| Show Tho Herald Journal Logan Utah Sunday March 10 2002 — A13 Super size your french fries with this column By Dave Barry Tribune Medta Satvlceg jwedoia so we have the Surgeon General coming out with yet another official report — entitled “Ameri- -' cans: What a Bunch of Whales" — which contains these shocking stads-I Ti Surgeon Geoenl Ins released yet another report waning Americans that we're ret that's what tout modem Surgeon General does: Issue warnings lie danger luridng everywhere Years ago die Surgeon General was more k his staff often found him passed out under his desk at 2:30 in the afternoon reeking of cigars and bourbon He 'would go for yean at a stretch without issuing a warning Back then Americans felt free to smoke eat fatty foods drink liquor and drive cars without seat belts often all at the same time Granted most of them died by age 32 But they were carefree Ibday of course we have vigilant health authorities notifying us hourly laid-bac- tics: 61 percent of all adult Americans are overweight One of these Americans always sits next to me on the airplane This person uses 140 percent of the armrest Americans don't really understand percentages either What is causing these problems? For one thing die Surgeon General notes many schools no longer require students to take Physical Education This is a crime When I was a student PJL class was MANDATORY with each class lasting 45 minutes broken down as follows: Changing into gym uniforms: 14 Roll call which always indicat-- : y ed perfect attendance because shouted "Here!' in response to every name called despite the fact that roughly 30 percent of the class ywne-bod- Falling scaffolding kills 3 in Chicago 25-fo- ot - Let me respond on behalf of all Americans by suggesting in the politest way possible that the Surgeon General phould go sit on the Food Guide Pyramid Because out here in the real world we do pat cany cups around with us nor do we ' encounter “whole grains” whatever THEY are Here in the real world we face dietary decisions such as: Do we want the Hungry Human Burger n' Bacon n' Cheese n’ Egg n’ Sausage n’ Slab o' Lard Combo Deluxe with a large order of fries? Or with a REALLY large order of fries? Yes real Americans need a dietary aid than the Ftod Guide Pyramid Here's my idea: Wb should use farmers Lord knows we pay them enough In die past five years die Department of Agriculture paid 92 BILLION TAXPAYER-SUPPLIEDOLLARS in subsidies to farmers including such hardscrabble sons of the soil as (I am not making this up) Scottie Pippen who nukes $18 million a year playing basketball and who got $131575 in farm subsidies and Tfed ’Rimer who is worth more than $6 billion and more-effecti- ve D ’ who got $176077 in subsidies So here's my proposal: Any farmer who (a) receives taxpayer money and (b) is worth more than $1 million should be required to spend 10 hours per week actively preventing taxpayers from eating so much Picture the scene! You’re in the convenience store You grab a package of Hostess brand Ding Dongs You're heading for die checkout counter and BAM you're grabbed from behind by Tea Turner! So you turn around and whomp him on the head with a jar of Kraft brand jalapeno-flavore- d Cheez Whiz As he ' goes down like a sack of whole o grain you grab a bottle of o brand the and cashier pay lumber out of the store That's how I’d handle this wtinnai weight problem I have plenty of other ideas for improving our health so if the Surgeon General is reading this: Sir please feel free to get in touch You can reach me under my desk ce Yoo-ho- Yoo-ho- Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald Write to him co The Miami Herald One Herald Plaza Miami FL 33132 jfourvtow Continued from A4 of 30 was baptized by John ontoi istreets typically bustling with)thousands of residents and tourists The broken scaffolding was tied to die building Saturday as wind whipped broken windows The building was evacuated below die 42nd floor and streets were closed because of worries more debris could fall A window in the Wesdn Hotel lobby north of the Hancock building also was shattered The scaffolding had been erected so crews who weren't believed to be working Saturday could repair and clean the fro of the building Fire Commissioner James Joyce said Those killed were in three cars crashed by the debris Stokes said ?- One wdnuin wasincritical condition at Northwestern Memorial Hospital adi trator Shelley Williams Four others were treated and released woman was A in critical condition with a broken leg and other injuries and another person was in fair condition at Cook County Hospital CHICAGO (AP)— Scaffolding from the landmark John Hancock Center fell more than 40 stories onto a busy downtown street and crudied cars Saturday killing three people and injuring at least seven High winds may have caused a section of scaffolding to fall from the 43rd floor fire officials said ' Gusts of 58 mph were recorded at a downtown airport around the time of the midaftemoon collapse die National Weather Service said Krista Galaida who was working in a flower shop on die first floor of die Hancock building said she heard what sounded like an explosion uWe just bolted it was so loud and the ground shoots -said Galaida “We thought id' trade had come into the build- ingot something Everybody thought it was a bomb” The scaffolding erected On the west or Michigan Avenue side of die building swung away and fell onto cars stopped at a traffic light south of tlae building Dozens of windows shattered in the Han- cnck building raining gla gym smoking cigarettes: 12 “Jumping Jacks”: 2 Tddng showers other with towels civilian clothes causing unfortunate ftfiif Hamagpt ffl student by shoVing turn out into die hallway stark naked except for an athletic supporter on his head: 15 minutes Yes it was a demanding physical regimen and we followed it TWICE A WEEK Little wonder that we brought the Soviet Union to its knees So I totally agree with die Surgeon General about bringing back mandatory PJL And not just for students Cabinet members should also be included Where I do NOT agree with the Surgeon General ir on his dietary recommendations He's upset that Americans do not follow die Department of Agriculture's Food Guide Pyramid which tells you in detail how many cups of whole grains raw leafy vegetables yogurt etc you're supposed to consume per day based on your age weight number of teeth etc the Baptist in the River Jordan He set up his church and organization “And he gave some apostles some prophets and evangelists and some pas-to-n and teachers for die perfecting of die saints for die work of the ministry for the edifying of the Body of Christ Til we all come in die unity of the faith and of the knowledge rtf die son of God unto a prefect man unto die measure of die stature of the fullness of Christ that he henceforth be no more chil- dren tossed to and fro and car--' tied about with every wind of doctrine by the sliit of men and cunning craftness whereby they lie in wait to deceive” Eph 4:11-1- 4 Jesus went about preaching his gospel healing the sick casting out devils restoring sight to die Mind raising die dead fed the multitudes calmed the storms and foe seas and all manner of miracles Was betrayed by one of his own Judas Iscariat nailed to a cross at Golgatha “Then said Jesus father forgive them for they know not what they do” Luke 23:24 “Jesus cried with a loud voice “My God My God why hast thou forsaken me?” Mark 15:24 Buried in a tomb rose the men the same privilege let them worship how where or diirdday appeared to his eleven apostles and instructed what they may "Articles of them “Go ye therefore and Faith 11 “We believe in being teach all nations baptizing honest true chaste benevothem in the name of the father lent virtuous and in doing and of foe son and of die Holy good to all men Indeed we Ghost Teaching them to may say “We follow the observe all things whatsoever admonition of Paul We I have commanded you and believe all thugs we hope all lo I am with you always” things We have endured Matt 28:19 many things and hope to be This same church that able to enfoire all things If Christ set up while ministerthere is anything lovely or of ing on earth was restored to good report or praiseworthy the Earth with the same orgawe seek after these things” nization power and authority Articles of Faith 13 claim Wb die This is my Jesus Christ of (I) privilege all God mighty worshiping LG Hansen according die dictates of our own conscience and allow all Logan Tax Refiimd "Bmpioyao druoppo iatho loastof if' my vaorrioa‘ li - Buy FREE idmussliap No payment until June FREE Layaway AV Omttu Hmfom kmUKem LJMnra Mjxu-UI- WMSm'IM Gtmfcfa ULUJ— I FREE Sheets IRIlIi MRIRR Pooturooi ' uk r Gfaw to grit uoaf itaesi easier £o ncrerifaR it Aopplai J 1 J A — ' t v P Beautiful 3 bedroom30Ztl laundry facilities on the main floor Starting at t ' For more a And pricing please contact AKceH Redd 4359940985 u v-- vv v FREE Set up I rfi C V with flcxible bedrbom andW ' of old bedding Every Mattress On Sale! tm Choose ji6 elani with many r between 24 Sedrensu and 24 feathst All fingle homejlans have a ilairlesi entry and Main floor living Starting from 9106)000 1- FREE Frame l'" US’ imonJ : FREE Delivery FREE Removal 'M'Hlrfwfol boi or therny $) ft ' kUMaed jordt Sleep $109000' Sofa & r Loveseat Sets igpUBtt-- s nothing Until June Every Sofa On Sale! r'V- - ji JUEY 47lCUulSBtMithaii(d(ia it®- - u iV wwwiffeaoteS0iapfyieefrekrf§ - ' VAujey Mai1(riU787-13- I Houn: Moiat ”‘f nrr-y- a t y i u a a ' r v 4 1 o' vm j ' i? Vj' ’j- - “ ivyiiwrray -t nii Sun 10--9 12-- 5 ' mv TIT f r?rrtrlfcit-fnMvv-tiTk-!R"rtt' |
