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Show THE ZEPHYROCTOBER 1995 businesses already here from being swallowed up by the Big Cuys? How can locally owned businesses, restaurants in particular, continue to compete? We need a new ad campaign? How about... "You played, you stayed And we were all thrilled. Now none of us can afford Our sewer bill. If too many more players come here to stay. The rest of us must move away. We thought this place was Heaven-sen- t, But now we can't afford the rent. It's enough to make a grown mat cry When the only solution is to say 'Goodbye.'" am not news, Tynes. I had no idea. But why is my bovolexia more Just a little." see...but what about this? I eat cows. I still enjoy a good burger from time to could I eat my ancestors?" "You already know the answer to that. We are a cruel and despicable species, we humans are. This is the sad state to which we have evolved. And I use the term loosely. I'm surprised at you for being so naive." "Yeah, I guess you're right....Oh Man! I was just thinking. "I time. How "What?" "Croene suffers from bovolexia." "Groene? Scott Croene? The bleeding heart environmentalist every fiber of his being?" that hates cows with "Go figure." Obviously way back there millions of years ago when he was part cow, he must have had a relative that hated his parents or something. It's the only explanation." "Freud would have a field day. Bovolexia as a form of repressed resentment for your Holstein ancestral mother." "Well. "There's no need to be ugly and I can't believe you have this Japanese yuppie scum car with power windows in the first place...Slow down! "Tynes, what are you doing? "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Mmmmmmmm.aaaaaaaawwwww! The mind boggles." The truth is stranger than fiction." "Say, I'm hungry. Where's a good place to eat out in this godforsaken desert? "Fry Canyon is just ahead. 1 hear they make a damn good quarter-pounder- ." Thcre...I "What?" "You're a bovolexia sufferer. I can't believe it. The two of us...both stricken by the Bovolexia Curse." "Bobo Lecksia? Wasn't he a pitcher for the Cleveland Indians in the 30s?" "No. That was Bobo Newsom, the great 398 game winning pitcher who played for a number of teams in a long career that spanned some 23 years. 1 said 'bovolexia." "Bovolexia. What are you talking about?" Tynes. You and I are both cursed with the dreaded disease bovolexia. It's the irresistablc urge to moo whenever you sec cows in a field." "Oh my lord, Stiles, say it isn't true. Is it contagious? Can it be spread through sexual contact or from toilet scats? Because if it can, my life isn't worth a plug nickel." "Make sport if you will. Big Cuy, but it's nothing to laugh about." "OK. OK. I didn't mean to make sport, Li'l Buddy. Tell me how you came to realize you have bovolexia." "I don't know if 1 can bear to recall it. But you are my oldest friend so 1 guess you deserve to know.Jt happened about 15 years ago. I was driving the coast highway in northern California. I think I was somewhere near Point Arena. It was late January and it had rained a lot recently, so everything was particularly green and lush. "I guess when you live in the red wasteland, damn near everything looks grecn...say, isn't that Wedding Cake Butte over there? The one they call Cheoscbox Butte now?" "Yeah...I never could figure out why they changed the name when they paved the road. When Utah 95 was a dirt road, they celled it the Wedding Cake. Then they paved the damn road and put up a new sign and called it Cheescbox Butte." "Some weird road department scam, no doubt. Probably a kickback deal with the commissioner of roads and the cheese industry. So how did you get bovolexia, Stiles?' "Oh yeah. Anyway, everything was so green. 1 saw this beautiful pasture right on the edge of the Pacific. The color contrast was remarkable. And dotting the field were all these Holstein cows...you know Holsteins are the largest volume producing dairy cows in the world." "No, Stiles, I didn't know that." "Anyway, it was such a beautiful sight. And suddenly, without warning, 1 rolled down the window of my old squareback and started to moo. I couldn't stop mooing. 1 pulled to the side of the road and continued to moo. I'd never felt happier in my "Good enough to "You're really beginning to scare me." "Yeah? Well...l had picked up this hitchhiker from IVtaluma. 1 guess I scared her too. She thanked me for the ride and climbed out of the car like her life depended on it. It was just as welL.hcr pachuli oil was about to suffocate me." "How long did you sit there and moor "Oh... not that long. Maybe ten minutes. Fifteen at the outside." "That's a long time to just moo. Generally, my mooing..jny bovolexic cpisodes...only bst as long as it takes to drive past the cows. I can't recall ever pulling to the side of the highway and just mooing. Have you seen a doctor?" "I hear there's no cure. Besides, I'm not going to spend forty bucks for an examination. I mean.. .what would he look for? What would he examine? He'd have to ask Don Holyoak to run a few steers through the medical center just to observe any symptoms. I don't think they allow cows inside medical facilities anyway...some kind of health code or something." "Stiles...! think this is genetic." "What? What are you talking about?" "I think this is some hereditary trait previously unrecognized in the human moo for. I'll bet." Sportsmen's Club decision overturned. This is old news to most locals, but for out of town subscribers who follow Grand County controversies with a passion, the County Council, facing certain legal action its position on the Sportsmen's Club Land giveaway. by taxpayers, recently On September 18, the Council voted to sell the land and establish a "Special County Recreation Fund" which could be used "solely for the purpose of supporting recreational programs and capitol projects. Such projects include ballfields, tennis courts, shooting ranges, and other recreational improvements for the benefit of the re-thou- County." Some Sportsmen's Club members reportedly see the reference to shooting ranges as an opportunity to receive funds direct from the county at a later date. But that is not what the intent of the resolution is, according to Councilman Peter Haney, who sees no circumstances under which revenues from the sale of the property would be dispersed in that manner. After years of seeing past governing bodies assume bunker mentalities over unpopular decisions (toxic waste incinerator. Book Cliffs Highway), it is refreshing to sec this county council display the courage and the responsibility to and reconsider an issue with an open mind. i I ; j Kokopelli Productions Presents ... LOOSE TIES Contemporary Bluegrass Favorites of the Telluride Bluegrass Festival , l ; life." species." I pronounced than yours?" "I'm probably just more evolved than you. Don't get mad. ..not much more evolved. "Oh lord...not NOW!" "What is it Tynes?" "Stiles! I've got to roll down the window! Where's the damn button? " "It's right there, hidden behind your massive right knee." "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwww! feel much better now. Drive on." "My god, Tynes. Not you too?" "Huh?" "You're afflicted." descended from cows." "Sure you are. We all are. Somewhere back there in the gene pool, before different species began to split off and go their own way, we may very well have been related to cows. It explains everything. It's some vestigial part of your being that you can't separate yourself from." "You mean like my tonsils? My boxolexia is like my appendix?" "Precisely. You are instinctively calling out to your brothers and sisters from days gone by. You are speaking to the Past." Tynes. "That's startling Bovolexia Blues My friend Tynes showed up in Moab recently, my oldest friend who's still talking inches and almost 300 pounds, he and I have been called a to me. At six foot-fiv- e latter-da- y Mutt & Jeff more times than 1 care to remember. But in more than a quarter century, 1 never realized he suffered from the dreaded rare disease that I too was afflicted with at an early age. As we rolled along Utah 95 at a high rate of speed, the truth spilled out... Tynes?" PAGE 3 i ! 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