let your heart rule your head. Aroid anyone who is being unpredktable or demanding. Cad the shots and stay in control and. ' Eugenias Web sites: astroadvice.com for fun, eugenialast.com for confidential consultations Utah. Countrys PREMIER local sports coverage l- -J 2Hitt06?lrraU . |