Show ON when a dog Is drowning everyone offers him drink says herbert in jacula Pruden tum presumably this Is with a I 1 inday desire to make the poor devil forget his sorrows too much of any one thing even love will drive a man to his doom hence when the poor dog Is seen reeking in liquor a casual acquaintance buys him an other drink knowing full well the drink is vi v hat he wants most on earth the pity is that the dog we continue the use of the figure goes beyond his depth when once he is so far gone there seems to be a conformity of opinion that the best thing to do is to get him out of his misery the dog who is not yet in deep water but head ed that way should take warning in time you no doubt have heard of the mean man who was bitten by a mad dog the dog died poets have written of dogs camp bell in his pleasures of hope tells how his faithful dog salutes the smiling guest then there Is that other kind of saluting dog the one that begins to yip when you first step onto the walk grows furious as you approach the door and bursts into a cyclonic ki as you ring the bell the maid comes shrieking to the door and a vehement yelp from the III mannered mongrel apprises you that the mis tress or the master has thrown a choice piece of bric a brae and hit him southeast of the tall tail this Is the kind of dog that barks all day and forgets to wake up when burglars come at night pope in his essay on man tells of the man who desires only to be to exist without angel angels s w m ing or seraph seraphs s fire satisfied to enter the golden gate accompanied but by his faithful dog the majority of us are not so easily satisfied we love our dogs but when we go to that better place we hope to get into what Is commonly known as good society the dog is all right as a dog and a friend but he lacks culture and can cant t play a harp it Is not good for man to be alone we are told on earth this Is why no doubt a confirmed old bachelor loves a dog and an old maid must have her cat in heaven however things are supposed to be just right and a man ought to have at least one woman and one dog there one of the funniest references to the dog for comparative purposes Is that of samuel johnson who says sir a woman preaching Is like a dog s walking on his hind legs it is not done well but you are surprised to find it done at all the most noted dog is trowbridge s roger there Is scarce a schoolboy in the land but knows a part at least of the poem the vagabonds roger and I 1 are old time friends we are two travelers hoger roger and I 1 roger s my dog come here you scamp jump for the gentleman mind your eye over the table look out for the limp the rogue is growing a little old five rive years we ve tramped through wind and weather and slept out doors clen nights were ere cold and ate and drank and starved together when nature or a higher power fashioned dog it was intended that the dog should wag the tail so with men and their reason one never sees a tall tail wagging a dog but one does often see a man s reason being wagged by his physic ial passions 3 the undue haste which character ies the alarm clock s startling peal these cold mornings when beauty sleep Is so enjoyable Is a matter which cannot have escaped your at perhaps your alarm clock Is a rooster whose crow Is as shrill sh rill as a factory whistle and whose clarion cry can be heard in the next precinct but no matter the result is the same by the chanticleer crow or 0 the clod maker s clang the alarm clock and the rooster are noxious yet necessary evils only the opulent can disregard them in a city the populace Is divided into alree iree parts namely the works clerks and shirks the works are awakened by clock or rooster before it Is day light they get up by gas light and are away to toll before it is day break the clerks follow soon after but the shirks many of whom have no alarm clocks straggle down town any old time from 9 to 11 0 clock a in an alarm clock generally awakens all ail the stubborn hatred and opposition lii ld a man mans s nature he despises the clamor of it and vows he will get rich enough to do without it despite his antipathy to the clock cloch he fears it he ile never awakens without it but he trembles lest it begin its undesirable c atter sometimes a man will feo io to sleep atter after it has reverberated through the quiet house and dream it was only a dream that the clock alarmed then it Is the clock gives LU him in the merry ha ha when he does arise and he hates it more than ever an alarm clod Is much ill e a dras tic definition of a woman a thing ro yo i cannot get aloi g with or with out when we were a mere stripling ana and went to school in the grammar room we loved a girl so intensely it made our head ache while we should have been studying our geography lesson and learning what bounded cuba on the nigh side we were overworked trying to solve that problem older than the pyramids of egypt or the leaning tower of pisa the quandary of love our world was bounded on the east by the shy glances of a pair of distracting blown bion eyes on the west by a mop of wavy curly hair on the south by the incense ol 01 her presence and on the north by the hope that someday there would be something doing and a chanca chance to win that hemisphere tor for our very own the love of conquest was as in our soul we neglected on our algebra and zur our language lessons to take long journeys in our mind at the end of which she waited with smiling face and rosebud lips for her we braved perils and clayed the wild beast in his lair for her we were the soul of honor and the quintessence of no ability for her we lived died and were several times a week for her we missed our lessons in n classes where she was not and stood at the head in classes where her beloved presence spurred us upward toward perfection for her we went to church in therond the fond hope of seeing her home afterward for her we u were ere the last boy in town to learn to smoke and r her we denied it strenuously long after father had strapped us in the woodshed shed and ad us lo 10 smoke good ones it if we must smoke smokey ho hot hum let us think what did become of that girie oh yes she married another and the last time we saw her she had a squalling baby and waddled when she walked actually waddled we remember that and for this we lost 4 5 golden hours hours spent in idle dreaming when we might have been goal ing the kids with spitballs spit balls alas even a boys life Is not all sunshine 5 3 they do strange things in texas sometimes the entire force of a all lage paper of that state drank water off a dead cat for a week at last the editor tasted and tasted refusing to be satisfied that the tle liquid was as pure as that associated in his mind mind with the old oal en cn bucket one by one the chic girl compositors sniffed suspiciously and the foreman began to leave a quid of tobacco pouched IP in his cheek when he took a drink it was only when the devil himself refused to wash in the water on the grounds that it smelled like dad dads s old boots that the force was con vinced investigation followed and while the girl types typos were out in the alley running their fingers down their necks to nausea the editor the foreman and the bum print mighty pale about the gills nt ere actively en in for nine drinks apiece to drow ft cat a drink for every life of the feline the next day a single line editorial appeared in the village paper advising subscribers to boil boll the drinking water A podunk contemporary admitted noticing several catty remarks in the blatter of late and hoped the editor would not only boil boll the water here after but be careful to strain out the yowls as well other newspapers professed to dis dig believe the story so far as the editor was concerned it having been long time history that he imbibed naught but nectar of the abdar variety using aqua pura for bathing purposes only and that very aarel As the devil carried away the dripping pussy cat using the fore mans pinchers clasped firmly on the tall tail as a means to the end he was heard to remark casually that well no matter what the devil said sald he ile is always equal to the emer emend gency 14 jj moral drink from the 0 old caal teena S 5 it if this is the land of the free and the home of the brave we want to know why an iowa young man has gone hack back on his best girl because she has red hair the golden haired lady also seeks light and goes to the courts to get it it if a man can desert a worn wom an simply because she has red hair the happiness of every auburn haired female in this land Is in jeopardy As a matter of fact the feminine being with red hair ls just a bit more w worthy orthy than a woman whose hirsute integument Is of another color the qualities of grace beauty kindness sympathy are as adorable in her and as marked as in her sisters more than this she excella all others la 12 this one characteristic her presence al ways ays announces the coming of the proverbial white horse around the corner thus many a weak man has been warned in time to dodge the equine and save his precious neck the man s neck A friend of ours recently visited tha the city and was nas run down by a white norse horse had there been a red haired woman on the boulevard he ile would have been spared a black eye a scalp wound 27 worth of glad clothes and a 9 large and ensi sensitive tive discomfiture we once went with a red haired charmer of 18 summers and was never once run into or run over by a white boss hoss although we didn dian t marry the girl we have always felt kindly toward her for her good qualities not the least of which was wag keep ing us from being ground under the wheels of the busy marts of trade in fact we have always been a bit skittish about white horses since w parted the woman with the sunset hair is ju justified stifled in appealing to the courts to protect her rights and any man who will desert such an one after seeing the sunlight glint and scintillate OB ca her tr besl is no gentleman |