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Show "Geronimo!" : Colonic Floss? I don't THINK so! BASS Jumping ‘COLONIC FLOSS ~JUG-OWAR! "Gently boys!" pleads Carlos. For years now, we have all had to endure the antics of America’s Most Beloved Morons; yes, I’m talking about BASE jumpers. BASE stands for Building-Antennae-Span-Earth. Pretty _ damn cute, eh? These are people with way too much time on their hands. They. like to illegally leap from tall buildings and bridges and radio towers and get their names in the paper and on the ten o’clock news, and then, when they get injured, they’re more than willing to let underpaid and overworked rescue workers put their own lives on the line to save the BASE jumpers’ sorry asses. 1 always love the recent story of a BASE jumper who leaped off an I-70 bridge on the San Raphael Swell, convinced that the canyon below was at least 700 feet deep. It was only 250. Ooops. Not only are these people idiots, they're sissies. A BASE jumper once told me that there was a lot more to BASE - jumping than cheap thrills. "Have you ever known what it’s like to soar like a hawk?" he said. "No," I replied, “and neither - oF Try it without a parachute and then check back with "Todd" leaps from a 250 foot canyon rim, confident that his BASS will ; 2 a. 8 ne ae a =o engine: as fee s the rub. These guys don’t "soar." They sink like ‘stones until they pull that precious ripcord. They’re wusses. - Pansies. Gutless losers! Why be a little mama’s boy BASE jumper, when you can be a BASS Jumper? -_ BASS Jumping stands for Bonehead who likes to carry on like an ASS. Although the name itself has nothing to do with fish, the proper use of one type of our underwater cousins is critical to proper BASS jumping. The bass is an edible spiny-finned fish of the Centrarchidae and Serranidae families and the large-mouth bass is a favorite of most sportsmen. another quality Dang in the tasty too. large-mouth Now bass we’ve that discovered had been heretofore ignored and unappreciated. That quality is its ability . to create aerodynamic drag. This fish’s mouth is so large that : when it plummets mouth-down through the thicker levels of the lower atmosphere, the mouth literally inflates like a parachute. A BASS jumper, with a bass in each hand, can safely leap from any high promontory if he manipulates the bass’s mouth properly. : 8 the Big TUG-o-WAR, its ADIOS & GOODBYE! to those gritty orange laxatives! : Sadly, in our demonstration, young "Todd" didn’t know his bass from a guppy. He jumped off his father’s ice cream-truck with two large but very thin-lipped goldfish and sank like a ae Marc II ae Ruby's very heavy rock to the desert floor. So remember, if you try this sport, be sure to know your "bass. : : Feeling run down? Sluggish? Out of sorts? You’ve ‘tried prunes and laxatives and not a darn thing works? Well, isn’t it time you tried the Colonic Floss Tug-O-War? Go down to the store and get some colonic floss. like our friend Carlos did. Then find two strapping young men like our "Brad" and "Todd," who are just looking for a good game of Tug-O-War. But this ain’t no ordinary game of Tug-O-War. In fact, this is simply a derivative of a procedure once practiced by the great Mohandas Gandhi. Mo liked to slowly swallow string, one inch at a time, until, twenty-six feet later, the string (or floss if you will) exited from a lower oe orifice. The reasons why and did this are lost in myth and legend. : In the 21st century we've taken this age old practice and given it an Xtreme Spin. "Brad" and "Todd" are ready and eager to see which of them is the strongest and, at the same time, make sure that Carlos has a smooth- -flowing digestive system. After twenty minutes, it’s a draw! Neither "Brad" nor "Todd" has been able to win the Tug-O-War. But hey...the real winner is Carlos. After this simple procedure, he’s throwing away his 48 oz. jar of gooey thick vegetable laxative. From now on, when he wants fast action, he'll call "Brad" and "Todd," They know how to put a winning = on Carlos’ face! |